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This year, 2008, it can be over now.
2008:
Today I got an email from a teenager in a group home asking for advice on “getting into” the industry because he is about to become homeless and live on the streets. This year: the woman whose boyfriend wouldn’t stop choking her during sex. The woman who couldn’t stop bleeding after sex, and the other woman whose sexual trauma from childhood destroyed her relationship and she was writing me at her darkest hour. The man who was raped as a boy who I sent to a fantastic therapist. The person who stumbled across pornography so horrifying online that I put them in touch with the FBI. The couple who tried a sex act and one of them went into anaphylactic shock — after the ER trip, we deduced that it was an ingredient in the lube they were using.
The dozens of emails I got asking if the person emailing is “normal” for being aroused by a fantasy they find offensive or morally questionable in real life. Several emails from women who can’t have an orgasm and need specific answers to everything they’re trying. Three from parents whose 13 or 14 year-olds are going to have sex and they can’t stop them, and need advice so the kids make the right decisions. Seven heartbreaking emails from people going through breakups where something sexual was the final break. One from a woman who was cheated on.
Two international regular emailers who asked advice and keep me posted on their gender transitions, the toll it’s taking on work and keeping jobs, and struggle to stay in their marriages when their spouses reject them regularly. The senior in high school whose friends regard her as their sex advice resource — she needed my advice. The guy with genital injuries asked what safe toys he should try. I can’t count how many times I’ve been told this year I am the “only one” they can “ask for help.” Dozens of emails about safer sex referrals and advice. At least ten people placed successfully with therapists.
This year, 2008:
* named: Wired’s Faces of Innovation 2008
* awarded: SFBG’s Best of the Bay 2008
* times I was interviewed by large international corporations for tech development advice: 5; 4 paid, 3 recorded
* number of times I was told to kill myself: 32 (that I know of)
* number of death threats I received: 3
* police reports I made: 3
* times I have attempted to obtain restraining orders: 2
* restraining orders I was granted: 0
* number of times my address and phone number were posted online: 1
* number of times I was asked for help from others dealing with online stalkers: 6
* number of strangers who wrote me for help: see above
* number of strangers who told me I “saved” their life: see above
* number of boyfriends who told me they can’t cope with the hatred directed at me: one
* number of times the Wikipedia page about me was vandalized or falsified: dozens, possibly near a hundred; it has been locked and is currently “move prevented due to vandalism”
* who called me a liar with no substantiation: BoingBoing, Valleywag, AVN (not counting trolls/stalkers)
* number of “anon” comments left on my blog with statements like “eat shit and die bitch”: 14
* number of free phones I was sent, with accounts: 5
* times I was recognized in public by total strangers: about 50% of the time I left the house
* books I authored and edited, released: 5
* books and publications I was featured or quoted in: 4 books, publications too numerous to count
* lectures I have presented about sexual health and technology, from ETech to UCSF/SFSI.org: 9
* number of times I have been invited / allowed to see my disabled ex-husband: one
* blogs I’ve launched: 2 (artmachines.org, violetbluesf.com)
* highest number of comments on my San Francisco sex column: 1369 (Fear of A Gay Planet) That column also got me the most “kill yourself” suggestions.
So many friends get mad at me for not returning their emails.
I fucking hate the holidays. When I saw “Milk” last week, I cried and cried and cried. Not just because it’s a heart-wrencher of a story, but because I suddenly didn’t feel SO ALONE. Like I do tonight. I decorated the xmas tree at the Hat Factory today: I didn’t know how to do it.
Today I went to the Blue Front Cafe, where I’ve been going for 18 years, for a sandwich. They were playing The Police. They’ve been playing anything Sting-related since that dude made an album. I wanted to call Jessie and tell her, “Hanny’s STILL playing Sting!” But Jessie killed herself a couple years ago. So I took this picture; it looks like her more than me.
