Intimate moments in hugely public spaces are divine. Image via obama blackfolk.

In my San Francisco Chronicle column this week, I basically write an open letter to Barack and Michelle Obama (and the nation) about the urgency of saving our kids from thr perils of current sex ed programs, and tell them exactly how to do it. As a side note, there are just too damn many insanely sexy pictures of Barack and Michelle to choose just one for this post — also see this kiss, this one and this one. Gawd, they look too healthy and lovingly-coupled to be in American politics. Then, dig into Obama’s national sex ed program: Violet Blue lays the groundwork for the candidate to save our kids from the evils of sex ed, once and for all, snips:

Let’s just get this part of the discussion out of the way: I’m not even going to pretend that John McCain has a broken condom of a chance at a term in the Oval Office. Barack Obama is going to be our next president, and our next first lady is going to be the coolest grand dame in United States history. The first couple, incidentally, is going to burn up the presidential bed.

OK, the Obamas are a hot and cool couple, and they seem to be more in touch with the real world outside of D.C. than any presidential couple to hit the White House sheets. But Barack’s going to have to don a hazmat suit and a full-body condom to even begin to clean up the mess he’s inheriting. Iraq, for starters. But let’s not forget about the children, shall we? You know, the ones getting pregnant and contracting STDs at jaw-dropping rates and at younger ages than previous generations in spite of … perhaps, even because of federally funded (read: “state strong-armed”) abstinence education. In which “education” should always be in quotes.

(…) The Obamas represent change that most of us are hungry for, and in some cases, desperate for. So, here’s how Barack can put an end to the war on public school sex education and the sharing of accurate sex information to people of all ages:

1. Kill the abstinence programs. Period. Think of them as creationism in schools: optional to include in curricula but privately funded only. Fire the FUCK* out of anyone with a religious agenda in a position of power in relation to public health. We are a nation of many faiths — most of which are not being served with this nonsense.

2. My best friend’s daughter is 5, and brags that she has a boyfriend. Craft programs that are age appropriate so kids understand what they’re doing every step of the way. Take a cue from England, where the Sex and Relationship Education program centers on “All About Us: Living and Growing” videos for 5-7-year-olds, 7-9-year-olds and 9-11-year-olds, with workbooks about healthy sexual relationships for kids (and adults) with learning disabilities.

3. Require all sex ed programs to include practical information about reproduction (including a woman’s right to choose and male responsibilities of parenthood), contraception, STDs and STIs, sexual pleasure, masturbation, consent, homosexuality, sexual tolerance, and gender identity. Kids are dealing with all this stuff; adults need to stop lying to themselves and have honest discourse with kids about it.

4. Set aside federal funding for a teen sex ed counselor to be on school staff at all times, exclusively for hotline-style accurate sex information, and completely confidential. Our kids’ health and futures depend on it. Require that they are tech- and Internet-savvy. (…) (…read more!)

* I re-added my own expletive for this post. Can you even begin to imagine the shit I’m going to get for putting this in one of the top, notoriously conservative mainstream media news outlets in the country? That’s cool. Everyone knows I’m a vaguely evil sex educator now; my TRUE vile mission is stated above. The haters can bring it, but they’re gonna have to fluff it like they’re siphoning gas from grandpa’s tractor with a pencil-peen straw, because everything bad that could be said about me is about three weeks old and oughta be sent to the Old Troll’s Home. :D

Quick update: (Is there anything like a five-second rule with hitting ‘publish’?) Anyway, a friend just sent me this relevant and exciting link to the *do not miss* Responsible Education About Life (REAL) Act.

Update 07.24, 4:30pm: It’s really fantastic to see this column end up on sites like this. What’s more, both I and the Chronicle have been asked, and have given reprint permission for the column to be run in the award-winning United Nations Foundation online publication covering global sexual and reproductive health and rights news and information — RH Reality Check. YAY!

Image by phheww.

There are SO many hot boys in this world. It’s a great place to live in, no? Of course, I think my Hacker Boy is the hottest, though don’t let that make you think I’m not on the prowl to do The Right Thing and point you at all the young narcissian gods I found this week… Phew. No, I mean phheww, because this week he’s the one with the fuck-me self portraits and the sets to truly brag about. If you don’t do the Flickr thing, check out these nummy galleries: mmm, soapy boy. Nice striptease. Guys with huge dangers — yikes! This cute wanker is so adorable it hurts.

Image by NW Sunshine.

“The 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals today upheld a lower court ruling striking down the controversial Child Online Protection Act (COPA) that required Web operators to restrict access to large amounts of constitutionally protected speech. COPA placed severe restrictions on a wide range of legal, socially valuable speech, including content relating to sexual identity, health and art. CDT, which has filed friend-of-the-court briefs opposing COPA and supporting parental empowerment technology, applauds the ruling.”

It officially happened yesterday but is hitting the newswires today — here’s:

* ABC News: Child Online Protection Act Overturned
* CDT Statement on Ruling
* 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Decision in COPA [PDF]
* CDT Policy Post on COPA

Thanks Mojo and Lawgeek!

Image via Map Girls.

When I had a porn article in Oprah I was like, whoa, mainstream — but now it’s looking like even the more straitlaced media outlets are ponying up to *finally* viewing sex culture as a constantly relevant set of issues worth covering, in all its myriad forms. And this is a good, *good* thing. Well, we hope it will be anyway — normalizing cultural conversations around sex is one of the main reasons I’m here, and I’m hopeful. Though as we’ve seen with the Phils and the Drews, some sex pundits’ steps go backward instead of forward. That said, let’s check out what’s up at The Nation, where they have a new sex columnist; she’s not new, she’s actually written for The Nation for a while (mostly about sex scandals) so she doesn’t have other sex background, but here’s a few revealing snips from MarketWatch about what the future of this column holds:

I don’t know about you media mavens, but I’ve always suspected that the liberal-leaning Nation, while producing a consistently thought-provoking product, took itself a wee bit (too) seriously publish a sex column. I’ll just come right out and say it: It blows my mind that one of America’s most asexual magazines launched a sex column (and issued a press release about it, to boot).

JoAnn Wypijewski, who is writing the new ‘Carnal Knowledge’ column, sees the exploration of sex as a natural corollary to examining politics. (…) “I don’t think people on the left side of the political spectrum take sex seriously — or seriously enough.”

(…) Good for business
What’s going on here has much more to do with commercial interests than titillation. The Nation, which has a magazine circulation of about 175,000, hopes the topic will boost readership and advertising in all of its platforms. It’s a smart business move.

(…) Wypijewski resents any prurient smirking about her sex columns. She points out that sex is a wide-ranging cultural and political force. As she sees it, the subject pervades and influences every aspect of American life, ranging from politics to religion.

In the first sentence of her first column, Wypijewski makes it clear that she intends to attract attention: “In politics as in pop, legions of little girls jumping out of their panties can’t be wrong.” She follows that with: “That’s the vital lesson so far of Election ‘08.”

Later on in the column, Wypijewski notes: “The right will no doubt try again to paint Michelle [Obama] as a bomb-thrower and might mine the vein of white fear of unbridled black sexuality that Barack prospected disturbingly close to when he scolded black fathers.”

When I talked to her on the phone last week, Wypijewski explained her philosophy for the column: “I’m not going to write a ‘how-to’ column about sex. This is more about culture and the way in which sex is used. More and more, we see it in terms of scandals, which is a whole other realm. I don’t really have an ‘agenda.’ I think that too often we put issues in boxes — here’s the ’sex box,’ the ‘really serious political box.’” (…read more, thanks Eve!)

Let’s just hope that Wypijewski doesn’t end up on a list like this one I just found at The Sex Carnival: 5 Sex Experts Who Made the World a Worse Place (To Do It) | Cracked.com.

Image by Aaron Hawks, via erofantasian.

Friend and colleague Rachel Kramer Bussel has a new book out — I just got my hands on a copy of Spanked: Red Cheeked Erotica (it’s great), and she’s is full promo mode, with a fun spanking blog, virtual book tour and she even made a relatively safe-for-work video to go with it. There’s no nudity in the video, but Vimeo and Flickr pulled it — while other sites who know how to sensibly apply content ratings (or rather, have users self-moderate because we’re all adults here), are keeping the video up. That Blip allows the video to remain is no surprise as they carefully moderate the self-moderation of NC-17 content (and no, they do not allow pornography), and do a terrific job of it; that YouTube is an example of sensibility in this arena is, well, surprising to see given their reputation for pulling *anything*. Cool. Silicon Alley Insider tells us,

Nearly all online video sites (except those purpose-built for porn) have policies in place against uploading “adult” content. So what exactly qualifies as “adult”?

Based on Rachel Kramer Bussel’s experiences, that depends on what site you’re visiting.

Last week, the Penthouse Variations editor uploaded a promotional video for “Spanked”, an upcoming book of erotica she’s edited, to four different sites: Flickr (YHOO), Vimeo, Blip.TV, and YouTube (GOOG). The video is mildly racy, but there’s little in the way of naughty language. And unlike some of the advertiser-supported clips on Hulu, there’s nary a naked body in it.

It may be NSFW, but that depends on where you work. In Rachel’s mind this is clear cut: “I wanted the video to appeal to as many people as possible, I wasn’t making pornography.”

