Dworkin Who? (A Better Waste of Bandwidth)

Let’s talk about your sex blog. You love your sex blog. It’s your favorite pet, if a pet could walk upright and log into Movable Type and tell the whole world every sweaty, humpy detail about your sex life (and in our black little hearts we all know it’s a good thing they don’t have thumbs for this very reason).

About that sex blog. I’ve been house wenching at Fleshbot in a very specialized capacity lately, namely I’ve been doing the Sex Blog Roundup, a now-twice-weekly installment where I excerpt six of the tastiest, most recent posts on any given sex blog, every Monday and Thursday. (What did you think my new specialized capacity was, you naughty reader?) So I’m reading around 100 excellent, personal sex blogs (often more), twice a week. Until Uncle Bacchus comes home, anyway.

But wait — did you just look at my link list? You probably noticed a few things. One, that there are no sex news blogs, sex culture blogs or babelogs (porn pic blogs); this particular link collection is all personal sex blogs — no news or picture porn, though I do look at several of those sites every day. You’ll also notice a dearth of queer sites; for now I’ve been instructed to focus on mostly straight stuff, though I read a handful or queer blogs as a matter of staying informed, entertained, stalking friends, etc.

So maybe you’re asking, “Why isn’t my sex blog in your list?” I might not know about it (email me; I’m just ranting, I won’t bite). Your blog might be more about politics or culture and less about your personal sexual arena. Or, maybe you haven’t updated it since January. Perhaps you have a troubling relationship with spell check — no one has an excuse for bad spelling anymore, ever. Deal. Or, you could be mistakenly posting all of your entries with “caps lock” on — let me break it to you gently; ALL CAPS MEANS YOU’RE SHOUTING. See — that’s doesn’t feel nice, does it? You made me do it.

Maybe your blog is so painfully romance-novel fugly that few can bear to look upon it, let alone pass the link around like the cheap tart we all want it to be. Has it been redesigned since 1999? Time for a makeover, dearie. And do take a look at other sex blogs — everyone is using the same three Blogger templates these days, so unless you want to be confused with “cumsucker99: diary of a demure ding-dong escort,” see what isn’t being done and do that instead. Perhaps it’s clear that your “sex blog” is just a front for you to sell your affiliate’s products — really, nothing is tackier than a thinly veiled “sex toy review post” that links to your affiliate. Have a separate page for that business, and give us some sexy substance instead. It’s a blog, blogs don’t pay, and so many sex blogs wind up begging for money (and never get any) that it’s just tragic. I miss the good old days when washed-up actors would end up as skid row rummies instead of anti-aging infommercials and reality shows about being fat. Get it?

Okay, maybe blogging your romance novel and calling it a sex blog is tackier. Also, have you considered that the world might not need another BDSM submissive blog? I digress.

Why else would someone shy from your sex blog? Well, are you writing about sex? If you have a sex blog, do us all a favor and don’t write about doing the dishes, taking the kids to school, what you had for dinner, your computer problems — unless it’s sex-related. Get a life blog instead, not a sex blog, if you just want to tell us how depressed you are, or what you hate about your job — unless it’s sex-related.

Stumped for ideas? Describe your genitals. Invent a new position, even for masturbating. Tell us about a sex dream, or a fantasy, or your ideal porn movie. A photo, a memory. Write from the heart, via the groin, of course. I love doing Sex Blog Roundup; it’s like editing an anthology but so much more visceral and authentic, and I’m discovering loads of talented writers.

Just write anything about sex, please.

Lastly, do not have a cool sex blog if you can’t handle a bandwidth spike. Just do not be cool at all — be boring. Lame out and flame out. Do *not* have hot sex, whatever you do. Write about washing spinach, not how you tried the “helicopter fuck” and broke a lamp. Sites like Fleshbot are like high-pressure hoses for traffic; whatever they are aimed at gets a huge, huge spike, and nothing makes me more weepy than when a cool site goes down for exceeding bandwidth, or, worse, a blogger whines about getting a buttload of traffic because they posted something interesting. (Note: a buttload is different than a pantload.)

Because blogging, above all, is about wasting bandwidth.

Revel in it.

And don’t tease me; please, please talk dirty to me.

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