*** hot sex ed ***

:: erotica :: howto's

:: safer sex guide

:: suck :: lick :: rim

:: g-spot info

:: unsafe sex toys

:: sex ed podcast

:: my sex ed books

:: find good porn

:: safe porn surfing

:: info for couples

:: info for parents

* * * * * * *

:: this week's Chronicle column

* * * * * * *

I am gleefully sponsored by Helio

* * * * * * *

* * * * * * *

blog archives

* * * * * * *

RSS: really simple stalking

this blog * open source sex * my videos * my Fleshbot * my SF Chronicle * my Metblogs * Fotki * Flickr * techyum * bloggers undressed

* * * * * * *

presents for me, if you like what you see (I haz wish lists):

Agent Provocateur

Stockroom

* * * * * * *

I write way too much

NEW: best women's erotica 2008

the smart girl's guide to the g-spot

the smart girl's guide to porn

the adventurous couple's guide to strap-on sex

lust: erotic fantasies for women

fetish sex: an erotic guide for couples

the ultimate guide to cunnilingus

the ultimate guide to fellatio

sweet life: erotic fantasies for couples

Fetish Sex

Besides publications from fetish communities, little has been written about fetishes without sensationalizing them as bizarre, strange and deviant practices held only by a handful of people. This is despite the numerous conventions, well-attended events, magazines and newsgroups with hundreds of thousands of subscribers, and fetish fashion boutiques all over the world. In many people's minds, people with fetishes occupy the freakish end of the gene pool when it comes to sex, and politely consider fetishes a place where people with far-out sexual tastes can get their needs satisfied.

The truth is, when you look at cultural stereotypes of what constitutes "normal" sex, pretty much anything you do outside of married heterosexual missionary intercourse can be considered "deviant." In reality, everyone has a fetish of one kind or another -- a position, eye or hair color, or body part. When you think about fetishes in this light, it seems as though sexual fetishes are standard-issue, doled out to everyone with genitalia and a brain.

And they are -- but I'll admit that sometimes it's fun to explore the more otherworldly sexual obsessions of people who seek out sexual experiences that I consider strange or puzzling, such as human ponies, balloon popping and bug crushing. Nowhere in the world of sexual expression do humans become more playful, and their tastes unpredictable, than in the world of sex classified as "fetish."

When someone has a sexual fetish, it means that for them an object, manner of dress or specific scenario takes on a magical quality, has deeper meaning, and becomes part of their favorite sexual experiences -- or are sometimes absolutely required for satisfying sexual release. The item or predicament is that person's most reliable sex toy, and as we all know when it comes to coming, when you find something that works, you mine it for all it's worth. Sometimes there is a rational explanation as to why a particular person is attracted to a certain pair of shoes, wearing restrictive and beautiful corsets, watching women smoke in the nude, or pop balloons during sex -- though more often, there is no explanation for the magnetic pull of a fetish. We have many culturally accepted explanations as to why big boobs and huge cocks are fashionable, or even everyday, sexual fetishes, but people with fetishes outside the norm get stigmatized. This is tough to cope with when you (or your lover) have a fetish.

Fetishes do not discriminate based on gender, race or class. The fetishes themselves do not choose to be good or bad, to be owned by men or women. There are female fetishists who eroticize the same objects in the same manner as do men, though we tend to see more of the male perspective on the web and in magazines because culturally men are considered the primary consumers of pornography, and thus, sexuality. So gender isn't a reliable explanation. But no one gets hit on the head, like in the movies, and wakes up with a fetish. Clinical explanations about fetishes evolving from childhood experiences and Freudian experiences with parental nudity all reek with the same contrived stink as theories about homosexuality from the 1950s.

Sometimes there is no rational explanation for having a particular fetish -- though fetishists themselves are generally a very articulate group, and if you asked an individual in a Yahoo! Group or chat room, I'll bet you'd get an interesting earful.