Two of the sites disagreed. Within two hours, she got a note from Flickr… (…read more!)

There needs to be guidelines around the difference between NC-17 content, and straight-up porn — but as usual, it’s that “porn or not?” conundrum facing community sites and user-generated content. Here’s the video:

::blush::

* Update: the “maliciousness” link is now dead. It looks like not long after I linked to TNH’s Twitter post from July 2, she removed it. Good thing I screencapped it, and saved it here.

Image of bettie.bondage by Michael Tutun.

I’ve had the extreme, distinct pleasure of working with erotic writing luminary M. Christian for many years, and I can even call him a longtime friend as well as colleague. He’s penned more truly excellent, joyfully filthy verbiage than anyone can imagine, and he wrote that San Francisco erotic gay vampire mystery novel I loved, The Very Bloody Marys. Peeking at his blog, I’m overjoyed to see that he’s now returned from the mountaintop to share with us and deliver fifteen ten, ten commandments for smut writing. Snip:

I. Thou Shalt Not Take the Lord’s Name in Vain

“Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod” need I say more? The same goes for any other kind of onomatopoeia: “ooh”, “urg”, “gack”, “mmmm”, etc. Use your words, people; use your words!

II. Thou Shalt Not Own a Thesaurus

An exaggeration, of course (to get that vicious Roget off my case). The need to change a descriptive word after every sentence or paragraph is the clear sign of an amateur. Example: ‘cock’ in the first paragraph of the sex scene, becomes ‘rod’ in the second, ‘staff’ in the third, ‘pole’ in the forth … and you get my gist. The same goes for the silly need to be ‘polite’ in describing either a sex scene or various body parts. Unless you’re writing a Victorian homage (or pastiche), women don’t have a ‘sex’ between their legs, and a ‘member’ doesn’t live in a man’s trousers. If you can’t write ‘penis’, ‘clit’, ‘cock’, ‘cunt’, or the rest of the words you can’t say on television then find another job - or just write for television.

III. Thou Shalt Not Equate Dirty Movies with Erotic Writing

Films are films and stories are stories and very rarely do they meet. Another stigmata of the greenhorn is thinking that a smut story has to have the deep characterization and suburb plotting of a porno film. Even a story written for the lowest of markets has to have something aside from sex scenes. So face it, just siting down and writing out Debbie Does Everyone won’t do anything but bore you and the reader.

IV: Thou Shalt Not Exaggerate (too much) … (…read more! also seen @)

* Incidentally, this is a great time for me to remind the world of the ultimate resource for editors and writers of romance, smut, porn and all else sex related, The Erotica Readers & Writers Association. Wanna get published? Wanna find authors? Wanna find community to help you refine your craft? Go there! I do.

Update: I just got an email from M. saying his newest book is out and I’m dying to get my hands on a copy of Painted Doll: An Erotist’s Tale, a sci-fi noir porn novel. From the sales text: “Once again, acclaimed author M. Christian writes of the art of seduction. One of the pleasures of a dystopic future is the erotists, professionals who paint their clients’ bared skin with neurochemicals that induce sensuality. Erotists offer landscapes of ecstasy, pain, joy, and delight. Few citizens can afford the skills of the talented Domino. Fewer still know her identity is but a mask. Beneath the facade, Claire hides from a vicious crime lord who would not only kill her but her childhood lover. But the mask of Domino is beginning to crack… Painted Doll is futuristic noir tale, a wildly imaginative erotic adventure, exploring who we are and the sexual awakenings that occur when we become someone else.”

Maids are supposed to clean things, but as we’ve all learned on the internet, even if they clean stuff up they often make us feel all kinds of dirty on the inside. This Fall, Geisha Tokyo Entertainment plans to capitalize on all of that with the nifty little virtual sex companion Cyber Figure Alice (called “Dennoh Figure ARis”, an “Cyber-Maid Augmented Reality device”). Before getting too excited, know that it will only run on Windows XP, but looks like it’ll be a fun little user-run peepshow-on-a-desk, using augmented reality technology. Asiajin explains, “The package will come with two cyber-cubes and two cyber-sticks. You set up your webcam, then by putting the cyber-cube on your desk, a cyber-maid will be displayed on top of the cube on your PC screen. By maneuvering cyber-stick around the cube, you can peep, touch and let her change cloth [sic] virtually.” Contrary to Geisha Tokyo’s sales stills, she will only be visible on your monitor, but according to Gizmodo, Alice “will come with all manner up alternate reality upskirts, strip teases and “augmented” promiscuity.” Now if I could just get one of these and have her clean my desktop when I’m not groping her — I mean, making it worth her while — it would be the best of many worlds in one. (thanks Praemedia, also seen @ CrunchGear).

