As many readers know, last friday I was on a panel at the Sex in Video Games conference, which was held here in SF — and I’ve alluded to residual crankiness about the experience in a recent post, so now I’ll give you my play-by-play. Sex in Video Games sounded like it would be a really fun con and a place to check out cool new ideas and meet exciting designers and cute nerds and stuff.
I should have stayed home with a hammer, a box of finish nails and slowly — slowly — pounded them into my gums.
Let me make totally clear that the organizers qDot and Brenda Brathwaite are extremely cool and sex-positive (Brenda does in fact rock harder than Judas Priest), and they are my friends. And you should really read Annalee Newitz’ terrific writeup. But the attitudes about sex expressed on my panel were so dated and narrow that I was actually shocked. And yes, I got in an argument (or several) with fellow panelists onstage, people were telling me I basically got hit on *by the moderator* during the panel, and then had more arguments afterward. Joy! More (and lots of bad attitude that will certainly get me angry mail) after the jump.
It’s like there’s this whole big room that is human sexuality. And for the sex + video games developers, the lights are off and it’s dark. But instead of looking for light switches, they’d rather use flashlights.
Image: me being interviewed sunday night by Marjorie Kase, photo by Scott Beale.
* * * * * * *
I skipped the first day of the conference to make headway on my book, then arrived for the lunch break prior to my panel so I could meet people and see who was there. I was excited to see my pals Annalee Newitz and Phoenix Linden, and to be introduced to Wired and Cnet writers. I was immediately interviewed, which pretty much kept me busy until the second keynote began.
When it began I thought it was a hilarious presentation — until I realized that the “voice of women + gender in video games” was actually giving us a powerpoint presentation on *her version* of the history of female sexuality. Um, why? After her joke about how she loves when the clitoris was discovered and her start on the word “homosexual” in history and the invention of the vibrator — I wanted to kill myself. Painfully. With my pen, or my iPod, or something. I walked out, and into the lobby before I got into trouble by asking questions, or reflexively shooting coffee out my nose. Annalee and Phoenix (and a couple others) joined me; we talked about sex and fucking until it was over — definitely the hottest sex talk that happened at the con all day.
Then it was time for my panel. Moderating was a guy from the game Red Light Center, who introduced himself to me in the lobby, including these choice bits — he: “I’m a hippie!” me: *tight smile* he: “Those are really sexy *indicating my stripey armlets*” me: “Thanks.” On my right was Marty Klein, who I was on a panel with once before and remember that he knew little about porn on the web or sex & bloggers’ rights (the panel topic) and that he liked to talk a lot. He didn’t remember me at all. On my left was a surprise addition to the panel, and after him was Kelly Rued, who I didn’t know but runs the site Black Love Interactive.
Panel highlights, by person:
* I’ll start with Kelly Rued since she dissed me in the lobby after the panel, and our conflict was immediate. The topic was “turning on the player”, and she made definitive statements about how you need to make relationships for sexual interaction (especially for women), and mentioned Second Life as an example for making these relationships. I took the microphone the minute she was done and said actually you don’t need to make friends to fuck, and not everyone wants to, in a game, period — especially if you’re a woman. She was *not happy* with this (and yes I said fuck in front of all the cameras, I didn’t care) and in her next turn at the microphone she put me (and I guess people like me) into the gaming equivalent of the “raincoater” category, even suggesting that going into a game just to fuck is nonconsensual and “those people are going to do that no matter what”.
(Unknown to me = Brenda called qDot at this point and was like, “you won’t believe this, but…”). At one point teledildonics came up and she told me I was wrong about the patent information. In a hilarious moment, she even namedropped qDot and told people to check out his site. Yes, Kelly was an utterly charming woman. After the panel I was chilling in the lobby with Phoenix while the “ethics” (read: hand-wringing, “save the children from pedophiles”) panel was in session. Kelly walked by and I stopped her and (foolishly) said, “Hey it was nice being on the panel with you, even though we didn’t agree.” She: “Aren’t you going to watch the ethics panel?” Me: “No, I’m on those panels from time to time and I’m taking a break.” She: “Oh. *walks away*” (!) I was told later that she has a reputation for repeatedly attacking Second Life for allowing adults to engage in sexual age-play scenarios. Judging others’ sexuality much?
