How to Talk Dirty: the Art of Dirty Talk by Violet Blue

Quiet, focused sex can be intense and climactic — but sex where one of you makes noise, opens your mouth and says things to crank up the heat can be some of the most concentrated and profound sex imaginable. Dirty talk makes hot sex even hotter, and can also be an invaluable skill to have when you’re separated by distance, but connected by a phone or DSL line.

Hot talk is simply when you describe sex, in as much detail as possible, with a bit of drama and timing and carefully chosen words. You don’t necessarily have to use harsh or slang words, and you never have to use words or terms you’re uncomfortable with. On the flipside, if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t usually use words like “pussy” or “cock,” these words coming out of your mouth in a heated moment might just send your lover over the edge.

While we usually think of talking dirty as something that only happens during sex, you can employ this versatile sex toy as an appetizer before sex, during heated foreplay or tease your lover throughout the course of the day in a series of calls, Instant Messages or voicemail messages. You can describe a sexual fantasy — yours or theirs — in explicit detail, from start to finish. Or, describe what’s happening right then and there, especially if you’re masturbating or doing something else deliciously erotic. Further, you can tell him or her what you’d like them to do, or what you’d like to do to them.

What’s important is to be as descriptive as possible. Slow down your descriptions; don’t rush anything. If you’re worried about saying dirty things out loud because it’s something new for you, or you aren’t used to saying words like “fuck,” find some private time, make a list of words you think might feel strange for you to say, and say them. Out loud, over and over. Do it in front of a mirror. You’ll smile and laugh at first — and it’s even okay to smile and laugh when you do it in person. What matters is that you say it, and your desire to turn on yourself and your partner will give you the emphasis to mean it. If you still think certain words sound silly, don’t worry — when you’re face-to-face with your lover, it’ll sound plenty sexy. In Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy, she recommends talking dirty to yourself while you masturbate, combining your arousal with becoming comfortable hearing yourself say naughty things.

Find your sexiest voice. Some people have a difficult time hearing their own voice and might find that trying a few voice exercises gives their voice a sexier and more resonant sound. Practice speaking not from your throat, but from the center of your chest, and powering the air from your stomach muscles. Stretch the muscles on your jaw, lips and tongue to relax your face. Learn to speak softly by lowering your volume (loudness) and pitch (lower notes), but play with resonance. Try a sentence in a low whisper, deeper than your normal voice. Then try it louder, still a bit deeper. Next, hum, keeping your mouth closed. Now speak the sentence in your low whisper, but with the same resonance as the hum. You’ll use these different techniques to find the sexy voice that works best for you, and also to gauge volume over music, to sync up with your lover’s volume and match their rhythm as well.

When you’re in the moment, you’ll talk in an unrushed tempo in your low, sexy voice, but you’ll slowly lead your partner through climactic sex with what you’re saying. Match the tone, pacing and rhythm of what they say to you, and you’ll tune right into their arousal, feeding their fire with gasoline. As you go along, ask them a few questions to get more information — or to bring their attention to what he or she is doing, such as becoming aroused (“Are you getting hard/wet? I see that you are.”) — and match their response in timing, volume and urgency.

But what do you ask, and what do you say? Because hot talk comes from inside us and often relies on being a bit creative, figuring out what to say is daunting. Describing a fantasy — which takes guts and a sense of adventure — is one of the simplest and most delicious ways to spice up sex. If you don’t know where to start, let someone else provide the words — pick up an erotic short story collection that focuses on fantasies for couples and borrow a fantasy, or simply read one aloud to your honey. Read erotica, look for dirty words online, and make a note of whatever turns you on. You can also get ideas for dirty talk role play in the excellent film Talk To Me Baby: A Lover’s Guide to Dirty Talk and Role-Play.

Another simple technique is to describe what you’re doing right then and there, but make it a bit dirtier. For instance, if you’re caressing his thigh, you can say: “Your thigh feels really good under my hand. I love touching you so close to your delicious cock. I can see you getting hard. Do you want me to touch your cock? I’d love to stroke you up and down your shaft, rub and press against your hard dick. It would feel so good to fondle your balls, slide my hand around the base of your shaft, and give it a squeeze. Then I could slide it up your cock and grip the tip of your cock in my smooth, firm fist.” Get the idea? Then you can deliver on what you’ve promised, describing what you’re doing every step of the way, the entire time.

Once you unleash your dirty talk skills, and see what they can do for your sex life, you’ll feel like you found a secret superhero power. Use your power to make your good girl persona into a tigress between the sheets, your dominant role as the master of pleasure and erotic control, or your femme fatale identity into a prowling seductress — bar none. Dirty talk skills can be used between the sheets, over the phone, in a chat room, in a crowded restaurant or anywhere that turns you on. Mask, cape and boots are optional.

Violet Blue

The London Times named Violet Blue "One of the 40 bloggers who really count" and Self Magazine named TinyNibbles one of the “Best Sex Resources for Women.” Blue is an autodidact and pundit on sex and technology, hacking and security, porn for women, privacy and bleeding-edge tech culture. She is a journalist for ZDNet, CBS News, CNET; she's an educator, speaker, crisis counselor, volunteer NGO trainer, and the author and editor of over 40 award-winning books.

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