Harvesting pearls is a high-risk work environment that often requires improvised tools to be fashioned out of clothing. Here, Yara A, Uma B, Adriana E and Milana B provide a glimpse into their thankless toil.

Pretty girls, naked, happy and cute! Late, but I think there’s still a *little* bit of weekend left… The galleries I liked this last week include Hungarian Linda L who’s just pretty; hot Jenya D who forgot to take of her jewelry before getting in the shower; Nika rolling about in black stockings, Lidiya A who is a total deck; and Anna S who looks way different now with dark hair. There’s Yara A, Uma B, Adriana E and Milana B at the beach I really wish I was at today instead of chilly San Francisco;, Tina C and Lina F who are sisters and totally brings up my questions about legalities and ethics around blood relations engaging in sexual activity (um, I mean, oh dude they’re TWINS), Uma B who was totally framed (pictured), and the lovely outdoor black and whites with adorable itty bitty committee member Sisqua.

Additionally, because the amateur, low-budget bisexual videos I posted a while back were so popular (when will someone hurry up and cash in on this market with quality material!?), I clicked around and found a few more new ones worth a watch — and again, apologies that these aren’t inline play videos: behold the turquoise blinds which to me is way more shocking than bi guys sharing a girl; this attractive trio need not stay so close to the radiator to stay warm; lavender sheets and a sexy bi-male threesome are a winning combo; and I think this scene is the hottest of the lot.

Image via phheww.

This is actually a non-sex post, so feel free to skip right over it. However, it’s about a lot of things in my life — it’s guerrilla vlogging, it’s made by two people who are personal family, and it’s seriously badass when it comes to tutorials. Watch and learn, from the basics to the controversial — modern phone hacking by Citizen Engineer. Embedded here:

Update 07.20: The video is down, I’m waiting to hear if it got pulled, is being moved, etc… Update 2: Video is back up, yay! Seemed to be a glitch, not a violation of laws circa 1990, as hypothesized :)

* Incidentally, pt told me this was shot with the video camera I want oh-so-bad right now, the Xacti HD 1000. Looks great, sounds excellent.

Image via Rafa Lopez.

If you have the time, do check out as much of the high-fashion erotic photography and mind-blowing celebrity hotness to be found on Steven Klein Studio. Wow. I mean, wow. The site is in Flash and the navigation leaves a *lot* to be desired, but it’s well worth it. Here’s a video of Pitt and Jolie comprised of Klein’s photos featured on the site:

The Madonna horse + pony-play fetish series for W Magazine are mind-blowing. I like this as well:

Image via archiviwilhelmina’s set.

5. Take Care Of #1—Yourself Everything from your nails to your orgasm is your responsibility. If he can’t handle the job, you should finish it off.

Perhaps they meant “Take Care Of #1—The Viewers At Home.” Because when you’re having sex like a porn star, that’s the main thing that matters. (read: Complaints: How To Really Have Sex Like A Porn Star)

Image by Kitty Maer and Wolfgang Parker.

I was poking around Chas Ray Krider’s blog — he of the incredible Motel Fetish photo series — and saw that he had work up over in Stern.de’s free erotic galleries. Then I realized I hadn’t looked at their galleries in a long, time. They’re highly recommended if you want to goo and ga at beautiful girls photographed by some seriously talented erotic/fetish photographers. My favorite discovery from the lot is Kitty Maer, whose online portfolio is difficult to round up, but her Stern gallery is sumptuous (popup gallery, fyi).

Image by elaisted.

Yesterday I did a short interview with an international mainstream media outlet about the Playboy sexy female blogger list and how I felt about being on it, and the wider discussions it’s sparked about sexualizing women in tech. There’s been a lot said about that list*. But I think it’s important to remember that unless it’s a list like a Forbes list that has a whole huge pile of methodology and data behind it — or is clearly stated opinion from a pundit, media giant or expert — these lists are just vanity posts, and are a standard sort of linkbait. We all know this. And I think that’s not a bad thing: I pretty much love all blogger/vlogger lists because they’re like a bag of delicious snack food that you know isn’t really food but is delicious to devour, a sort-of indulgent pleasure — especially to see if you know who the poeple are on the list, etc. I respect lists that openly state that either a) they have substantiated reasons for the who-what-why of the list, or b) are openly stated personal lists by people who want to present their list as conventional wisdom based on observation and opinion. I’ve thought about this a lot, having my own yearly list that’s based on my year-long researched opinions, and reader-submitted nominations. As to whether I thought the Playboy list was somehow ‘demeaning’ to the women on it (I’ve been asked), see the above photo for my opinion on women, internet sexualization, and power.

