The birthday, the turning point

72 pieces of BRILLIANCE put forth by a DARING and DELIGHTFUL reader


Image is a self-portrait re-treated by Dustin Lacina, as a gift.

I just felt like writing a post saying, it’s my fucking birthday. Consider this my LiveJournal entry on TinyNibbles. And thank you for reading me, following me, commenting here, hanging out, and checking back now and then. It’s been a crazy dark year for me, more than anyone knows, and I’m feeling the lightness finally start to come back. And the gloves coming back off (because there’s no time like the present; I’m not waiting around for an afterlife, thanks). And the personal edge this blog has been missing, starting to return. I’ve spent a year just having all this insane shit hurled my way; I’ve been called every name you can think of by people who I thought truly cared about me as a human being, and worse by people I’ve never met — I have a hate blog dedicated to me that’s updated almost daily by some dude with too much time on his hands and a bad copy of Photoshop. I also have all his personal data, so it amuses me. A year ago today, my best friend and ex-husband suffered a near-fatal head injury; the start of a bad year. He’s doing better, and so am I. People lied to keep me from seeing him; so sickening. Some really bad people filtered through my life and I realized I wasn’t choosing friends as carefully as I should. SRL died. I hit financial bottom as a freelancer while becoming more well-known than I’ve ever imagined — I can’t leave the house without being recognized, I get asked for autographs regularly, I get free phones and experimental tech services, and have two high-profile agents, all while I am scrambling for gigs and am coming up short for rent this month — it’s a strange currency, this life.

But what I do makes people happy. Every day someone writes me saying thank you for what you do; at least every week I get an urgent crisis email from someone who desperately needs physical or emotional sexual help. And I’m there for them; I get them to counselors, clinics, I give it freely, I hold a stranger’s hand and we walk it together. I teach and lecture to crisis counselors and front-line clinic workers, all in the background. I show myself naked. I wonder if anyone can see my scars from the times it just hurt too much on the inside. I show myself as human. So many tests. Hacker Boy went in the ER for a couple of after-midnight 5-6 hour screaming-in-agony episodes that made me as close to insane as I’ve ever felt, not to mention his recent surgery. Him and I, we don’t know where we’re going either, but we’re fearless about love, even when it’s scary, and it’s not always been white-hot upload speeds and roses and sips of Absinthe. I’ve had insane lies written and said about me in the internet — the oh my god kind, the ‘but I was there’ kind, the kind that you look at and go, why do people have such hate in them? Why should I do good here in this world when some people just want to watch the world burn and they get joy from hurting others? Journalists wrote about my sex life; I turned into tabloid fodder, and I realized that the blogosphere does indeed have a glass ceiling for women. When weird shit happened in the blogosphere people accused me of all the usual shit; being an attention whore, being this, being that… whatever.

Like I give a shit. Show me something new. I love who I am, I love what I do, I’m happy to make the right people pissed off at me, and the rest of us can laugh and look at fun sexy stuff and take the world back from those who scheme to make us feel bad or unhappy, or try to erase us for who we are. It’s our world, we love sex, getting off is normal, and it’s the now. We’re getting gay married, you motherfuckers. Just try and stop us. Me — I like what I see when I look in the mirror, I like what I see when I look at my blog. I like the reflection of you in me. I think one of the big things I learned is that no matter how intense the attack, how vicious and persistent, how much someone can try to distort reality to do harm, how hurt I feel, or how close I feel to the edge of going back on the streets in all of this — I’m never going to let other people’s issues fuck with my self-esteem.


Bete said it best, “I love that you are self entertaining even in stressful situations.” The now: Tricky, album: Vulnerable.

So we’ll see what happens next. In the meantime, Babeland has everything with my name on it at 15% off all week (damn, Babeland, I love you too!), and the first three commenters to this post who want them can have a free Babeland Pocket Rocket shipped to them, for my birthday. Also, check out my Sabrina Fox interview on Fleshbot today (plus explicit gallery) — I love what she says about the perceptions about her job. Enjoy it.

Margaret just emailed, “happy birthday!! you beautiful girl!! love you!!” Now, I’m off to spend the afternoon with my lover and his beautiful daughter.

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72 Comments - COMMENTARY is DESIRED

  1. violet · Edit

    with love like this washing over me from people I’ve never met, strangers, and friends, we’re shrinking and killing the trolls… all of them. we win.

    thank you, everyone. it’s hard to read your comments and hold back the tears of happiness. so I’m not. here comes the flood.

  8. StereoM · Edit

    Happy belated birthday to you! Just discovered your blog and I have to laud you for being such a courageous woman. Good luck and I hope you’ll get over your financial worries and thrive again as a freelancer. Love from Estonia.

