The very brilliant sex toy survivalist nerds over at Lovehoney UK have pulled out some serious MacGuyver moves just in time for Halloween and the coming zombie apocalypse. They’ve put together the very clever and well-done post, How to Defeat Zombies Using Sex Toys. Just as I did many times during my years working at the Dildo Hut, they’ve taken a look around the sex toy shop and made an emergency plan to deal with a large-scale zombie outbreak with only the nearest available items at hand.
Lovehoney is determined to survive. They’ve shot four fun comic-book style how-to videos that illustrate four separate techniques to distract and defeat zombies with a variety of sex toys that incude bondage gear, blow-up dolls, body part male masturbation toys, ball gags, electro-stim toys, lube and more. I could probably come up with a whole ‘nother suite of tips on top based on my own (deeply strange) Mythbusters-style* experiments with sex toys from times when business was slow at the sex toy shop – few customers and no managers made for interesting experiments during downtime. I think most veteran sex toy retail slaves would survive Z-Day. We’re not phased by body parts laying around and are trained to do quite a bit with very little, you know?
For instance, in the third video they use silicone lubricant to make the zombies slip and fall (much like the blood scene in one of my favorite zombie spoof films of all time, Dead and Breakfast). But few people know that silicone lubricant is extremely flammable – and could be used to ignite the struggling, lube-covered zombies from a distance. Poof!
Great job, Lovehoney! Thank you for making the world a sexier place for the living, and the post-human :)
*I have always wanted to do this as a show.