* Then there was the hippie. To his credit he sent me a blankety apology email a few days ago — but that still doesn’t get him off the hook for a) pushing his game and own agenda for game market research throughout the entire panel; b) making *lots* of weird comments about trans people (even mysteriously saying “pre-op, I guess” at one point); c) rephrasing everything the panelists said in his own words incorrectly; and d) singling me out as the “sexy girl” on the panel. It was after I said you don’t need a relationship to fuck in game, and he said, “Well I’ll bet Violet could just visit any game and jump into an orgy and everyone would be happy.” This pissed me off on several levels: I like to be objectified as much as the next guy, but it’s *really* inappropriate in any situation where it devalues what I’m saying. Then it’s dismissive and sexist, and not fun like I like it. Also, this was the top end of my tolerance for all the supersuper heterocentric attitudes being expressed by all of these people. In reaction I grabbed the microphone and said, “Yeah, I could go into a straight game world looking like this and get hella laid by straight guys — but I could also visit a gay environment as a young twink-boy and have even more sex as a guy. Watch your gender stereotypes.”
The worst highlight of the het-centric stuff this guy pushed was his (vested) interest in assuring males who had sex in game environments that the women they have sex with are *really* women. I won’t repeat his transphobic comments and questions — but to this, again I grabbed the mic and said “Look, if a guy has sex with someone who isn’t the gender they presented *it’s not your problem*. And I want to seriously caution all of you about designing your games around homphobia and gender panic.” (This was when I got claps and whistles from the audience). Disgustingly, it was at this point in the conversation Marty Kelin leaned over to me off mic and referenced people not being who you thought they were, and said “Sounds like marriage”. (Klein is an MFT. Yikes.)
* Marty Klein. Ugh. All I’ll say is that during the trans bullshit he used the movie Victor/Victoria to illustrate his points. Which is totally what trans people identify with. (NOT!)
* The other guy on the panel was cool. Wish there were more of him on it, because it was the most unproductive and unsexy discussion on sex I’ve ever encountered.
When the panel was over, I was approached by a Virtual Jenna rep in the lobby (while Phoenix was plying me + him with Fernet Branca to ease all of our pain). Mr. Jenna asked how I liked the con; I told him that I was disappointed that the moderator of my panel had an agenda to push his game, and that I was even more bummed that the con was very expensive to attend and thus inaccessible to a lot of people who could signifigantly contribute to the overall discussion and culture. He said he hadn’t thought of that, but told me he was just releived to be able to talk about what he does for a living openly. I found this especially perplexing — the Jenna Jameson game people are ashamed of what they do, ashamed of sex?! He said, yeah we really have to be careful in all our outside discussions not to use the “P” word — we’re trying to get away from that. I thought, does he mean “pussy”? What P word, I asked. He leaned in — “Porn.” I told him I loved the word porn and used it all the time, as much as possible. He pressed saying that when the “Hillary Clintons” hear it they react — I told him that was exactly why I used it, and in reference to women enjoying it as much as possible.
That discussion was over — I can’t agree with you on that one, I told him, and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me using the word porn because I don’t have to, and I’m not trying to monetize my views, so good luck.
I should probably also mention that I dissed Virtual Hottie from the stage — I said that an interface like that where there’s a submissive Barbie girl that you fuck and stick things into with an assumed male audience was just one narrow channel of sexual expression and that there are a lot more (channels) than that. And that the male audience they’re perceiving as their customers want more than that, that they’re more sexually sophisitcated than the VH developers think, and that nachos are great but no one wants to eat nachos every day of the week. I told the audience that if they really want to find out what people want in relation to sex and games and what turns on players they should do their market research in Second Life. I explained that because SL isn’t a sex game but is instead a whole, complete multifaceted world with commerce and that they just accept that in any part of a world, its commerce and human interaction *a portion of it will be about sex and this is a natural given*. That people grow their sexuality organically. On their own terms, with their own desires — they’re not being led anywhere sexually, gender-wise or with any stereotypes. No one wants to be led anymore; that’s why I think they can all learn from Second Life.
I’m really tired of people thinking that sex needs to be dumbed-down, softened, or contextualized by romace and life partners for us women to get off. It’s like I said to Kelly Rued in front of all those people — there’s relationships, and there’s sex, and they’re not mutually exclusive. You’re probably tired of hearing me say this, too.
That was an epic post — but I’m still shocked at how sexually ignorant and dated the views of all these sex in games people are. This lame article is a great example, but then again, this is from the woman who got the definition of teledildonics wrong.
I’m never going to be on a panel again.
I can’t wait to tell you about Vloggercon 2006 (which fucking rocked!), and what an ultra-douche the French Maid TV guy is.
