Absolutely the worst article about sex ever written – tag: Unintentional hilarity

Image by friend, Richard Kadrey/Kaos Beauty Klinik.

A day ago, on my overly customized Google News page I caught a headline that read, “Therapists Say Kinky Sex On The Rise” from ABC News. Naturally, pre-click, I was already laughing at the double-entendre and eagerly awaiting to see how, given the indication in the title, how cautionary — or hilariously ignorant — ABC would handle kinky sex, not to mention wondering what they think ‘kinky sex’ might be. Teased by the subhead snip about women having sex with electric squid for kicks (not joking!), I clicked through and the article was a 404. This is my morning coffee entertainment, my friends. This is how I get ready for the day. This was a letdown.

I screencapped it and posted it to my Flickr; today someone replied to my image post with the link. And wow — if there is a Razzies award ceremony for bad movies that take themselves seriously but actually embarrass everyone involved, there should certainly be an equivalent at this point in our sex-enlightened Internet history for articles so far off the mark with their misspellings, assumptions and broad hysterical statements about sex. I nominate ABC’s “Therapists Say Kinky Sex On The Rise.” Shall we call the award a “Dingleberry”?

Laughter through tears, gentle readers. In the amazingly outrageous mainstream media piece about “kinky sex” in 2009 we learn — and here’s where you’re going to think I’m joking, spoiler alert:

* In Japan women have sex with electrified squid for kicks. Bzzt. That is so 2004.
* BDSM fantasy play is not fantasy: a dominatrix who created a “barbecue” scene actually roasted a client over a spit of hot coals. This scenario never clarified or explained, and it is repeated throughout the article along with cannibalism warnings, so it kinda sounds like murder.
* A fetish (paraphilia) is defined as a “socially unacceptable sexual practice.” Um, like America’s paraphilia for big breasts and penises?
* Kinky sex is a new revolution and it’s because of the Internet. Said a guy who made a film about sex in 2001.
* “Weird, sick and kinky” are the opposite of “normal.”
* There is a new word, “sex-perts”. Anyone know what a “pert” is?
* This is all the Internet’s fault.
* “Couples should have special words, should they become uncomfortable (…)” Anyone have a term we can invent for this? Clearly one is needed.
* Swinging leads to cannibalism. (See below excerpt.)
* One (or any) example of sexual interest means it’s a widespread (or real) practice. This is all the Internet’s fault.
* Therapists know that fetishes come from childhood fears.
* Once you step over the boundaries of “normal sex”, you will never come back. Just how like people who love hot sauce will never be satisfied until they set their tongues on fire with gasoline.

Read it and weep, a snip (ahem) from page 3:

Dangers of ‘Swinging’
As for swinging, there’s always the danger that one partner will fall in love someone other than their mate in a menage a trios.

She also warns, “Be careful, very careful if have a fantasy and you’re putting it in to reality. It often disappoints.”

“It has to be safe, sane and consensual,” she said.

And, according to Quilliam, it’s a slippery slope when it comes to what is consensual, especially in one of the fastest growing paraphilias on the Internet — cannibalism.

“You slice off a piece of somebody and together you fry it and cook it and eat it,” she said. “There’s a Web site for almost anything.”

In 2003, a computer technician advertised on the Internet for a well-built male prepared to be slaughtered and then consumed. His willing victim agreed to have his penis cut off, which was flambéed and served up to eat together before the victim died, according to the BBC. The courts debated whether the act constituted murder, because the victim had solicited the act. (…don’t stop enjoying the misinformation and sexual hysteria, read more, abcnews.go.com)

Nice work, ABC. Keep up the accurate, relevant, quality journalism. Just keep telling yourself this is all the Internet’s fault.

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  • I’m late to the party, Violet, and this is so out of date… but that article is still there. So sad.

  • I like flesh

    Sounds like someone discovered some Dolcett artwork on the web and decided it was real. I’ve been a fan of his artwork since it was first pirated on Usenet and I have yet to hang or cook my spouse or anyone else nor do I have any desire to do so. But the images get me hot.

  • Agile Cybrog

    Fucking nematodes.

    Journalists in the broad press who have the quackish temerity to report on human sexuality are, more often than not, slithery dysfunctionals who relate to nothing but the grimy gray wall of conformity, predictability and implied structure.

    Most of these people live in emotional cardboard boxes perched precariously on the repressed tracks of a broken inner village that couldn’t relate to expressive human sexuality if their very existence depended on this experience.