Apart from amputee, giantess and other fetishes, fashion and rubber fetishists are a breed apart. Fetish fashion, and its refined connoisseurs, makes a couture designer's obsessions seem trite. Leather, shiny rubber, PVC, plastics, liquid latex, corsets, stilettos and fantastically high heels, stockings and more all occupy this highly sexualized realm of style. Fetish fashion is a huge worldwide industry, especially in North America and Europe, and the sexuality inherent in "fetish" blends seamlessly with S/M practices and Gothic style -- and it's a common to see fetish events that are also S/M play parties. For the moneyed rubberist, corset-wearer or hard-core human animal fetishist (such as pony or dog), the fashion has become a fetish unto itself. The women at San Francisco's renowned corset house Dark Garden have told me tales of fetishists who have custom-made rubber suits for every imaginable occasion, including a rubber undertaker's suit. Fetish balls and conventions are typically high-fashion events with strict dress codes that embrace a wide variety of fetishes -- as long as they dress to the nines.

In general, people with fetishes are articulate, well-read, computer savvy, have theories about their fetishes, and possess a very distinct sense of self control about the way they conduct their sex lives. Many feel they cannot share their fetish with their loved ones, and discreetly set aside a time and place in their lives where they can find fulfilling release with their fetish, away from risk of offending people they care about. Most fetishists who visit professional fantasy-makers, such as dominatrixes, have a healthy understanding of negotiation and boundaries (though S/M is only part of certain fetishes, not all, and professional BDSM does not include sex). While many fetishists have healthy, happy sex lives with their lovers in the style of sex that their lovers prefer, many must partition off their sexual fetishes from their relationships. It can feel isolating to the fetishist, but not worth the risk of offending or losing a loved one.

We already live in a culture that sees masturbation -- a healthy, normal sexual practice -- as shameful and degrading, so it's no surprise that people with fetishes are afraid to share them with their lovers. Single fetishists can network over the Internet, finding others who share their tastes (though it is quite hit-and-miss). Like a night out at a single's bar, dating can be a routine of disappointment, and they are compelled to gamble, dating people they are attracted to but may accept, reject, embrace or run screaming should they discover their lover's fetish. Opening up in a relationship and telling someone you don’t want to lose about your innermost sexual workings is so frightening, many don’t risk it. To tell someone about a fetish is to risk shame, loss, rejection and heartbreak.

Fetishes, by and large, are usually harmless -- unless they become a secret that makes you feel isolated in a relationship. Fetishes seem to come from the id's sexually frivolous side, and because they seldom have explanation (fetishes are not chosen), they also cannot be "cured," or made to just "go away." In relationships, fetishes can cause problems when the fetishist feels bad about keeping a secret, when the fetish interferes with other parts of the fetishist's life, and when the fetishist's partner finds the fetish disturbing, distasteful -- or worse, sees the fetish as competition. Some people with fetishes can't come unless their fetish is involved somehow, and that can make a lover feel inadequate.

If you or your lover has a fetish and is having a difficult time understanding how it can work into your shared sex lives, try to talk about it. If it's your fetish, be sure to let your lover know that your fetish is the only surprise you've got up your sleeve -- and be careful to pay equal attention to your lover as you do your fetish when you have shared encounters. Reassure him or her that you are more aroused by them than your fetish, because that will be one of the number one concerns on their mind.

Finding out your partner has a fetish might seem upsetting at first. If this is you, it's easy to wonder if your lover has been keeping sexual secrets all along. But remember that at this point, your lover is entrusting you with one of their scariest -- and most sexually exciting -- secrets. Understand that his or her arousal by a certain object or circumstance is in no way a substitute for you, and in fact, your lover feels that the addition of you to the fetish dynamic will make them feel sexually complete -- and just might make for some very hot sex that you both can enjoy. Don't see the fetish as a rival, or something you have to compete with for their love and affection; instead deviously use it as a tool to make their sexual experiences with you the most pivotal they've ever had. A fetish shared by two, after all, is a very specialized sex toy, one you cannot buy at the local sex boutique.

Learn even more about fetishes and having fun fetish sex in my book, The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy. Here is a quote from my publisher:

"With wit and enthusiasm, sex educator Violet Blue encourages couples to talk about and explore fantasies together to deepen erotic intimacy. She takes readers on a tour of the wide world of sexual fantasies, offering expert advice for talking dirty to a partner, playing with toys, role-play, making homemade porn, and exploring fetishes, sex scenes, phone sex, sex games, public sex, sex parties, orgies, sex with strangers, S/M and much more. Packed with tons of games, resources, and lots of fun, The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy is the perfect book for daring readers who want to safely turn their sexual fantasies into reality. "