I was born in the San Francisco Bay Area to a mother who was a Stanford engineering graduate and Oakland native that worked in Silicon Valley. My father was a San Francisco native whom I never met but was told had died, then later my mom told me he disappeared after returning from service in the Navy. I grew up in a single mother household estranged from family members, and was surrounded by adults who worked at technology companies such as Atari and were steeped in Bay Area drug culture. I was reading at an early age and was repeatedly IQ tested at Stanford before age ten. In kindergarten I was placed in a fourth grade reading class while my home life descended into violence, drugs, crime and poverty.
At age ten my mother had quit working in the technology sector and exclusively dealt cocaine and marijuana, prompting us to move frequently around San Francisco, the East Bay and South Bay. After my mom witnessed a drug related murder and was raped by a dealer, my mother participated in a sting operation bust of her associates at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in San Francisco and placed us into a witness protection program where my mother was given a new identity, social security number and relocated. However, she quickly became re-immersed in cocaine addiction and drug dealing, showing me at age 13 how to prepare and ready crack cocaine for (her) consumption. She offered it to me. I tried it once and didn’t like “feeling funny.” Witnessing beatings, watching my mother’s physical and emotional abuse from her boyfriends, and finally fearing rape when my mother would leave me alone for the night with her drug customers, I left home (a rental in the Sunset District) on the eve of my 14th birthday. (I have not seen or spoken to her since I was 20, when I reconnected with her and she “borrowed” all the money I had — and she disappeared. She told me that for work, she was “running” speed in Oakland. I gave her the money because she told me she needed it for her overdue phone bill. It was money I’d saved to buy books so I could take classes in community college.)
I relied on schoolmates (and their families) for food, shelter and connections to teen street culture for nearly a year, pretending to attend high school. After the freshman year was over, I went fully into homeless street culture, surviving among a group of homeless punk youths who taught me how to obtain food and shelter on the streets. I panhandled, engaged in petty theft, slept in abandoned cars, on rooftops and in parks, obtained food and clothing through “dumpster diving” and kept a journal. Avoiding street drug culture and sex work, I befriended the night shift at Kinko’s and slept on the rooftop when not working on self-published written ‘zines about street life, sex and politics. I was so excited when I was first published in “Filth” — a famous Upper Haight ‘zine.
I never did sex work. I never once did hard drugs, or really any soft ones for that matter. It was boring; I’d seen it at home. I already knew what it could all do to a person. I didn’t want to become my mother. Despite the influences of the streets to trust no one, I was befriended by a stranger while panhandling one night outside a bar who taught me how to work in a restaurant kitchen in exchange for food, giving me a marketable job skill. He said, “You need food, come by at 11am. Work for an hour and we’ll feed you.” I was a prep cook with a mowhawk for lunchtime noodles. At the same time, a gay male couple took in a number of street youths (including me) and allowed us kids to work for money and use the address of the cafe they owned, enabling me to secure identification so I could enter the work force. At age 17 I secured my second job at a coffee shop, and moved into a crumbling Victorian apartment for $142 a month.
18 was a whole new chapter.
Now you know.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Your strength continues to amaze me. Don’t feel emotionally bankrupt — you have become the light that guides others.
December 17th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Thank you for sharing always sharing always telling the truth and being one of the strongest voices out there. Always believe your amazing!
December 17th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Wow
All I can say is thanks for sharing.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Now that is the best piece this year. Thank you. It feels like you just released a huge amount of energy. Yes I know it’s sounds new age, but it’s true. It reminds me of my year and the hardships I have had. Hell, many of us had. We are all warriors here. And you Violet Blue REPRESENT.
If ever in Seattle, I know of the best cupcake place. They have candles and little monkeys to celebrate with your cupcakes. You deserve it.
Love
Niko
December 17th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
I’m glad you’ve made it this far, hon. Some of the things in your life remind me of someone I used to know.
