Stumbling across the three-part Asperger’s Syndrome Sex series on Carnal Nation presented information that stopped me in my tracks: suddenly so many tech, geek and nerd relationships I’ve seen go from geek love to tragedy made so much sense. It was like having a light turned on in a dark room where many of my friends’ geek romances had painfully imploded in darkness. And when I tweeted it last night, it hit a powerful nerve with many people. I typically am very careful about posting stuff like this because if you do see yourself, your relationship, your pain, or impressions of your lover in here, it can be an unexpectedly very intense experience.
Quick links include:
* Asperger’s Syndrome Sex
* Asperger’s Syndrome Sex Part 2
* Asperger’s Syndrome Sex Part 3 (#3 covers BDSM and kink)
* The Asperger’s Syndrome Autism-Spectrum Quotient (AQ) Test (wired.com)
Here is a snip from the opening article; there is a lot in this piece about sexual functioning and how partners can navigate, but these cherry-picked excerpts provide an idea about the syndrome(s) in tech:
(…) AS people have normal to high intelligence and you’ll find a lot of them in technology, science, academics, music, and acting. According to “The Geek Syndrome,” written by Steve Silberman and published in Wired in 2001, Silicon Valley has a larger than average cluster of childhood autism cases. It was found that many of the parents also showed traits of autism or Asperger’s Syndrome.
(…) From Computer Geek to Technosexual
We’re in an age where high technology drives our economy and permeates our pop culture. Once-scorned “computer geeks” and “nerds” have now acquired a little cultural glamour since they exemplify technological prowess. As a result we have a greater tolerance for the folks who live on chips in cubicles as long as they write good code for our newest gadgets. The new “technosexuals” are sometimes even sought after by “neurotypicals” (NTs).(…) This lack of flexibility and empathy, which is glaringly evident in NT socio-sexual expectations as they come into conflict with the behavior and expectations of the AS person, guarantees that the emotional, perceptual, conceptual and sexual/sensual chasms between the non-AS (NT) partner and the “Aspie” (the person with AS) will continue to be deeply painful. These chasms result in widely differing expectations of desirable or appropriate behavior within a dyadic relationship, often with emotionally devastating consequences for one or both partners. People in such relationships may struggle greatly as a result of mixed signals, unrealistic expectations, faulty communication, hurt feelings, and incompatible sexual desires and behaviors. (…read more, carnalnation.com)
“Must they be studied, treated, and medicated?”
No, because if they don’t want to be, no one will force them. But if their lack of understanding or ability to control their condition is distressing, then yes, the scientific community has an obligation to offer explanations and solutions. I’ve always heard it said that when diagnosing a mental disorder of any kind, a key criterion is whether the person perceives their condition as a problem, that is, whether it’s a barrier to functioning the way they would like to. Not the way other people want them to, necessarily, but it’s very important that if people with conditions like this are in pain because of them, that science try to help them. Just knowing there’s a name for your experience can be a huge relief for those experiencing it and their loved ones.
steve, this classification system we’ve developed is sort of a blunt instrument. we are in the very beginning stages of learning about ourselves and we are taking clumsy, slow steps… the result is an inaccurate, heavy-handed approach to the vast range of developmental possibilities. yes, it is frustrating and tiresome, but it also represents progress; many currently-happy Aspies, without the help of our shoddy system, would still be stuck in educational systems, jobs, relationships, and an entire society that are not suited to them, and might even make them miserable.
a lot of Aspies who find out about it later in life wish they’d been diagnosed earlier, because it would’ve helped them understand themselves and their relationships to the people around them. there are a lot of people, myself included, who do not view it as a “disorder” but rather as a developmental difference. i am short, my fiance is tall. i am NT, he is Aspie. if you fight off the categorization of different mental styles, ultimately what you’re saying is that we all have to be the same… and the ones who are “a little unusual”, instead of having a sense of community, belonging, and relating, are stuck alone again.
Must every person who is a little unusual be classified with some sort of mental disorder? Autism is a spectrum of behaviors ranging from Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal in Rain Man to people such as Alfred Kinsey and a former proofreader of mine who was incredibly good at her job. The latter are functional human beings. Must they be studied, treated, and medicated? Dr. Marsh appears to be angling for a grant.
Thank you for this. I’m an aspie, married to a completely different style of aspie, and we have two aspie kids. One of the bigger struggles in the world is sexuality and our views on it, compared to neurotypical people. I’m trans myself, kinky as can be, and always feel I have to do my best to hide that from my kids so they aren’t ‘corrupted’. This makes me think hard about whether I’m taking the right approach.
Not, in the end, that I think it matters. My son is oblivious to physical pleasure and my daughter is an utter sensationalist hedonist; I think in the end, I can only support and let them find their own path, though armed with more knowledge than, perhaps, the mainstream world would endorse.