The Playboy list was one of those lists that was Playboy’s editorial opinion; and it was actually compiled in May then delayed to July, then the lede was re-written to reflect That Boing Boing Thing. At the same time the Playboy list finally got published, someone came up with a ‘50 most influential female bloggers list’ — and the people who did it immediately spammed all the women on the list asking for links and Diggs. I mean, thanks for including me. Again, it’s so easy to fuck up marketing to bloggers, sigh. I emailed them back thanking them and politely asking what their methodology was for making the list, and got silence and tumbleweeds. Shady.

But this week over at Between My Sheets, we’ve got a great list in the making taking form in the post Nominate Some Sexy Bloggers. It’s sweet and very DIY, and I see some incredible female bloggers in the comments — which is my secret guilty pleasure, picking through the comments and making new sex blogger and porn discoveries. Check it out; I’m looking forward to seeing how this list comes out — especially when I compile my sexy geeks list at the end of the year.

* DollyMix had a painful anti-sex feminist rant about the list, and my comment on their post was not published.

Update 07.20: Jack Schofield at Guardian U.K. writes about the methodology-free ‘influential’ list in Which women bloggers are worth a look?

Image by Billy Currell, who takes KFC to new highs and lows at Kentucky Fried Tender. Well, as a friend used to tell me, “He may be the Colonel to you, but he’s Hitler to us chickens.”

Not long ago I blogged about the legal team who wants to use Google Trends as an arbiter for community standards in a Florida obscenity case. I missed it in the first round, but Silicon Alley Insider took that logic a step further and using Google Trends, came up with a list of the ten most obscene cities in the U.S. The winner? Louisville, KY. San Francisco didn’t even make the list — for shame! The explain their methodology in the post, but here’s a snip from the middle:

The idea: If Google proves that local residents search for “sex” more than they do for, well, anything else, then the defense can argue that Internet pornographers are just satisfying a local need, not corrupting innocent minds. We like this idea, though we’re dubious that the courts are going to go for it.

But suppose they do? Where then, according to Google, does an obscenity defendant stand the best chances? In other words: What city’s residents are most interested in looking up dirty stuff on the Web?

Google Trends says: Louisville, Kentucky.

We know! We were surprised, too — almost as surprised as we were to see neither New York City or San Francisco in our top 10. The full list:

The 10 American Cities Most Likely To Search For Obscene Material

1. Louisville, KY
2. Rochester, NY
3. Philadelphia, PA
4. Newark, NJ
5. Los Angeles, CA

(…read more.)

SA 5074. Mrs. DOLE submitted an amendment intended to be proposed by her to the bill S. 2731, to authorize appropriations for fiscal years 2009 through 2013 to provide assistance to foreign countries to combat HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis, malaria, and for other purposes; which was ordered to lie on the table; as follows: On page 1, line 5, strike ”and Henry J. Hyde” and insert ”, Henry J. Hyde, and Jesse Helms”. (via Crooks and Liars)

You know the guy. Global leadership and AIDS — um, he’s the one who globally led the charge against not AIDS, but people WITH AIDS. Memo to Dole. No, really, this almost actually happened. Joe. My. God. reminds us:

Jesse Helms, the man who in 1987 described AIDS prevention literature as “so obscene, so revolting, I may throw up.”

Jesse Helms, the man who in 1988 vigorously opposed the Kennedy-Hatch AIDS research bill, saying, “There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.”

Jesse Helms, the man who in 1995 said (in opposition to refunding the Ryan White Act) that the government should spend less on people with AIDS because they got sick due to their “deliberate, disgusting, revolting conduct.” (…read more.)

The good news is that the bill has passed without the big “fuck you” to everyone who has half a brain, has an LGBT friend, family member, or lover; all of Act Up, everyone HIV+ who did and did not survive Helms, everyone who watched the population of San Francisco turn into a ghost town at the height of the epidemic when the president wouldn’t even say the word, and all of us gnashing our teeth watching the statistics rise, again. The good news is that the funding is triple. The problem is, the biggest AIDS relief bill in history almost carried forth the ugliest legacy of hatred I’ve seen in my generation. I think Dole is one of many so-stupid-they’re-evil elected officials, but I think she’s on her way to first place for Worst Person in The World award for her horrifyingly insensitive actions.

Image by Anthony Koeslag.

