I had to read this a couple times: “…many straight men need a lot of encouragement to embrace non-monogamy because non-monogamy…is the naturally *desired* male mode of being” – and I decided that is about the most true thing on the internet today. Thank you for explaining something about me to myself succicinctly that I’d been trying to get my head around for as long as I’ve been at this.

But as to why, partially it’s expectations of women, yes. But there’s another reason, at least for me, and I wonder how widespread this is: I would’ve been more of an alley cat except for a very long series of quite painful rejections and multi-year dry spells. I don’t know if I’ve been rejected more than most men. It’s possible – I started out painfully geeky, then got less geeky, but was/am always kind of funny looking, although now I have a sort of sexyugly thing going that’s working for me. Or maybe most men are bothered less by it. But for whatever reason that string of rejections made a big impact and put some serious kibosh on my desires and flirtations.

Then when I moved to a city and started running into the kind of women that you mention – women who were open and fun and curious, and amazingly enough, wanted me – and that triggered the beginning of a long process of unwinding that suppression. I’ve been in open relationships for something more than a decade now (and married for half that time) and that process is still ongoing.

My most brutal dry spell came after my brother committed suicide, while I was in college. It absolutely broke me (I’d been pretty deeply depressed myself not long before that) and I stayed basically completely broken for about a year. I was damaged goods, not at all what most people that age are looking for, so it’s not that surprising. But it really sucked.

But damn are things ever better now. If I had any idea then that my life now would include a smoking hot, loyal and adventurous wife, an incredible kid, and a network of gorgeous and powerful lovers – or that that was even possible – that would have rearranged my entire mental landscape then. I’ve been so moved by Dan Savage’s It Gets Better project for LGBTQ, maybe we need to do one for het and (het-ish) guys, too.

Anyway, thanks for the great post. Hooray for love is right.

Even though it’s been really positive, it’s also been hella emotional. Those “found boundaries” are amazingly powerful – especially if you don’t anticipate them.

We live in Calgary, which is very conservative and not very open, and it’s been challenging finding a community of like-minded folks that we can explore with. We’ve been lucky and are starting to develop a network of people to talk with (and sometimes fuck) but man, so hard.

Great post!

I’m in the last phases of a failed, non-monogamous “experiment”, and can vouch that folks need to be realistic about their needs vs their fantasies. I know it can work, but it takes constant communication and willingness on both sides. It also requires trust. There will be pain and doubt. Without strength and hard work, it will rip you apart.

These seem like mere words to anyone who hasn’t had every aspect of what they thought they understood about their partner twisted into an entirely new perspective. And I can promise that’s what will happen because, well, honestly, isn’t that exactly why we went there in the first place… for a change of perspective? It can be thrilling and extremely hot, but be sure about what you want out of it. And be sure you’re willing to pay the price.

Also, if someone makes a porn DVD, and currently wants US distribution into the mainstream porn DVD sales channels, it’s all the same old boys’ network, which is GVA/Gamelink, etc. (the Sturman legacy). To see how this all came to be a strangled (and thus dying) distribution channel for porn (and bizarrely the dictation of mainstream porn content) read Eric Schlosser’s Reefer Madness. My guess is that to sell DVDs in the US, Private has to play ball with GVA.

What sad old business models. Just like their PR practices.

Viviane — ME TOO! “An Open Invitation” is the real deal.

Looks stunning.