Real Masturbation Nightmares


These are hilarious and horrifying, and some may even feel strangely familiar. Jezebel asked readers what their worst masturbation nightmare stories were, and people responded with true tales that are impossible to stop reading once you’ve started. Most of The 10 Worst Masturbation Stories We’ve Ever Heard are from women: woe is the Ken doll. Although, one of them (#5) is really troubling… Snip:

10. Ken
This is mortifying. I still shiver and block it out when the memory arises: I tended to use whatever was available at the age of 16; in my case, my little sister’s ken doll was just the right size. Being widely uneducated about how it all worked down there at that point, I would just sit on it and rock. Well, we all know how easily those ken heads popped off…. yep. Into the the vajayjay. The problem was, I could not get it out myself. I flipped completely out, thoughts of it going up into my uterus and damaging my internal organs (again, not properly educated!) flying through my panic-induced brain.

What did I do? I told my mother. Took a deep breath, then blurted, “I was masturbating with a ken doll and the head came off inside me!”

The look on her face was a mixture of anger, disappointment and embarrassment. But she took me upstairs, and attempted to get it out. I was crying, mortified to the core.

It got worse. She couldn’t get it out. So she: got. my. FATHER. (…read more,

Image by Samantha Gallagher.

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  1. Okay, they’re all kinda cute, in that “Aww… you’re psyche’s gonna be scarred!” sorta way… except for number five. I’ve never had kids, and never even taken a child psychology class in school, but that seems rather… unusual… for someone that age. Given how few adults initially enjoy anal sex, and how children that age are supposed to be entirely pleasure/ pain driven, it seems unlikely she’s just take to doing that because it seems like fun. I want to comfort myself by thinking maybe she got into some of mommy’s porn, and is just replicating what she saw; but can a five-year old operate a DVD player? Especially with no one noticing?

    I dunno… that story worries me. Feel like maybe some more questions need to be asked.

  2. I guess on the classic party nights (new years eve, etc) this is actually a relatively common condition seen at the hospital. A surgeon friend of mine told me marker caps are very very common, and then with the back door, anything that doesn’t have a solid base can get lost.

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