Hopefully things only continue to improve for you and none of the threats of violence actually come to fruition.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Thank you for all that you do for us, and for yourself
December 17th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
You rule in so many ways. Really, we are all broken and bruised along this path and what makes you so special is not the things which were done to you but the things you have done with your own life to rise to this place where you are so important to so many people in so many ways. Don’t forget that, when the demons are circling (as they will, of course). You did this. You are making a difference, tonight and every night when the wind is blowing and the wolves are howling (as they will, of course).
December 17th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
In a world of spin and manufactured truth, it’s rare to find people who actually stand for something. I miss heroic figures who do what they do because it’s right - and can still laugh at their foibles and not take themselves too seriously.
Continue to be Brave - you’re an inspiration .
r in Vancouver
December 17th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Violet,
That’s just amazing. We’re all glad you’ve become successful and are a part of our lives. You have a great deal to be proud of.
This leads me to a question that I’ve struggled with for years. I’ve often found people with what I would consider a healthier version of sexuality (not afraid) have had negative childhoods or some sort of negative experiences in their past. (it’s not all people but many) This leads me to a question conservatives ask that I can’t quite answer: “how is it that this view of sexuality isn’t just a ‘negative’ symptom of previous negative experiences?”
What are your thoughts on this?
December 17th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
*HUG* <3 (Number of those from a random stranger online, at least one)
Feel better? the people in this life who give a damn love ya the way ya are.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Thank you for being so honest, it’s a beautiful wonderful rare HUMAN thing. I hope to one day meet you, Miss Blue. :)
xoxo
December 17th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I’ve been reading your blog for the past year and a half and have never commented on any of your posts.. It sounds silly but I thought you were just too “cool” for me to write to. But here I am.. reading this post and I felt the overwhelming urge to say Thank You. I’ve always wanted to know your story, how you got to where you are.
Thank you for doing what you do. For helping others. For breaking down barriers. For being apart of the changing face of Sex for my generation.
I’m 22 years old. I’m a lesbian. I’m a future sex educator/therpaist. I started reading your blog because I didn’t know where to start. I needed to know that there were other people as open minded about sex as I was… I needed a place to go when my advice to my friends wasn’t enough (i can always find answers on your site). I needed someone to encourage my path into a field that isn’t the “norm”. Hell, i even started a blog that is sort of my way of advising lesbian youth.
Thank you. Thank you for finding the strength to do what you do even when it’s hard.
- Jessie
December 17th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I admire your strength and resolve, as a child of an alcoholic I know some of the things we “avoid” but after living thourgh this and what you have survived I hate to be cliche` but the quote “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” You are a testament to that and make an old man proud!
December 17th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Awesome post! Keep the faith. :)
December 17th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Way to make lemonade with your lemon history. Sounds a bit more unusual than your ‘normal’ upbringing, and one that must haunt you from time to time, even though you’ve managed to leave it behind as well as you have. You don’t have my sympathy - sympathy’s insulting- but you have my empathy and respect, and you’re one of my favorite feeds. So keep on feeding us, Violet.
And for every jerk who hates or disses you, remember that there’s a hundred, a thousand, of us who would happily share your company.
D
December 17th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Please don’t kill yourself, ever. You’re an inspiration, a font of information, a source of motivation, someone who makes me quiver with anticipation. Keep it up in the new year.
December 17th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
For every idiot who harasses and threatens you, know that at least ten of us are applauding your courage. Keep fighting.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
We’re listening.
December 17th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Thank you
December 17th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
thank you for this. hell and back via the precipice before 18yo. if you can carry this on…. thanks.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:09 am
Somehow {{hugs}} just doesn’t seem adequate.
Thank you for sharing and thank you for being such an inspiration to others.
- Neil.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Thank you for sharing Violet. Not much else to say apart from You Kick Arse!
Keep it up Gorgeous! Heres to a 2009 that kicks as much arse as you do!!!
December 18th, 2008 at 12:54 am
I’ve enjoyed reading your words for years. Please don’t lose hope! You have more fans than you may think. :)
2008 sucked, but it’s almost done now. It was a hard year for a lot of people. You’re not alone.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Hang in there, Violet. Most of us love you.
December 18th, 2008 at 2:05 am
You’re amazing!
December 18th, 2008 at 3:15 am
Thank you.
December 18th, 2008 at 4:21 am
You’re work goes so much deeper than one can only glance at. You are truly an inspiration and I thank you for your impact on so many who reach out to you for help.
December 18th, 2008 at 4:59 am
I’m really glad I saw this:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088275/
after Milk.
If you haven’t seen it YOU MUST.
I cried a hell of a lot harder during Times than I did Milk.
December 18th, 2008 at 5:10 am
Thank you for showing that while your roots aren’t the greatest you can turn out to be a wonderful person.
Thank you for all your advice. Keep up the struggle. Though you may not win over every hard heart, know that you inspire many to try harder and resist the urge to give in.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:35 am
Be kind to yourself. You are loved.
December 18th, 2008 at 6:37 am
As I have said before Violet, You are truly an extraordinary woman. Your grace touches so many. Your beauty shines from deep within you. Your strength seems immeasurable. I hope only the best for you in the coming year and all the years that follow. As for the holidays, as with all things, in time they too shall pass. You should try to do as they say in the military “embrace the suck”.
All the best
Dwight
December 18th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Thank you, Violet. Your story is amazing. I hope that the hundreds (thousands) of appreciative, supportive and loving comments you got throughout the year helped to offset those evil fuckers who oh-so-bravely leave their anonymous comments.
Your blogs and columns are truly a haven for those of us who see the dark humor of living in a sex-obsessed and yet extremely prudish society. Keep doing what you’re doing, girl. We love you!
–Claire
December 18th, 2008 at 6:56 am
Violet,
Thank you so much for all the work you do, great information you share, and the daily inspiration, guidence, and joy you bring to so many of us. You are creating your own kind of life (and holidays) all the time. Make your life what you want it to be.
I hope you have a love-filled 2009!
December 18th, 2008 at 7:31 am
I have a profound respect for you and the way you conduct yourself.
December 18th, 2008 at 7:41 am
For all the shit that people try to throw at you, the rest of us are so amazingly proud of you
December 18th, 2008 at 7:43 am
Pretty much daily you continue to amaze, astound, amuse and delight me. You’re an inspiration and I hope I’ll one day get to meet you and tell you this in person.
Keep it up.
xx
December 18th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Ah… no wonder you feel so familiar to me. We both come from the streets. And single mom’s who tried and failed in one bazillion ways. I send you lots of love. Thanks for sharing this. ~ Ducky
December 18th, 2008 at 8:42 am
For all that you do, for us, and for yourself, thank you. The world is an awesome place with you in it.
December 18th, 2008 at 8:53 am
Eat shit and die…but only if you ever stop being yourself. When you accept your nomination into the Human Hall of Fame, know that it was I that nominated you. You are changing lives for the better.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:19 am
You are one strong person! I am so glad you are here for us to rely on for sexual info of interest (Fun stuff) and importance (sex ed - I’m a father of two girls) I need a lot of positive sexual help for them (and me).
@17 mythago - I am with you - All your fans have your back!!!
December 18th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Violet, you are indeed a rare individual. You would’ve been another statistic if you had not always been willing to choose the hard road because it was the right road for yourself. Not many people have that kind of courage or strength. I know that is often also a very lonely road. So many people would dip a toe into your reality and choose to run or submit when faced with your reality.
I’ve said it before, but it can never be said enough. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for choosing that hard road (although I know - a choice for the easy road is a choice for a death of another sort). As much affection I can have for someone who I only know through a modem, I have to say I admire and love you.
I know some days it would be easier if you had someone who could really shoulder some of the load, so you wouldn’t always have to be the brave one, the strong one. I wish that may happen someday for you, Violet. And soon.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Screw the haters. They never could have made it through what you have.
