Travelers to Australia are getting a little extra something now when they enter the country. Upon arrival, they’re greeted with a long line. Mistakenly thinking this is the beginning of all that globally-rumored Ausse hospitality, tourists eagerly queue up in the line for A-listers, exhausted after their long journey and thrilled to know they are about to taken care of, Australian style. It’s all going to be foot rubs, champagne, and shrimp on the red carpet barbie until their passports are stamped and they get to finally experience the friendliness and beauty of Australia.
Until they realize the line is Passport Control searching people they suspect of bringing porn into the country.
No, they didn’t take a wrong turn at Albuquerque and land in Pakistan. That snap of the glove before ruining a vacationing honeymooner’s wedding night is actually the sound of Australia implementing their new laws that prohibit the import of illegal porn into the country. The implementation’s changes were “sneaked through” so I’m guessing the people with the rubber gloves don’t know their MILFs from a LOLcat, and since “illegal” to them includes scenes with “extreme degradation” no one will be sneaking any fully clothed pictures of Courtney Love into the country anytime soon.
So in the plane on your way Down Under, if you fill out your little entry card and say “yes” to having porn on you — no, it doesn’t say what kind of porn, just any porn — return your seats to their uptight position and lube up: you get a very special greeting upon landing. Good thing looking at all that porn taught you how to grab your ankles.
Your first taste of Australia *the preview* depends on which media outlets you’re getting your information from. It is either a scary Orwellian journey to a country tourists will think twice about returning to ever again after being treated like baby rapers upon arrival — OR — their privacy holes are already so reamed from being American citizens they barely notice Australia taking its turn in the human rights gangbang (antiporn edition). For example:
* Customs porn searches baffle travellers (news.com.au)
* New porn rules aren’t bothering travellers (abc.net.au)
Um… which one is it?
More importantly, if I ever go to Australia (and I was really hoping to someday), how the hell do I answer that question? Surely even if I don’t have my laptop, any of my books, photos on my camera of the last event I reported on, an iPod with rap videos or the movie “Clockwork Orange” on it… I’ll still have my Android phone in my purse. And we all know what that means.
How did this happen, Australian lawmakers? We know your drains go in the opposite direction Down There. Does your common sense, also? This law was a result of your anti-porn campaigns to stop the flow of illegal porn into your country, and you have to admit that it got a little crack-pipe scented when you made porn illegal that contains women with A-cups, claiming that images of naked girls who have small breasts are equivalent to kiddie porn, and that this is linked to pedophilia. You said you read studies that proved it. Itty Bitty Titty Crisis: averted. Well, I hope you all learn how to jack off with handcuffs on Down There for when you read studies from like-minded ideologists with equally dubious data claiming that gay people are also pedophiles who marry dingoes.
UPDATE: This is great — reader Ben Caradoc-Davies thoughtfully left a link in the comments where I can download the new “Incoming Passenger Card” so I can practice before landing: