New Pink Button’s Genital Cosmetic Colorant

For once, I bow to the nice men at Details and let them say it all. I am too busy protectively covering my own Pink Button to be able to react right now in any way other than snarling and slashing at anyone who attempts to approach Button with a “Ginger-licious!” dye applicator. Snip from Calling Bullshit on Dyed Lady Parts:

It’s a scenario every man dreads: You meet a nice girl at a bar. You share drinks, biographies and head-tilt gazes. Confident that your respective inhibitions are sufficiently muted, you both decamp for your place. Once there you waste no time undressing her while kissing her neck . . . her chest . . . her sto—AND THEN YOU NOTICE HER LABIA ARE A STRANGE COLOR. Mood ruined, you sit on the end of the bed and wait for her to take the hint and leave, horrifically hued genitals in tow.

This has happened to countless no men ever, but just in case 2010 is the year the tide turns, My New Pink Button has women covered. Created by a Paramedical Esthetician—which, even if it’s a real job, is a made-up job—the product is a “Genital Cosmetic Colorant” that “restores the ‘Pink’ back to a Woman’s Genitals.” In short, it’s a dye for women who want to change the appearance of their vagina. The prophecy of Jennifer Love-Hewitt has come true.

On the site there are two menus: “Health & Personal Care” and “Beauty.” They contain the same four items: genital cosmetic colorants named Marilyn, Bettie, Ginger and Audry [sic]—all iconic actresses who, if they were still alive, would leap at the opportunity to lend their names to a labial dye.

Inside the item listings are persuasive descriptions such as:

Audry: “For the woman that loves to be daring, we bring you ‘Audrey’! This is the deepest, darkest color that we offer to give you a bold burgundy pink color.” (For all the fair ladies, with their fair vaginas.) (…read more, )