Does any mention of Fifty Shades make you want to pound finish nails into your gums? Okay, maybe it’s just me. But photographer and avid Goodreads reviewer Katrina Lumsden has taken 50 without lube for the entire team by writing what should be considered the only 50 Shades review anyone needs, ever.
In fact, her review does the neat trick of making it entirely unnecessary to read any of EL James’ books.
(…) I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a passing, pleasant soreness? Riiiight. How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.
Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene?
Lumsden is a hero and a martyr. But I think what made me want to finally trepan myself was seeing that when Lumsden did a word count on certain words and phrases, the term “inner goddess” was used in Fifty Shades 58 times. It’s used in place of pussy, cunt, vagina, etc. Inner. Fucking. Goddess. For fuck’s sake. If mine is gonna be a deity, I’ll take Shiva Destroyer Of Worlds, thankyouverymuch.
^My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don’t shut the fuck up^
Now go read them all, so you don’t have to actually read any of them:
- Katrina Lumsden’s Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey
- Katrina Lumsden’s Reviews > Fifty Shades Darker
- Katrina Lumsden’s Reviews > Fifty Shades Freed
This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate. It’s a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn’t even show her the faintest glimmer of respect. It’s about two attention-starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is ‘like, the best thing ever, OMG’. It’s trite, insulting, and dangerous.