Even since I discovered Student Doctor Net’s Emergency Medicine Forums, I’ve been hooked. They know they have lurkers like me, and I know I have a fetish for shows like ER and Green Wing (WAY better than ripoff Scrubs), so it’s all out on the table. And yes, I have an actual fetish for men *in* scrubs and emergency tech uniforms. But what I wanted to share with you is something not for the faint of heart or stomach, but proof that those urban legends aren’t just myths. Consider this post one in an infrequent series; it’s just too addictive not to read this stuff (and a great way to procrastinate my book deadline and the 800 emails in my inbox)… Pardon the deeplinks, but I think you’ll want to read the entire posts I’ve taken excerpts from:
“In the area of ‘interesting things found in the rectum’ I would like to add the half-dozen Barbie heads extracted from one pt. They were complete with their lovely synthetic locks. The pt. could give no real reason for this. I’m not sure there is one.”
“And then there was the older gentleman who presented with a stainless steel cock ring embedded at the base of his, well where they go. It had done its job very well and his erection was quite permanent. When all the medical personnel had run out of ideas, we summoned Rescue One and they arrived and set up their cutting tools. When they fired up the 10-inch carbide circular saw, the ring miraculously seemed to fall right off.” [link]
“I had a woman who was tweaking on meth and handcuffed to the gurney pull a crack pipe out of her vagina AND EAT IT! She chewed it up and got glass in her mouth and esophagus. I’d never seen anyone eat a crack pipe before and I did med school in Philly (city motto: Crack. It’s not just for breakfast.)” [link]
“Make sure to have your boyfriend re-insert the same 12″ dildo that was taken out of your ‘booty’ with twice as much force this time after it was in there for a few hours and was forcibly removed by the ED personnel 2 hours ago because surely the hole is now open enough that it won’t get stuck a second time…” [link]
“BASED ON A CASE TODAY…
don’t allow someone with a known poorly controlled seizure disorder to perform oral sex on you… enough said…” [link]
“the painless chancre of primary syphilis, the cauliflower-like growths of HPV, the blisters of herpes, and the urethral discharge of gonorrhea/chlamydia can, indeed, all exist on a single penis. the owner of the above penis presented with a chief complaint of “cuts on my dick”………..hmmm”
“When you finish your night at the pool hall, be sure to keep your pool stick in a case after you unscrew it and wear your seatbelt if you drive a large van – otherwise you might hit a pole, fly out of your seat, and end up with a pool stick up your ass. 8 ball – corner pocket…”
“The broad base on the 12 inch dildo is meant to be the place to stop…not additional stimulation as you jam that part in your rectum as well. If you do this, and you’re an active duty Marine, just go to the local Naval hopsital. If not, you’ll explain the whole story to a civilain Doc, who will label you “non-emergent” and package you off to the Naval hospital anyway. Be sure to bring your wife along to share the humiliation since it was her exuberance that got you there in the first place.” [link]
“If somehow a ping pong ball should make its way into your rectum and you cannot retieve it, do not mix yourself a cement enema–as this will only make your problems worse. (I did not see this in person, but saw the radiograph. the hardened cement block was removed under anesthesia.)” [link]
“An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.”
“If you’re taking pictures of seasonal plants in the desert (is a cactus seasonal?), don’t do crystal meth and fall down and embankment and impale your scrotum and penis on a cactus. It’s bad.” [link]
