Great moments in fake sex news

Retro image via Ben Pearce.

Over the years The Onion has served up some of my favorite sex reporting. Let’s hope they can keep it up. Because there’s a hell of a lot of fake sex news out there, and most of it isn’t trying to be funny. Here are my top picks:

* Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades
ARLINGTON, VA—”Sadly, many of these promiscuous singles may never realize how miserable a lifetime of supremely pleasurable sex can make them,” said Dr. Sullivan.

* Magazine Announces Plans For Special ‘Sex Issue’
NEW YORK—The new Jane issue will contain all sorts of articles about sex, written by women who’ve had sex, for women who’ve had sex.

* Gay Couple Has Banal Sex
MINNEAPOLIS—Jerome Ostrowski and Barry Lipner engaged in the practice of banal sex Monday, sources reported. “After we got home from Don Giovanni’s, the restaurant we go to pretty much every Monday night, Barry started giving me one of his predictable mood-setting backrubs,” Ostrowski said.

* Headline only greatness: Phone-Sex Ad Masturbated To For 0 Cents A Minute and Real Toy Used As Sex Toy and Unregistered Sex Offender Notifies Neighbors In His Own Way and President Bush Unveils New ‘Impotence Only’ Sex Policy

* American Teen Somehow Developing Unhealthy Attitude Toward Sex
ST. LOUIS—Andrew Zollner, a teenage male born and raised in the U.S., has somehow developed an unhealthy attitude toward sex and human sexuality, sources close to the 16-year-old report.

* Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors’ Marriage
EDWARDSVILLE, KS—Viewed through the lens of binoculars, the Hobsbaums’ seemingly happy relationship reveals far too little.

* Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfulfillment For Local Couple
BURLINGTON, VT—After 10 years of marriage, Harold and Sue Robertson of Burlington agreed that their sex life could use a jump-start. Their lovemaking an increasingly joyless, mechanical exercise, the sexually frustrated couple decided to enroll in a Tantric-sex class.

* Vatican Warns Against Increasingly Healthy Attitudes Toward Sex
VATICAN CITY–Alarmed by rising rates of pleasurable, mutually fulfilling acts of physical love among Catholics, the Vatican issued a statement Monday warning against healthy attitudes toward sex.

* Newlyweds Regret Saving Sex For Marriage
WETUMKA, OK—Two weeks after their Feb. 1 wedding, Matt and Liz Kuchen, both 32, regret remaining virgins until marriage. “Why the hell did I wait?” Liz said Tuesday. “I could’ve been having mind-blowing sex with dozens of guys these last 15 years, and instead I spent them making little (…)

* Local Muppet Held For Questioning In Chicken Sex Ring
SHELBY, OH—An area muppet is being held for questioning regarding its role in an illegal underground chicken sex ring. The unnamed muppet, described as a blue, hyperactive, beaked male of unknown species, is suspected to have master-minded the operation, which involved some 2,500 chickens in (…)

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  • Don’t know if this comment will be noticed now. The Onion has released a new DVD and there is a segment about Porn Stars doing a press conference to demand “stronger, more intense sexual intercourse.”

  • bookyloo

    that photo is killing me. Not because of the boobs or legs, but because the way she’s holding that hot dog is so…impractical? I’m getting an RSI flareup just looking at it. No human has ever actually eaten a hot dog in that position, ever. That’s what makes it so perfectly awesome.

  • Having all of these on one convenient page just made my day! Thanks.

  • I always suspected Gonzo was a pimp.