    In other words, they would rot and DIE before ever attempting to skirt the boundaries of their own self-imposed sexual gulags.

    So- why are we surprised when these juniors act like fucking minuses?

    Keep up the fantastic work, Violet.

  • Dweller

    “pert,” I always thought that was solely used in descriptions of small-ish, firm breasts. Well that and the shampoo as mentioned above.

    My favorite part, aside from blame internet, (so reminds me of the old hate-on for Rock and Roll,) was the understated notion that “normal” means mainstream vanilla. “Normal” is the vaguest term ever dreamed up.

  • Fantastically funny article. Given us some great inspiration for our next libertine party, and especially ideas for the menu. Themes that spring to mind: Ménage à 2.8, Spit roast for three, Swap al a carte, Bobbitt flambée, Tiny nibbles leading to more!!
    I first assume that ABC is the USA equivalent in our wonderful crap British tabloids, with headlines like “TOE JOB TO NO JOB” (Resignation of Cabinet Minister over an affair) or “PORNOCCHIO” (A reference to the “modelling” past of Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills when judge in their divorce case called her a liar). Although I suspect that ABC didn’t have their tongue’s in their cheeks or anyone else’s, come to think about it.
    And anyway fish sex existed before the internet, at least according to fisherman friend.

  • twizted

    Wow. They got me. It all started so innocently with a pair of nipple clamps. Six months later, I’m wandering the streets at night looking for supple young flesh to roast and mounting squirrels in the park. Braaaaiiiiins!!!!

    I think ‘A Dingleberry’ is apt for this piece of breathless crap. Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed the confusing and surreal ‘related’ article headline on page 3: Feral children Speak in Growls, Squeaks.

  • Ah but this takes me back 40 years to my misspent youth. I frequently saw or read some news report about a ‘dangerous’ trend or fad spreading among the youth. Invariably my firsty reaction was ‘but that is so past it!’. They were at a minimum 6 months behind and always got it completely wrong. Nice to see that the same high journalistic standards still apply.

  • @Elf, glad you caught that too. it’s a not-so-subtle way of stating that any interest in kink equates to an interest in sexualizing children. disgusting, no?

  • I’m absolutely incensed by her use of the world “teleoiphilia” as an antonym for “paraphilia.” If this woman had spent more than ten seconds reviewing the literature, she would know that teleoiphilia is not an antonym for paraphilia; it’s an antonym for pedophilia. It’s not just that she accuses all kinksters of being incorrigble monsters intent on self-destruction. She’s told her readers that if kinksters can’t be normal, then you’d better keep them away from your kids because they’re always going to be abnormal.

  • Fave comment on that article:

    “The problem is that reporters apparently can only feel “safe” in covering this stuff if they act like sarcastic teenagers holding a roadkill skunk on the end of a stick.”

    So true, for so many things.

    Love your work, Vi!

  • * “Couples should have special words, should they become uncomfortable (…)” Anyone have a term we can invent for this? Clearly one is needed.


    As a serious note, though, I’ve been asked to create a workshop on sexual communication for college students, and I’m sneaking in a bunch of BDSM negotiation concepts (shh, don’t tell anyone). I’m trying to think of something else I can call “safeword” so that I can talk about safewords in my workshop without tipping off the Powers That Be that I’m using tactics adopted from The Perverts.

    One friend suggested “timeout”. Further suggestions welcome.

  • Holy shit.

    I’m a lurker, and haven’t commented on any of your posts before (but oh how I adore you).

    But this is too much. I thought you must SURELY have been exaggerating when you said the article said “Swinging leads to cannibalism.”

    But then, there it was! In the section entitled “Dangers of Swinging,” we are told about two such dangers:

    1 – Falling in love with a secondary partner.
    2 – Becoming a ravenous flesh-eating monster.

    No words can express the inanity. I’m just at a loss… And I’m starting to feel a bit peckish.

  • Samiam

    the only thing i can think of seeing that picture you posted is crush films.

    animals + sex = no,

  • ““sex-perts”. Anyone know what a “pert” is?”

    The only thing I can think of is Pert Plus. Another fetish! These “sex-perts” are violating perfectly good shampoo! How disgraceful.

    I’m just wondering how the writer could possibly make the leap from sex to cannibalism. It’s not as if these subjects go hand in hand. There’s sex… and then there’s cannibalism. One does not often associate one with the other.

    I think I lost a few braincells trying to make sense of what the reporter was trying to say.