This week’s SF Chronicle column explores the limits of monogamy in the digital era — thought not as much as I’d like to, as I did need to keep the column under 1500 words! And I have a lot more material on the subject: in fact, after the jump please do read the entire, unedited interview between myself and psychotherapist Dr. Keely Kolmes. What she has to say about cybersex in relationships is eye-opening. However, that’s not to say you shouldn’t read my column, because I also have some very choice back-and-forth with well-known sex blogger Ellie Lumpesse about her cybersex trysts and relationships from *within* her committed long-term real life relationship — very interesting stuff, and she has great advice, too. Snip:

“Hey. Baby. I know you like to have some fun. You. Know. Where to find me,” burbles Kari, the Virtual Girlfriend in a halting, female Stephen Hawking voice through my G4’s speakers. But while Kari might be the most advanced commercially available artificial intelligence pleasure model online, if I walked in on a boyfriend having an 8-bit roll in the hay with her, I’d be fighting the urge to laugh, not the urge to throw dishes. Cybersex , it seems, might just be in the eye of the beholder.

Right now there are more ways to have cybersex than ever thought possible, and it’s making modern couples reconfigure their relationships’ Terms of Service. Cybersex makes it easy to cheat; you don’t have to meet anyone, so the risk factor is low on all fronts — except maybe emotionally. Cybersex is also a more creative form of masturbation, so in many ways it’s not too terribly different than enjoying porn or fantasy. But that cybersex often involves another human gives it a twist; walking in on a boyfriend with an actual human female on the other side of the screen, having a hot and heavy text or cam session — I don’t need to consult our ToS to know that wouldn’t feel good, at all.

But if it’s really just masturbation, then is cybersex “real” sex? Dr. Keely Kolmes, Psy.D., a San Francisco psychotherapist for individuals and couples, tells me, “I would say that whether or not it is ‘real’ sex depends upon how the interaction is experienced by the participants. It may even feel ‘real’ for one person in the encounter, and not for the other person with whom they are having cybersex. On the other hand, you may have two people having cybersex where neither of them considers it ‘real,’ despite arousal, a feeling of intimacy, and even mutual orgasm — and yet their real-life partners may beg to differ.” Kolmes adds, “But it’s fascinating that two people can be having an experience and one person may compartmentalize it in a way that feels ‘not real,’ while the other person is feeling much more integrated about it.”

For Ellie Lumpesse, (lumpesse.com), it’s sex all right — and thank goodness, because that’s what she and her committed, live-in boyfriend of three years are openly looking for. (…read more!)

From my email exchange with Dr. Kolmes, republished with permission:

VB: is cybersex “real” sex?

Dr. Kolmes: This is a great question. We are dealing with the intersection of
fantasy and the mingling of psyches. I would say that whether or not
it is “real” sex depends upon how the interaction is experienced by
the participants. It may even feel “real” for one person in the
encounter, and not for the other person with whom they are having
cybersex! On the other hand, you may have two people having cybersex
where neither of them considers it “real,” despite arousal, a feeling
of intimacy, and even mutual orgasm–and yet their real-life partners
may beg to differ. It depends upon your definitions of sex and whether
sharing or co-creating fantasies (or building arousal) is in and of
itself a real enough sexual experience for you. But it’s fascinating
that two people can be having an experience and one person may
compartmentalize it in a way that feels “not real,” while the other
person is feeling much more integrated about it.

VB: if someone is in a relationship and they have cybersex, are they cheating?

Dr. Kolmes: Again, I really think this depends upon what the person and their
partner(s) thinks. In our current climate, with all of these
possibilities, if partners are at a point in which they are
negotiating monogamy and outside sexual experiences, they also may
need to consider working the topic of cybersex into these
negotiations. It is a real potential source of conflict since one
partner may define it as real while the other may think of it as pure
fantasy. But these kinds of different conceptions of the same sexual
acts are not new for poly couples who may have very different feelings
about various sensual, emotional, or sexual activities (i.e, the
relative intimacy of kissing vs. more genital-specific touching vs.
BDSM play, etc.). However, I think it can become dangerous for
partners to focus on the conversation on who is “right.”. A more
productive focus might be understanding one another’s perspectives on
the significance of the interactions and coming to understandings
about what kinds of online exchanges are acceptable and how much
information people need or want to have about it.

Some people may draw the line at cybersex with known people, saying
that this would feel like too much of a violation, and that it’s only
okay if their partner plays with (presumed) strangers. Others may feel
better having clear rules about sharing the logs of the activity. Some
may want to watch or supervise. Some may prefer that the cybersex be
around particular acts that are less appealing to them (forms of
fantasy play, perhaps, that the partner may not enjoy as much). Others
may feel more comfortable if their partner has cybersex with some
other identity (gender role switching or avatar or whatever).

VB: what’s different about infidelity online versus traditional
infidelity? do we need to make more distinctions between physical
infidelity vs. emotional infidelity?

Dr. Kolmes: Again, this gets to definitions of sex and whether it’s the act of
touching, in the same room that makes something real. I think it also
gets to what feels intimate to someone….is it being naked? Being
touched? Having someone see/hear/feel your orgasm? Or having someone
know what really gets you off? Is it having sex as yourself (since
some people use cybersex to play with other roles/identities)?

