Image via Inkman.
Cafe lattes should be frothy, not sex educators. But when I was cruising my Google News feeds and came across the CNN article Ladies: 5 ways to get your sex life going, I clicked it, felt instantly like a total dope for giving them my click, and became frothier than a soy mocha at how utterly wrongheaded, and, well, ignorant, the article is. Because their answer for getting our sex lives going is — dope. In the piece, CNN Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen outlines five ways for women striving for sexual pleasure, and all five are drug-related. Really? Seriously? You’ve come a long way, baby, but when our major mainstream media news outlets proclaim “Sexually dysfunctional women in the United States are, well, mostly out of luck” then baby, you better take about 20 steps back for every stride forward made in the last 30 years by my predecessors. Now, I could see how one point on the list can be a roundup of drug options. But how about explanations of other reliable methods? Mother Mary and her sacred Hitachi oughta smite a writer who offers up sexual advice in the form of five ways to apologize that women are all psychological and complicated and cloying helplessly on the sidelines for that “little blue pill”. (Which, by the way, is a hell of a lot of fun for women, but no one tells you that — I tried it once, it was rather effective.) But Stella, let me tell you five ways how to begin to get your groove back:
1. Masturbate. Only *you* know how to turn yourself on and get yourself off. Yes, you want to share this but you can’t share it if you don’t know how to get yourself off in the first place. Also, masturbation (even without orgasm) gets those pelvic and urogential muscles in shape, and blood flow to all those areas will happen even if you don’t feel “in the mood” when you play with yourself. Also, do Kegel exercises. Masturbation is a way of taking care of yourself and becoming sexually self-reliant. And maybe, just maybe, it might work. If not, no big deal. But if you learn you like it a little to the left at first, and then right in the middle to get over the edge, then maybe you can tell your lover…
2. Look at, or read porn, erotica or romance. Fantasy is an essential element of sexual pleasure (that which leads to orgasm) for all genders. Do not feel guilty about having a fantasy during sex — you are not “cheating” on your lover, just getting yourself revved up to share your pleasure with them. Alone, porn can turn you on and give you new ideas. It can also show you what you *don’t* like, which is essential to know, too.
3. Stop being goal-oriented about sex. Masturbate and engage in sex acts (like penetration, oral sex, using a vibrator) without the goal of orgasm. People experience orgasm and fulfilling sexual pleasure in more ways than one blog post can cover. Just ask a sexually active person with a spinal cord injury, because these peeps do indeed have hot sex. You’re not “broken” if you don’t get turned on in the way you think you should be, or if you don’t have an orgasm. Also, free your mind and your orgasm might just follow — maybe your sexuality or gender is “different” — like most everyone. *Everyone* thinks there’s something “weird” about their sexuality. There is NO “normal” when it comes to sexual pleasure. The more you stress, the more annoyed and turned off you’ll be. Make sex your playtime, not your here’s-my-serious-face time.
4. Work toward healing past sexual trauma, check your meds for interference — and investigate all the ways sex is beneficial. Trauma and abuse leave scars, but you can still have a whole sex life. It takes work that’s sometimes hard and scary and intense, but it’s worth it, and you’re worth it — and so are the people who love you. Medications can fuck up your sex life, no doubt — even antihistamines can dry our a girl who’s normally juicy. Talk to your doc and make an informed decision — if they judge you for wanting to have a trapeze installed above your bed and think the Xanax might be why your dildo collection is gathering dust, then get a REAL doctor. Finally, read sexual health books that are sex-positive and can explain physiologically how female sexual function and orgasm work — orgasm is a cycle. Learn The Clitoral Truth, ladies!
5. Try a variety of sex toys. For some women sex hurts — sometimes for the first several months or even years of trying intercourse. Vibrators used alone can bring lots of pleasure, but held on the clit can also make penetration pleasurable — especially for anal sex. Get a few inexpensive sex toys: vibrators, a dildo, always use lube even if you think you don’t need it (mmm, Liquid Silk), use porn, even experiment with kinky funstuffs like little clit suction cups. For penetration, have him try out a cock ring that has a clitoral vibe right on top, where it’ll hit the spot.
Oh yeah, you can try drugs too. I’ve had a lot of fun with Viagra in the past, though it made my nose stuffy. Personally, my sex drug of choice is cupcake frosting.