I should probably be resting my tired arms and hands (Sunday I worked at SRL on a jet engine and some assorted hydraulics), but I just can’t resist sharing the joy in my life that has become the daily interactions I have with my Good Vibes coworkers. At my desk, behind the towering stacks of she-male porn, beneath the books about female ejaculation, I hide and pretend I’m working on some really important, scientific piece of writing that surely the company cannot move forward without. I project the vibe of a porn writer scientist, slaving away tirelessly on things like gift guides that tell you how to give anal sex gift packs as bridal shower gifts. It’s very serious work, and I do my best to look really really busy as I contemplate the proper wording for describing she-male genitalia that is functional yet small, and still make it sound interesting to the consumer. Everyone stays away (tinfoil hat and toenail clipping collection notwithstanding), and this is good, because clearly the fragile fabric of the whole world is held together on my writing about pop shots, double anals and the proper lubricant for fisting.
While in the midst of my self-delusional porn writing tangents, and looking deeply contemplative while cruising the web for weird porn pictures for my web site, I received a Tiny Nibbles email. Like quite a few emails, it was addressed to "webmaster at (insert URL)." It was yet another site that wants a link. But I always check ’em all out and to my happiness and glee, it was a German DVD porn site. My day was picking up! I suddenly realized that everything is funnier in German! Alone at my desk, I then began giggling and laughing at the German words for different porn genres. For instance, "teens" are "teeny" or "teenies," which then turn into hilarious sayings like "anal teeny" and "disco teenies." At that moment, Thomas Roche called me to confirm something actually work related — how dare he?! The Good Vibes Magazine can wait! I told him about the site, sent a link to him, and here was the rest of our exchange:
From: Thomas
(Subject) re: got sperma teenies?
Oh my god, this is so wonderful. My favorite phrase is either "des linken Menüs" or "Diskrete und neutrale Verpackung." But "Junge Debutantinnen" is pretty cool.
From: Violet
(Subject) re: got sperma teenies?
what does all that mean?
From: Thomas
(Subject) re: got sperma teenies?
Well, I’m not entirely sure, I just think "des linken menus" sounds funny, especially with the umlaut. "Des" is a form of "the," so I think it means something about "the linked menus," though I have no idea what, exactly, that is.
>"Diskrete und neutrale verpackung" means "discrete and neutral packaging, "but for some reason it’s funnier in German. "Junge" is young, so "Junge Debutantinnen" is "Young Debutantes."
>"Blasen, Spritzen, Schlucken, frauen lustchen alles aus ihm heraus" means "blow, squirt, swallow, women hungry for everything from it," "it" presumably being ein sehr hohes inferno des throbbing Mann-Fleisches, das große sprudelnde Fluten des Dämpfens des Safts ausbricht.< (a towering inferno of throbbing man-meat which erupts great bubbling floods of steaming juice.) So you see how work is for me on a good day. I mean, discoveries like these hold the keys to our collective Karma, are super important to understanding why other cultures should be cherished for their comic value, and a revelation that porn movie names are just as bad in cultures who have better public education and universal healthcare. Plus I now know that with one click of the mouse I have the power to lie to any age check page in any language in the world. And really, that site is a whole lotta smiley happy fun for the whole family -- greased-up urinating disco teenies and all. I will link to them until someone tells me that the German words on the web site actually say bad things, and like people making porn with Bratwurst, must be stopped. Sorry if I offended anyone. Random advice: don't drink the SARS.