But what is also different about “infidelity” (I don’t like using that
term since it presumes that cybersex *is* cheating) or “intimacy,”
online is that it also doesn’t have to take place in real time. People
can exchange intimate stories over days/weeks/months. Or have a sexual
exchange over IM. They can be sitting at their desks in plain view
having these intimate exchanges. They can be multitasking and on the
phones with their bosses or spouses while this is occurring. They can
check in and out or come back later and finish an exchange or leave in
the middle of it without being “rude.” These interactions can be
troubling to some because they can be so immediate and yet so
invisible.

VB: how does someone know (or determine) that they’ve crossed a line
with cybersex and infidelity? then what do they do?

Dr. Kolmes: Signs that you may be crossing a line would include things like
feeling guilty about it or feeling the need to keep it a secret. Or if
you find that you’re using cybersex as a safe way to express specific
fantasies with someone else that you are afraid to share with your
relationship partner(s). If you find yourself complaining about your
relationship
to the person you’re engaging in cybersex with or using it in some other
way to devalue your relationship, this would also be a sign that you
are crossing significant boundaries. If you find ourself canceling out on
face-to-face dates with your partner or others in your life in order to have
cybersex, that *could* be a bad sign.

I think it’s important that people understand the role that the
cybersex/cyber-relationship is playing in their life. What exactly is
it satisfying? Is it a way to explore a specific fantasy? Does it feel
like a creative writing endeavor? Is it developing a relationship that
feels exciting? Is it seeking out a kind of emotional intimacy? I’m
interested in seeing the people I work with feeling integrated, whole,
and happy about their choices. If someone is not feeling these things,
it may be a clue that it would be good to find someone to talk to who
can help them sort out what part of it is feeling wrong. If it is hard
to unravel what feels wrong, or to understand what part of the
encounters is especially compelling, talking to an individual
therapist may help to uncover and express some of those deeper needs.

If you’re already in a communicative relationship with a partner and
you want to start talking about cybersex after you may have crossed
some boundaries, good starting points for remedies to violations would
be to simply bring up the topic of cybersex with your partner. It
might be good to start by talking about fantasies and other erotic
supplements to your fantasy life (such as pictures, videos, written
erotica, toys). That would be a good launching point for acknowledging
that there haven’t been conversations about using more interactive
media or involving other live people. If these types of conversations
feel too intimidating, or they are not going well, it might be useful
to consider getting help from a sex positive therapist who works with
people in relationships. It is also important to find a therapist who
won’t jump
directly to assuming that this is a case of porn addiction or internet
addiction–but to find someone who can help you and your partner
communicate more
explicitly about fantasy, desires and about how to talk about these
things.

VB: bonus question: if someone’s avatar has sex with another avatar in a
game, is it cheating? it it even sex?

Dr. Kolmes: Putting aside all humorous first responses, I’d be awfully curious if
someone uses the idea of the avatar in order to experience it as “not
me,” and, if so, why that works for them. This would be really
interesting information in part of understanding how they conceive of
it. But otherwise, all other comments above apply!

Image “Corpse Bride” by Mia Oliver, which should probably be in the Brides of Second Life pool.

Please see this post for background and details! I’m working on an exciting project that currently has me needing to pick the brains of strangers, and ask for quotes (anonymous or otherwise, it’s up to you). I’m slowly making my way through the hyooge number of responses I got for may last call (thank you!). I’m hoping to email chat with people who have been, or are going to be, married online in MMORPG’s. Do you perform marriages in Second Life? Is your avatar married? Are you on your way to the virtual altar? I want to talk to you, and your privacy and anonymity is utmost. Email me at ‘violet at tinynibbles dot com’ if you’re interested in answering a few questions. All genders, orientations and species are welcome to reply — my goal is diversity — and please do let me know from the start if you’re okay with being quoted (or not), and if so, what name you want me to use.

Short version: this is a warning to my fellow adult bloggers about a very dubious pitch you may have received recently. Etology.com is sending out spammy emails to adult bloggers in which the company feigns an interest in buying ads, only to abandon that pretense once you answer the email. Without further ado, having confirmed your interest in selling ads, they begin giving the hard sell for ad brokerage services — not buying any ads at all, but rather, offering your ad space to their network of potential advertisers. Classic bait-and-switch: first the false offer (the bait) to get your attention, then the switch to the real offer. Illegal in some jurisdictions, scummy everywhere. (…)

(…) Writing that email forced me to figure out why I care as much about this as I do. We live in an attention economy these days, and prioritizing our attention is vital to business success. I (well, me and my filters) sort four or five thousand emails a day, most of them spam and most of the rest, bacn. Sorting out the tiny but significant fraction of business email from people who actually want to send me money? That’s a vital business function that takes a lot of time and effort. Lying to me in an effort to subvert my vital business functions? Way to piss me off.

