I worry in my black little heart of hearts that someone may take the wrong turn this holiday season and decide to give a gift they think is funny-sexy, when in fact it is funny-horrifying. In hopes that you’ll give sexy gifts that are truly erotic and not deeply psychotic, I bring you the most sexually inappropriate stocking stuffers of the season. These are really BAD ideas for gifts, circa 2010.
1. Julian Assange “Dikileaks” Condoms. Sales copy – “A great way to spice up your next WikiLeaks release party, especially in Sweden!”
Um, no. No, they’re not.
2. Hustler’s relationship stand-ins. What makes these your path to doom is the marketing, baby. Hustler’s The Perfect Girlfriend. “You can stop looking. You found her. The Perfect Girlfriend is always ready for a good time.”
Yeah, because every guy thinks a cock sock is perfection in a life partner.
Hustler’s The Perfect Boyfriend. “The Perfect Boyfriend: Find true love with this uniquely realistic dong.”
Um… put this in her stocking and spend Christmas day explaining the “dong” shaped stitches to the ER technician.
3. The Guido Love Doll. Take your relationship from a nice situation into a “shituation” in the amount of time it takes to unwrap this Darwinian triumph. “Meet Guido, the bronzed-up zippahead with rock-hard abs and more juice than Tropicana. Just add air and this pumped-up douche bag is ready to make your fist-pump and your panties wet.”
Look – no one wants this. Even if it comes with its own lube made from crushed up Valtrex and bleach. Like an STD, do not give this to anyone.
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Okay. Now I have seen most of it. Although such things must exist in the world, the fact that they are actually apparently successfully marketed and sold is still a mystery to me. I guess I just need to grow up.
Agh, damnit, next time warn people the images are links. I accidentally clicked on the third one and now there’s going to be a very unfortunate effect on my “viewed recently at Amazon.” x.x
Oddly enough, Dickileaks is also the hashtag for a sex scandal going on in the AFL, in Australia right now.
Ah, The last sex scandal in Australian sport for 2010. How fast time flies.
Blindness is a blessing after the Guido Love Doll. It’s like having a beautiful unicorn save you from hell.
However I’ll confess that I wished I could find an actual image of it out of the box all vinyl and floppy. I think that desire makes me one of those people swimming in the very, very far end of the pool.
I almost opened this post with a crazed rant about how bad I want to unsee things, but it really made me worried. For everyone.
It frightens me to the core that #3 exists.
And don;t be sorry. I’m sure it’s temporary blindness. :)
I am sorry. :(
I always knew your sie would make me go blind. I assumed it was from all the Awesome Sexy Posts.
But no, in the end, it was this one.
/mourn
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