Are you like me and really starting to feel the hypocritical sting around the label “sex addiction” and not sure what to take seriously anymore? In An Epidemic of Sex Addiction? Dr. Marty Klein relates recent experiences talking to patients (and potential clients) about their dubiously, casually diagnosed “sex addiction.” I wish everyone reporting on sex addiction would read and incorporate this balanced and informative piece, and incorporate it into their POV when reporting on so-called sex addicts. In it, Klein also tells his patients useful things to say to their partners when they’ve been accused of being sex addicts. Check it out:
(…) I saw a guy last fall in an even more extreme situation. His wife had caught him seeing out-of-town prostitutes. Not only did she decide he was a sex addict (and porn addict), she demanded he begin treatment at an in-patient facility. He asked what I thought of that.
“Is your wife a psychologist or an addictionologist?”
“No.”
“Well, I don’t find ‘sex addiction’ a clinically meaningful or useful term,” I said. “But if I did—if I were a professional who claims to be a serious sex addiction specialist—I would probably say you had some symptoms of this disorder. I would then give you some tests, interview you, and evaluate you. Then I’d prescribe a treatment program, which might include attending 12-step meetings, reading books, being in a group, or even going into a hospital.”
“But since your wife isn’t a psychologist or an addiction specialist,” I continued, “I wonder why she feels qualified to not only diagnose you, but to prescribe an extremely complex treatment program.”
He hadn’t looked at it that way. He asked what I would suggest.
I don’t treat sex addiction. The concept is superficial. It isn’t clearly defined or clinically validated, and it’s completely pathology-oriented. It presents no healthy model of non-monogamy, pornography use, or stuff like S/M. Some programs eliminate masturbation, which is inhumane, naïve, and crazy.
Oh, I observe people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and a few other exotic states. That accounts for some of what laypeople call “sex addiction.”
What I mostly see instead of “sex addicts” is people who are neurotic or narcissistic. They can’t quite believe that the normal rules of life (“tell the truth,” “all behavior has consequences”) apply to them. They make promises they intend to keep—but then they want relief from frustration, or loneliness, or anxiety so much, they are unwilling to keep their promises, even promises to themselves. And some “sex addicts” just can’t come to terms with having one, relatively brief, life. They want several lives, so they can have everything.
(…read more, carnalnation.com)
I’ve recently had a disturbing experience with a friend who had a series of experiences which triggered full-blown sex addiction. It’s a nasty and insidious illness which (apparently) can cause a victim’s life to spiral out of control in the same way as a serious substance addiction. In same ways it’s even worse than a substance addiction because it makes every relationship dysfunctional, making it quite impossible for anyone else to provide help.
Lost, alone, and rapidly losing their self esteem, victims begin to indulge in self harm and eventually deliberately place themselves in dangerous situations, the sexual equivalent of the crack den, where they all too often encounter people happy to harm them with fatal consequences.
Fortunately my friend has the strength of mind to pull back from the brink, although it is going to be a very long, difficult, and lonely struggle for her to lead anything like a normal life.
In comparison, most of us who are accused of being sex addicts are guilty of nothing more than a hyperactive libido.
But for having to helplessly watch my friend’s experience I would have written off sex addiction as some sort of fad. The reality is very different.
While I’m sure there are people who are so focused on having sex that it interferes with the rest of their lives and the lives of their families, which is a problem, it seems like whenever people talk about sex addiction, it seems to mostly be celebrities who are caught with their pants down who want to appear like the victims so that mid-west soccer moms will like them again.
When did sex-addiction therapy become the new driving school? Do you get “points” off your alimony by attending therapy?
Do I need cynic therapy?