There’s an awful lot going on in Tinyland. Last week I saw PornOrchestra and the whole performance was like a big dream come true. First, you’ve never lived until you’ve seen not one, but three full professional orchestras with conductors improvise music to porn being shown on the big screen. Amazing; the conductors watched the screen and directed each set of the 20-30 musicians — who were all grinning ear to ear — to create fantastic scores to the giant cocks and pussies undulating and pounding onscreen. I had also never seen porn on the really big screen like that, and those dicks must’ve been at least ten feet tall! The Moekestra! was astounding, and they brought their own porn, hilarious vintage footage of mating squid, snails and turtles (who are incredibly nasty, I discovered — Rocco’s got nothing on the turtles). Then the Punk Rock Orchestra took the stage, all eyeliner and zippers, to deliver flawless covers of Orgasm Addict and Stick it In to the classic porn onstage. Then the PornOrchestra finished us off (like a massage parlor sex worker) with thirty musicians playing to scenes from The Hills Have Bi’s, chosen both for the grammatical error and the horrible music that is actually in the film. Wow. If you can ever see this ensemble, drop everything, grab a beer and go.
Okay, so you know I’m an employee of Good Vibes, but now they’re making not an honest woman out of me, but a big ol’ ho — last week forty ads went up all over town with my name on them! It’s kinda weird seeing my name everywhere, it’s like the voices are on the outside, on every street corner. But really, that’s a lot of ads. They’re promoting all of our Pride weekend festivities, namely the She-Rotic reading on Friday June 27 at the Polk Street store. I’m shy about getting up in front of people (really!), so at first I said I’d do it if I didnt have to actually say anything, plus all my other girl writer pals will be there. However, I’m stir-crazy — I’ve spent the past week doing the final edits on a book I’ve been working on for almost a year, The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos (September), and so I asked my publisher if I could read from it before it’s out, which is kind of unheard-of, but they said yes! Yay! So I’ll dress up, read something I’m really proud of, then have a cocktail! (Or maybe the cocktail first…) Then the rest of the busy, busy weekend — much of which is coordinating Good Vibes’ Pride contingent with the Extra Action Marching Band, which will be like herding cats, but well worth the spectacle. Plus I have a kinky superhero outfit to wear.
It’s nice to be pretty much done with the book. After I finished all the major work on Sunday night, I decided to go help some SRL friends move something very big and heavy down at the piers. One guy had rented two big forklifts to move a giant trailer up onto a shipping container, and I happen to be experienced in forklifts, sneaking around at night, directing drivers, wrenching and moving really large objects. I jumped in my car, slapped some security company magnets on the sides, and drove down to the docks… It felt nice to be outside, it was very warm and the docks were haunting, dark, picturesque. There were rats and puddles, stars, Coit Tower, and us with our forklifts and black clothes. My favorite part of the evening came when we were moving our item down a very long, dark, covered pier, and I was on foot, so one of my friends said, "get my bike, ride it along and help direct." His bike was a small dirt bike, a Honda XR100. I found the tiny motorcycle leaned up against the building outside (they’re small and light as a heavy mountain bike, I swear). I got on it, and to my delight I kicked it over on the first try, spun it around, and rode helmetless down the pier, riding around the forklift and load, helping direct. When we got our load to its destination, I took off on the bike, racing it down the pier in utter darkness without a helmet, seeing what I could make it do. It was kind of scary, and I’ve never ridden a bike so new, or small. I think now that a small dirt bike is the ultimate girl’s accessory.