Lying for attention is theft of attention, and it’s not just a minor offense. Time is money, and stealing one is as bad as stealing the other. If the corporate culture at Etology.com is honestly supportive of this type of deception, they are not a company I’d enjoy having to trust for a monthly check. (…read more.)

Image by Chase Lisbon for Supercult.

My dear sweet fellow Fleshbotette Lux has been toiling away in the porn mines ever since she put up this post asking readers what they *really* want to see. And for that I salute her in the most salacious of ways — one of my pet peeves about the porn biz is that they’ve always just forced the same old stereotypes and cookie-cutter porn on consumers, rather than finding out what people really want. That is why the internet is the best thing to ever happen to porn, at least from the point of view of those of us who enjoy porn and want to see good stuff. Or at least stuff we’d like to see more of. So, based on reader requests, Lux has so far compiled:

* Girls with freckles!
* Ginger girls!
* Previously blogged, but no small opportunity for mention shall pass: itty bitty titties!
* Pierced babes!
* Curvy girls (not BBW, just fleshy goodness).
* Rare as a white tiger: unshaved hotties!
* Everybody loves spanking videos.
* And today — girls in hats! (Hats?)

Image of sex ed gone wrong (and possible disemvowelment) via clarie.whithard.

Reader Helen sends me this very interesting article about an exciting new sex ed program in Australian schools; I’d love to make something like this happen in our schools. Snip from Program offers new take on sex education:

(…) Many young people have been complaining that what they’re taught in class is not relevant to their lives.

Now researchers from the University of Western Sydney have put together a program that they say will work for 16 to 25-year-olds.

(…) First she [Associate Professor Moira Carmody from the University of Western Sydney’s Social Justice and Social Change Research Centre] interviewed young people about their sexual behaviour, experiences and concerns, then used that information to devise the six-week program that has been run in six communities in Sydney and regional New South Wales.

“It’s really about what they’re doing because a lot of programs tend to focus just on biology and safe sex, but they don’t - as some of the young people said to me, ‘They don’t tell us how to pick up’,” she said.

“They don’t tell us how to work out how to do consent, how to communicate with people. Those sort of things were what they were interested in.”

As part of the program, the young people did roleplay, were trained to interpret body language, practice standing up to people, raise issues with their friends, and they were encouraged to reflect on their behaviour and expectations. (…read more.)

Calling the robo-babes in Axe’s newest commercial ‘technosexual females’ is quite fitting; I always find the Axe commercials quite playful and fun, and a full-service boy-wash with female mechanical parts is a cute way to sell products. Yes, I too am dirty. Found on Ad Punch, via Elegant Lines.

Image via darkbeans. I also found this cute vintage spanking collection.

So it looks like BBC News decided to follow in Guardian UK’s recent BDSM-y text-steps and attempts to report on the Max Mosley lawsuit, whilst explaining BDSM to the masses — and manages to mangle the piece nicely with sensationalism and prudery to an extent that surprises even me. It’s actually kind if funny, and it’s not just me who felt that way: Seattle Stranger’s SLOG also thought it was hee-larry-us (and rather hypocritical), and they weighed in with Who Would Jesus Flog? (Himself). But for me, the final giggle came when I’d waded through the whole teeth-gnashing, hair-pulling, hysterical ’spanking leads to brutal murder’ piece and got to the reader comments. After Britain’s secretive S&M scene, BBC readers waste no time telling BBC off, and my favorite line was “There’s nothing more British than a right royal spanking followed by a nice cup of tea. It helped build the Empire.” How civilized. Sorry BBC; times have changed, and this is FAIL. (Thanks for the SLOG link, Tyler!)

Elvis Costello = still hot. Especially with his recent music video Monkey to Man, which is just full of bouncing babes in retro bikinis! And I mean bouncing — there are some seriously Russ Meyer camera angles in this video… and it’s super extra double plus fun. Not unfun in the least. Interestingly, I was going to embed this from YouTube but the quality was so poor (I don’t want you to miss a jiggle, dear readers) so I poked around and found this embeddable MTV version, introducing me to MTV’s high quality embeddable music videos. Cool! (PS, beware of annoying postroll ad.)

Update: A reader just commented that viewers outside the US can’t watch the MTV video, they “get a notice that ‘Copyrights restrict us from playing this video outside the U.S.’” Now that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard of. Okay, maybe not the lamest thing *this month* but it’s up there… Here’s another version: