Sexual Fantasy Examples for Couples: Getting Started by Violet Blue

Sexual fantasies for couples start with the ideas of one, can blossom into a shared fantasy, and can become reality as easily as making a wish — as long as you make that wish out loud. Wanting to try out a fantasy with your lover can feel like an adventure that is equal parts excitement and fright. Many who are introducing fantasy exploration might receive a mixed reply — part curiosity, part apprehension. A few folks will be met with a reluctance to talk about it, while others might meet an outright refusal.

For many reasons, one of you may not want to try out your deepest sexual fantasy, or he or she may want to make you happy but not understand what to do, or what it means to you. Understanding these concerns and hesitations can be helpful in having a constructive discussion about it, learning how to overcome fears that might hold one of you back, and resolving what to do when one person does feels okay about it while the other doesn’t.

On the other hand, if your lover wants to try something sexually that you’re afraid of or unsure about, or feel morally at question with, it can bring up powerful feelings. Adding any new sexual behavior to a relationship can feel like a make-or-break situation, and sometimes it is. Asking to try styles of expressing sexual intimacy can push your relationship to higher levels, or it can bring up so many issues that it rocks the boat — sometimes a little too hard. When fantasies make someone feel insecure, unsure of your motivations or the fantasy makes one of you uncomfortable, the issues can rock you to the core. This is especially true with fantasies related to degradation, fear, gender, age or abuse.

When your own sexual fantasy makes you uncomfortable or offended (and, confusingly, aroused at the same time), you might worry that somewhere inside of you lurks a bad person, a person that “deserves” something harmful, or worse, that you actually want your fantasy to come true in reality. Rape and incest fantasies are not uncommon, yet are extremely disturbing to contemplate. These fantasies are just that — fantasies, and there they will remain in the realm of imagination or in the safety of fantasy play with someone you absolutely trust. Just because we have a fantasy, we do not wish it would really happen, on any level.

In some cases, you both already have ideas about what fantasies you’d like to try together. People who are lucky to find lovers that they “click” with on other levels often find that they sexually “click” too. Others, with a little sexual sleuthing, find their lovers equally curious about the possible aphrodisiac effects of fantasies on their shared sex life, and look forward to trying something new that could really spice things up.

Either way, for you to explore the idea together, one of you has to be the one to start talking about it — easy if you talk about sex and experimentation regularly in your relationship, daunting if you never talk about sex. Not everyone will feel comfortable talking about their innermost fantasies, or you might be feeling apprehensive about confessing your fantasies and desires to them.

But whatever your situation, telling him or her you want to try something new sexually can feel stressful — and if your fantasy makes you uncomfortable, this is an understatement. In fact, even thinking about talking about sex is stressful sometimes! If you’ve never brought up the subject of sex with your partner, don’t worry.

If you have what you consider a routine style of sex, telling your partner that you want something to change is scary, and starting a conversation about your desires to sexually experiment can make you feel vulnerable. This is especially true with sexual fantasies that predate your relationship. Opening yourself up and asking for something you want sexually takes courage — but also gives you an opportunity to learn more about what your lover likes and dislikes.

If you’re the one bringing it up, reverse roles for a minute: If you don’t normally talk about sex in your relationship and then suddenly one of you wants to, it might be upsetting — at first. Your lover may wonder if you’ve had sexual secrets all along. But it’s very likely that your opening up this erotic treasure trove will give them the opportunity to tell you what’s on their mind about sex, too.

Before you begin, think about how you might bring up the subject in a way that would feel safe for you: You might feel more comfortable watching a movie with a scene in it that is similar to your fantasy and commenting on the scene. Or do you think you’d feel okay asking your partner what they think about sharing fantasies while you’re entwined in an intimate cuddle? Another technique you can try is telling him you want to confess a fantasy — a sexual one — and that he or she isn’t to reply right away. Tell your lover that you can have a conversation about it later; this gives both of you time to let the idea settle. Some couples find that taking a walk together to discuss tricky issues is the perfect way to talk — side-by-side, you stay physically together facing the direction you’re going, yet you still have the comfort of not having to make constant eye-contact.

Consider ways in which you can encourage your partner to hear you out, and ask them to suspend judgment until you can explain why this is important, and how much fun you think the two of you will both have — and how important their participation is to you. Be sure to reassure him or her that you find them incredibly sexy, and that this wouldn’t be happening unless you felt safe to tell them your deepest desires. Your lover needs to hear that they are the star of your show, in addition to the fact that you’re ready to become closer than you’ve ever been before.

The most important thing to think through beforehand is how you are going to make your partner feel safe when talking about it. Rehearse what you’d like to say in your mind before you actually have the conversation. Think through possible scenarios, and imagine how they might react, so that you will be prepared to flow with whichever route the discussion might take. With forethought, compassion and understanding, you can both take your shared sex life to the next level — even if it’s just the level of open discussion.

Learn a lot more about sexual fantasies for couples in my book, The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy — from the back cover:

“With wit and enthusiasm, sex educator Violet Blue encourages couples to talk about and explore fantasies together to deepen erotic intimacy. She takes readers on a tour of the wide world of sexual fantasies, offering expert advice for talking dirty to a partner, playing with toys, role-play, making homemade porn, and exploring fetishes, sex scenes, phone sex, sex games, public sex, sex parties, orgies, sex with strangers, S/M and much more. Packed with tons of games, resources, and lots of fun, The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy is the perfect book for daring readers who want to safely turn their sexual fantasies into reality.”

Violet Blue

The London Times named Violet Blue "One of the 40 bloggers who really count" and Self Magazine named TinyNibbles one of the “Best Sex Resources for Women.” Blue is an autodidact and pundit on sex and technology, hacking and security, porn for women, privacy and bleeding-edge tech culture. She is a journalist for ZDNet, CBS News, CNET; she's an educator, speaker, crisis counselor, volunteer NGO trainer, and the author and editor of over 40 award-winning books.

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