Fly the Big, Squishy Skies

The restaurant chain Hooters — what a throwback to the dinosaur era! This sports bar/celebration of artery-clogging bar food has made its name for over 20 years by providing a respite from the world for the guy who wants his beer, boobs and touchdowns all in one spot. Men who can only be with men. Actually, while Hooters has been an employer for a few of my gal pals who don’t mind making a little more money but don’t want to be strippers, I kind of like the concept.

Not for the sexist stereotypes — and those stereotypes include the male patrons. But because I like beautiful women too, and would love to spend an evening in a bar being served by a cute girl with nice boobies, and it’s okay for me to stare openly at the boobies. Except I wouldn’t want to hang out in a Hooters. I’m sure the patrons would be really crass, and the worst part would be that the waitresses probably wouldn’t be into flirting with other girls. I still think it’s a pretty funny cliché, though, even better that it’s a living piece of retro-sexist Americana. Besides, the role-reversed version would probably be lame.

Which is why I’m having fantasies about the new Hooters airline (beware, their graphics take about 100 years to load).

You read it right — Hooters has bought an ailing (one of many, I’m sure) airline on the East Coast, and has created their own flight service. The imagination runs wild, no? Packs of top-heavy stewardesses in little uniforms, unable to fit two to an aisle (or one to a restroom). Beverage service that includes inadvertent smacks upside the head by a mammoth bobbling breast as the window-seated passenger gets his scotch. Weight limit requirements for each boob. Equal numbers of flight attendants in front and rear of plane required for balanced takeoff. The snacks are Gummy Boobs. The drinks are Slippery Nipples. The drop-down oxygen masks are nestled in huge plastic D-cups. Flotation vests are two enormous inflatable pink breasts (what if only one inflates? Oh no!).

Okay, maybe it’s not that fun. In truth, Hooters’ lone plane has been re-styled to reflect the restaurant’s beach theme atmosphere, and only two Hooters girls will be on each flight — in skimpy Hooters restaurant uniforms, "just to be friendly." Sadly, there are only a few flights selected with male golfers in mind, to and from Atlanta/Myrtle Beach. It looks as though the chances of contact with actual boobage — real or gummy — are nil. It’s more like the old days, when airline hostesses were dressed to thrill male passengers, as depicted in the unintentionally sexy book, Airline. I guess I’ll have to nurture my sexy 1960’s flight attendant fantasies on my own time.

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