Also, @17 mythago - IAWTC
December 18th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Wow! And what a year it’s been. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but “The Autobiography of Violet Blue” would be one helluva great book. Happy New Year to you!
December 18th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I probably don’t need to say this, given how many people have said something like it already, but nonetheless: Violet, you remain an inspiration to all of us. Few people could put up with what you put up with on a daily basis, let alone achieve what you have achieved, while continuing to help the people who come to you asking for it. ‘Impressive’ doesn’t begin to cover it.
Whatever happens, no one can take away from you your accomplishments, nor the differences you have made to people’s lives. If anyone has the right to feel proud of themselves, you do.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
You are not alone, sunshine.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I don’t know you. Don’t plan on stalking you or sending you nasty threats. All I know is I enjoy the hell out your blog. Now, I don’t like everything; but I respect the fact that you don’t give a fuck about publishing shit to please everyone. So that’s cool. Happy New Year and Merry Christmas.
Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.
I will be expecting my second child in 2009 and have spent the last 5 or 6 months brushing up on my sex ed on your blog. I can’t wait to get it on again!
December 18th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
thank you so much — everyone. so many things here I really needed to hear. I wrote this in a public place with my laptop and was trying not to cry in public. it was hard to do this. it feels so good to share it with you, and have it reflected back with strength. your strength. thank you!
happy holidays, everyone. I may not have a plan or a constant home to go to, but I’ll certainly keep you all entertained through the season :)
December 18th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Fuck everyone who says you’re doing something wrong by writing and by educating people - you’re incredible.
Thank you for posting this, and for everything else.
December 18th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Dear Violet,
Like some of the others here, I am a long-time admirer, lurker and first-time commenter. I hope these comments have helped you see how you have had such a profound and positive impact on many people you may never see or speak to.
I first encountered you through one of your books, purchased when I was newly divorced, sad, and unsure of what my life was coming to. Your writing was part of what made made me feel like things would be okay again, and that’s a huge gift, or it was to me.
This is a tough season, for many people and many reasons. My wish for you is that 2009 will be full of many more reasons to celebrate and look forward.
All the best, always.
December 18th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Thank you.<3
December 18th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Wow. It got very quite in my head, and tears welled up. You’re truly amazing. i admire you very much and always enjoy reading. Recently was out in SF. My secret wish was that I’d “bump” into you on the street. You’re on the short list of people to meet, I don’t know what I’d say, but I’d want to listen, to know more about everything. Be well.
December 19th, 2008 at 3:33 am
dang. this is one of my favorite things you have ever written.
December 19th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Wow, that’s quite some life story.
I hope you’re proud of yourself, you really should be! :)
December 19th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Violet -
your information has always been helpful. And the Hotel recommendation was fantastic. Thank you so much for being here…
As far as ” a constant home to go to” - If you’re every in the Northeast,, our door is always open and the Kitchen never closes.
Happy Holidays!
December 19th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Thank you for sharing this. You probably get tired of being told that you are an inspiration, but you are!
December 19th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I told you to “get over it” in a post earlier this year about the BB stuff. I apologize.
December 20th, 2008 at 12:26 am
56 responses of support. and it’s true, your friends do get upset when you don’t reply to emails. that’s because we want to see you and it’s hard to make two sided plans with only one side and we refuse to stalk you (unless we tell you about it first and you agree)
xoxo
December 20th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Hi. I am so glad and sad you shared this story at the same time. You don’t really know me, but I often read your stuff because you really understand a lot of people. It really sucks that people want to be negative towards you. When I first discovered you through podcasting, I thought you were the greatest and doing an awesome public service by educating the masses about sex. Now, I still think that, but have even more respect. I am always cheering you on in the quiet corners of the internet with or without some kind of comment. Take care this weekend.
Rob
December 20th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Ms. Blue? Just keep on being awesome, like you are now. Thanks.