  11. Dustin Lacina · Edit

    Hey V,

    Happy birthday!!!

    You’re so wonderful! Don’t let the haters and bullshit ever get you down. Or, I’ll bring out some chainsaws and welding torches and we’ll fuck ’em all up ;)

    Thank you for always being there for the emergency emails. You truly are a darling. And you deserve the entire world served up, bound and gagged on a platter for you.

    Hope all your birthday wishes now and forever come true.

    besos y abrazos

  14. Angela · Edit

    Violet,

    Happy birthday! I read about the bullshit of the past year here and across the internets, and you’re awesome for having lived through it without being cowed. It must be really hard sometimes, but lots more people love you than hate you :)
    I read your blog religiously, and you always have interesting things to say. You’re thought-provoking and interesting and provide sexy pictures of half-naked wimmin, always a plus. You’re going places, but the morons who torment you will forever be morons.

    Good luck in the new year!

  15. SMOG · Edit

    Happy Birthday!

    I know that you are being flooded with love today from all your multitude of admirers, and I wanted to add my voice to the choir.

    I (as so many others) wish I could be as strong, lovely, fearless, and all around great as you. You are doing good in the world, and I thank you.

  17. Outis · Edit

    Violet:

    Happy Birthday!

    Yes, you have been through a lot in this past year. Any one with half a whit can see that you have grown and become stronger. After all, isn’t that what life is all about?

    Keep on going, young lady!!!

    Outis

  19. Jenna · Edit

    Happiest of birthdays to you Miss Blue! Don’t let the losers get you down! You’re too awesome for words and your own words have helped me deal with some dark stuff in a big way. There should be more people like you in this world.

    Every joy to you!

  29. SM · Edit

    A ton of people have said it here already but I’ll add my voice… Thank you for all you do. You do so much for so many. To all the rest, F-’em. You are amazing. I don’t know you at all but I’ve been with you through the last year, at least the parts that you’ve let us know about. There are horrible people out there, just rest easy tonight knowing that we aren’t in their group.

    Keep on writing – we need you.

  30. Kaija · Edit

    Happy birthday! I think your site and your work is fabulous and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much bullshit…really, people need to get a life of their own and stop being hateful, but then I firmly believe that the karma bus does drive around in circles and people end up reaping what they sow, eventually. Too bad it takes so damn long sometimes…

    Anyways, keep up the good work and as a female mentor once told me, “If you’re not making waves, you’re not making progress. If there are people out there hating you as well as loving you, you’re doing something right.” It’s hard to concentrate on all the positive stuff, because we all take the negative stuff so to heart, but I’m willing to bet that on balance, you’re way WAY ahead! :)

  31. Snooks · Edit

    Happy birthday!

    Thanks for all you do. You ARE making a difference, and that’s what counts. I’ve learned a lot from your work, and will continue to do so.

    You’ve made sex more FUN (and I’ve never even met you), you’ve made sex SAFER, you’ve made sex OURS (us people out here in the trenches). By that I mean, being informed enables us to own, to explore, to blissfully experience our sexuality, particularly in a culture so scared of it. Take a bow, lady.

    I’ll take that last rocket if it’s still out there.

  32. Luka · Edit

    Almost a year ago to the day I quit my job, rented out my flat and went on a sailboat from Denmark intending to cross the Atlantic. While I only got as far as the Canary Islands in Africa, I remember many nights miles out in the open sea, with only a sky full of stars, luminescent algae, the occasional dolphin and your podcasts on my iPod for company. It is a memory I will always cherish, and for what it’s worth I think you’re the greatest. Have a happy birthday and a wonderful year to come.

  35. ErOs 284 · Edit

    Happy birthday!!
    I’m so lucky and glad I found your blog. I love what you do!! Thank you. I’ve gotten some great stuff from you and I have learned to not be ashamed of sex and everything that comes with it.
    xoxoxo
    P.S. You’re fabulous.

  45. twizted · Edit

    Happy Birthday! I am so glad you were born {{Violet}}.

    May you have many more years of good health, and may this new year be a better one than the passing year for you. I’m not going to ask for a pocket rocket, just for your happiness & health.

    Love & kisses!

  48. Ewan · Edit

    Holy crap Vi, that’s a pretty fucking open blog, and thank you for it. I’ve never been one of your emergency emails, but I always know that despite being a complete stranger to you that you would open your heart and offer me all the help you could give. Anyway, This is just a thanks for being here. Hope you can continue doing what you love as long as you love doing it.

    Happy bday

    Love Ewan. xx

    Give the vibe to someone that can use it. (4 years and not one sign of the drought ending it would be wasted on me :P)

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