November 2007

A smattering of free galleries; I’m super picky and these are good — not out of control, hand in your pants amazing, but quite good. Olga D is in the kitchen — my god, I hope she eats something! Fabi bought her stripperwear at Walgreens by my house, I know it, because all they have for sale right now is Santa hats. Vicky has a nice puffy outer labia and pretty eyes, but I won’t let Alex look at her gallery because — fur coat, faux pas! Jenny (pictured) is blonde, typically not my flavor, but I think she’s sexy and strangely compelling… And Jana’s nylons are all ripped up, I really hope she has another pair to wear home because nail polish isn’t going to save her this time. Enjoy for free! Don’t shop! Although if you did decide to shop, Hegre is having a ‘two months for the price of one’ offer that I’d be remiss not to tell you about. I selected a nice foreign-language banner for you after the jump, just because it looks better not in English. And it’s stashed in the extended post field because it’s all festooned annoyingly holiday-like, and I’m just not ready for that yet. Ugh.

[SATISFY your CURIOSITY and CONTINUE READING…]

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I’ve been quoted in Esquire pretty steadily since 2003. Sometimes twice in a year. I’m nice, give them solid soundbyte-ready sex ed tips, and though I’m not always easy to get a hold of, I make sure I get them something by their deadline. And they always, always use what I give them. The people I talk to there are unfailingly nice, smart and fun to talk to. Sometimes I’ll chat with them for a while about whatever sex ed topic we’re on, and we digress into other sex ed topics. I’ve always had a great experience with Esquire, they’ve always treated me respectfully on the phone and in print, and I’ve really considered it an honor to be a regular, reliable sex expert for them.

I’m in Esquire again this December. Normally I get dorky and blog it excitedly. Imagine how disappointed I was when I saw how I was quoted this time.

In their sex column for December in print and web versions, Stacey Grenrock Woods answers the question, “I’m a woman, and I think I might taste bad. Could it be something I’m eating?” In her response, she writes,

(…) And some experts (the ones who would talk to us) don’t rule out that your diet could indeed be influencing what the bloggers keep referring to as your “congealed salmon and battery acid” flavor. (But don’t let them bother you. Take it from me: They’re just jealous!) Garlic and onions spring to mind. Curry is far from innocent. Antihistamines, too. Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus author Violet Blue (who was kind enough to speak to me now that Blue Indigo Violet is no longer accepting my calls) posits that one can sweeten one’s taste by drinking “a smoothie that contains cucumber, mango, and pineapple juice once a day for three or four days,” and hopefully by that time, anyone who was considering oral sex with you will have moved on. (…)

The first thing I thought, after thinking “fuck you” for making fun of my name (which is SO original), was — I never talked to Ms. Woods. I had a nice chat with a guy (in October). Second, the information leading up to my quote (about garlic, curry, antihistamines, from “experts”) came from me. Next, I would never, ever be so rude to the reader, which I worry was implied by Woods’ hideously sexually shameful “salmon” and “battery acid” comments, along with the insult tacked on after my quote. Which I really really hope doesn’t make readers think I said that, or implied that. What an asshole thing to say; it’s so far and away from my approach. Sex should be funny and fun and smart — not make you feel bad for simply asking about it.

Then the last thing I thought was, fuck you for making fun of my name. That never happens every week by some troll in some comments, somewhere. Who is probably, actually in 9th grade. Next time Esquire calls, I’ll pass. I’m not, and never have been desperate to be in Esquire (or anywhere in media, to be honest). They’ll find some other sex educator standing right behind me with a degree and background in marketing who’ll be desperate enough to talk to them. Some people eat worms just to be on TV. That’s not me. Especially when you fuck with the way I present sex; have fun, but act your age. “Feed the poor, starve the rich” is one of my principles, meaning with sex, make fun of people who deserve it (as in hypocrites like Bill O’Reilly) and don’t shame readers for asking about sex. Esquire treated me so disrespectfully this time, it shows just how dated the attitudes (and systems) in print media have become.

Get real answers to the question of taste, flavors and changing them in my article Taste of a Woman, or listen to my open source sex podcast #33 (from my SFSI lecture) on oral sex and flavoring issues for all genders.

Now I have to get ready to go to a “sex themed” party. Should be fun! (If you’re wondering why I’m not at the Winnies tonight, I *should* be , as I was to present an award — but it’s my last weekend of lectures at SFSI and I chose the duty and love of work over play in LA this weekend…)

Update: Tony Comstock has a particularly eloquent post about Ms. Woods and what lots of us “sex experts” go through when dealing with magazines such as Esquire. My favorite bit: “I can only guess at what sort of personal baggage Stacy brings to her writing about sex, but I know all about the cultural baggage. It’s Tyra Banks making a cheap, undermining joke about faking orgasms; it’s ASHLEY AND KISHA getting banned, while DESTRICTED plays across town; it’s Stacy’s foul quip about congealed salmon and batteries acid. (Attributed to the blogging community, but Google comes up empty. Maybe that’s a peek into Stacy’s personal baggage after all.)”.

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Just for fun, last night after I recorded my new audiobook How to Kiss I set aside this chapter to share in my open source sex podcast. It’s chapter 4, where I detail all the different types of kisses: the good, the bad, and the *scary*. Hey, I know we’ve all been victims of a ‘fish tank kiss’ or a ‘Zoolander kiss’… Be prepared: in some places, I giggle uncontrollably — it was that kind of reading (the fun kind). Even if you just nibble this free sample chapter I think you’ll love it and get some fun ideas. Enjoy!

* open source sex 61 (post, libsyn.com)
* Direct MP3 download link: open source sex 61: how to kiss

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I pulled a late night last night and recorded an entire book: the audio version of my book, How to Kiss! It was intense but really fun — what a sex nerd gets up to when she’s home alone on a work binge, I tell ya… Congratulations, me! It’s almost exactly the same as what’s in the How to Kiss ebook (yet the same DRM-free goodness), except it’s me cracking up, being silly and I opted for higher quality audio files than usual. It sounds really good. Still, let me know what you think…

You can see the product page here; you can order it for $7 through PayPal here (all 9 MP3 chapters in a downloadable .zip), and you can read details about what’s in it after the jump. Finding someone to smooch is another matter entirely…

[SATISFY your CURIOSITY and CONTINUE READING…]

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My nose became a coffee-shooter when I saw this morning’s comments on my SF Gate / Chronicle column about sex toys (note: Sullivan’s Funeral Home is right by my house). Never has my column brought me so much joy! Here’s a snip:

shotzyreborn wrote:

Well I am too vanilla and too unimaginative to be bothered with accessories for myself but if they enhance others sex lives – wonderful! More good sex more happy people. I myself don’t have sex for enjoyment. I only do it for the free drinks. I mean you don’t have to be a religious zealot or a republican to be a prude. You should have seen me on my wedding night! “Freddie was furious when he’d found out I’d taken tranquilizers.”

booboobear wrote:

Well it’s not that you took A tranquilizer. It was that you took a whole bottle of tranquilizers. Of course, Freddie was a big boy, so tranquilizers were completely reasonable, but I digress. Or do I?

shotzyreborn wrote:

The best relationship I ever had was with a necropheliac mortician. I’m serious. It was great for him and I didn’t have to worry about drinking too much. Plus he’d tighten up my face for me.

booboobear wrote:

Oh is that the one who still fixes your hair over at Sullivan’s Funeral Home?

(…)

shotzyreborn wrote:

don’t you remember the melanie griffith commercials? Don’t lie about your age, DEFY IT. Makeup can get into fine lines and cake up and make a person look like a AAA road map. Do what I do. Use egg whites. It dries and pulls your face into a mask. Plus it smells horrid so people stand farther away from you so they don’t get a really good look. Also I can’t talk when its on which seems to make people happy.

smilie wrote:

milkie here. I am sorry to say however that I am having a hard time getting into these boards these days. No matter how outrageous or tragic the stories are (Oakland murders etc) I’m pretty burnt out. I thought I could rekindle my energy by changing my persona, but so far smilie doesn’t have it. I’ll give it some time. I can’t believe they actually axed you shotzy, what did you do? If anyone was going to get cut down, I thought for sure it would be booboo :). Mine was voluntary but I am thinking now it might have been a mistake. I miss milkie.

shotzyreborn wrote:

We miss you too uncle milkie. I don’t always agree with you but you’re a nice person and can be very funny. Especially on the topic of prison rape, which you are an expert. I am not quite sure why I got axed but the people I argued with the most got it right before me.

smilie wrote:

I don’t always agree with me either, shotzy. It is strange what comes out of my fingers sometimes. I am for the most part fed up with how things are going – it seems that the same old problems never go away. Sigh . . . maybe I’m getting old.

shotzyreborn wrote:

No I agree with you. Kids having kids and kids killing kids. It is depressing. Now I’ve learned that I have to give up chili for the environment. I’ve already given up Aquanet. I’m a mess.

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