December 20th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
You’re ability to continue through your struggle to have a “normal” life is amazing and inspirational.
If more people were like you, the world would surely be a much better place.
In the words of Pink Floyd: “Shine on you crazy diamond”
Brightest of blessings to you
xx ~ Rachel
December 20th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
I know a lot of people have posted with similar sentiments, but I don’t think it can be reinforced enough…
You’re great. I love your work, and own some of your books (which are wonderful, by the way). The work you do is not only delightful and entertaining, but (in my not so humble opinion) important.
You sound tired and lonely. You do a lot of things to help and support other people, many (most) of them strangers, and sounds like maybe it’s largely a thankless task… or at least that the vitriol from the Land That Sense Forgot is beginning to overwhelm the thanks from the people who rely on you for help.
So this is my attempt to try to address the imbalance. I can’t stop the tide of Stupidity from rising on the Internet, but I can add one more heartfelt ‘thank you’ to the other side of the scale.
So:
Thank You. You make me happy.
December 20th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Wow, great post. Thanks for sharing that part of yourself with us! Good luck with 2009!
December 21st, 2008 at 8:23 pm
You are a wondeful person and you help untold numbers of people. Please keep writing your wonderful blog and know that people love and care about you.
December 21st, 2008 at 11:51 pm
I once read an article about woodworking and hand tools vs. power tools, and whether the pieces you produce with power tools are inherently less artistic. So, if the same piece could be made just the same by power tools only easier, faster, cheaper, did that make the power-tool-made pieces less like Art than manufacturing. The author’s conclusion was that Art involved some element of risk - meaning that the artist must use enhanced tools not to make easy what was hard before but to expand the horizons of artistic expression, towards uncharted territory.
Thanks for reminding us that sex is an amazing art form - and that it involves risk on so many levels - and that there are risks worth taking. I’m glad you keep taking the risks to tell us about it. It gives us all the courage to keep exploring - ourselves and others.
So, congratulations, you accomplished a lot in 2008! Now power-up, Sex Power Ranger Violet. I just heard from friends in the year 2009 and they need our help!
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:55 pm
You are amazing, strong and beautiful. Keep doing what you do. Some of us live for it and learn from it.
xoxo
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:05 pm
(your personal writing is your best writing. after reading this, i went back to read the ‘tropic of cancer’ post from ‘05. i really hope you write a memoir some day.)
December 26th, 2008 at 1:19 am
You’re such an inspiration, thank you so much for sharing. I hope you’re tremendously proud of yourself for all of the things you’ve accomplished.
Your ill wishers can eat shit and die. They must be very pathetic and unhappy to do what they do.
Love, Vivian
December 27th, 2008 at 8:53 am
When you share posts like these you routinely keep me near or in tears. The work you do moves me and makes me feel fervently determined. The world needs people like Violet Blue in it to keep us sane and paying attention. I must not know enough words in English for all my 20+ years of speaking it, because this comment doesn’t say nearly enough. But I believe in you. We all do. Keep on keepin’ on, baby.
December 29th, 2008 at 4:45 am
That was a beautiful, moving story. You are an incredible woman.
On a separate note, I am from New Jersey and am thinking of moving to San Fran after I complete my masters program to become a teacher. What do you think? Do you have any suggestions on sites/guides about living there I could read? The more I read about San Fran, the more excited and interested I am.
I found your story to be very human and unforgettable, particularly in how steadily you were able to rise from your circumstances. Thank you for it.
January 6th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Although I haven’t followed your blog for more than a couple days, this post compelled me to reply. I’ve been impressed so thoroughly by your taste and writing style that I’ve recommended your blog to numerous friends.
Out here in Kansas, your insights have a great deal of gravity, and I hope that you will always remember that there are many people who need to hear voices like yours.
While I certainly can’t imagine what your childhood must have felt like, the experience of ignorant masses becoming violently defensive of their narrow views is VERY familiar to me. Please always remember, their claws only come out when what you’re doing is working.