I don’t need to explain my long, torrid, explicit affair with your brand, iTunes podcast stats, and products. I just feel like our relationship is — in trouble. No, it’s not about your boss, I know authority is out of control in anyone’s workplace. And it’s not that we don’t talk anymore, or that I’m not still hot for you. I am. I take you to bed every night, and I wake up with you in the morning. There’s not a hacker boy in my life who does not accept your place in my bedroom, and knows the things we’ve done together.
But — you’re just not satisfying me the way you used to. Granted, your hardware still makes me feverish and your OS… Mon dieu, your OS has been everything this girl has ever needed, wanted and got me through many intense nights (and those mornings when I wake up and need a little, you know). Just thinking of my time with your firmware is making my thighs clench at this very moment.
I hate to be the one to bring this up. I need more. We were non-monogamous at first because I had to work at a company that made me use an OS that really turned me off even to go near it. Ironically, it was a sex toy company. So I’d just practice “safer computing” around all the viruses, exploits and UI-erectile crashes, and think of baseball, or Margaret Thatcher naked in the rain until the day was over and I could get back to all the hot, creative, delicious workflow UI hijinks only you and I could do — really open up to each other and share ourselves. And when we went one-on-one, I took you everywhere, and you took me around the galaxy and back, baby.
I’m going to have to be blunt. I’ve never had it like it’s been with anyone but you. My god, the experimentation we’ve done… And I’m not the cheating kind. But I wish — and if I had the filthy lucre — I wish this was you. I don’t want you to be someone else; I just wish you’d be in that body. It’s almost like you’ve let yourself go, which happens in so many relationships. It’s just so frustrating that our user-interfacing is still so fucking hot.
There, I said it. I guess my needs have changed; I need to be able to get off (blog) out of an oversized purse from anywhere in the world, especially since I have to sex up ETech, SXSW and Google in the next six weeks — and baby, you’re just not keeping it up, if you know what I mean. I’m going to be one highly visible babe. And my physical versions of you are so dated. In public, it’s embarrassing. It’s not something in the water making me feel this way, and it’s definitely not something in the Air.
I guess it’s time to write that Craigslist ad for a stern yet tender Ubuntu sugar daddy; one with a firm hand. I could swing that way… I think. I still want to stay together, but I’m just not getting my needs met. Nor can I present anywhere with my dated iBook; people change, but ports don’t. I dunno, maybe we could work it out with a newer 15″ MacBook Pro, some high-end leather restraints, and *definitely* some short-term negotiation for threesomes with this Eee…
Image of Anna from nerdpr0n — hi Anna! Nice stack (of books)…
Update/Post Script: Check out Love Honey UK’s data and chart breakdown analysis, Mac v Windows: Who Spends The Most on Sex Toys? (via)
