real, honest female orgasm advice

by Violet Blue on November 27, 2009

When out at lunch with a friend recently, she asked for some serious sexual advice for her friend. Her friend, it turns out (and really, it was her friend, not herself) — her friend is a 22 year old woman who has never had an orgasm. Miss 22, she found out, had told her this and also that she did not masturbate because she didn’t know how. After their conversation, Miss 22 did an informal survey of her friends, and lo, they were all women who openly admitted to masturbating, which left Miss 22 feeling like she’d really been left out. She came back to my friend and asked for advice. Her friend came to me.

I don’t have the bandwidth right now to answer sex advice questions — and apologies if you’ve emailed me and I have not had a chance to respond. Please call or email SFSI.org, where I teach, and learn. I’m so swamped I can barely keep my friends from thinking I’ll never email them back. But this was face to face, and I told her to get a book I Iove. She said “Sex for One? I got that for her and she was too overwhelmed by it.” I told her I never recommend that book for that very reason, because it opens with the author talking about her experiences at group masturbation parties, and that always puts women off who are new to the whole concept of female orgasm — let alone group sex parties! No, I told her to get a copy of the outstanding When the Earth Moves by Mikaya Heart. Also: Lou Paget’s Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming, The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides (Psy. D.) and for follow-up reading, The Clitoral Truth by Rebecca Chalker. Advanced orgasmic exploration is in The Smart Girl’s Guide to the G-Spot (also UK) These are all no-nonsense, plain talk, fun attitude practical books that are outstanding for beginners. And to pair it with erotica: because she’s heterosexual I recommended Lust: Erotic Fantasies for Women (also UK) and Girls On Top: Erotic Fantasies for Women (also UK) — both because they’re packed with well-written women’s erotic fantasies, by women, for women.

Just thought I’d pass it along.

Violet Blue

The London Times named Violet Blue "One of the 40 bloggers who really count" and Self Magazine named TinyNibbles one of the “Best Sex Resources for Women.” Blue is an autodidact and pundit on sex and technology, hacking and security, porn for women, privacy and bleeding-edge tech culture. She is a journalist for ZDNet, CBS News, CNET; she's an educator, speaker, crisis counselor, volunteer NGO trainer, and the author and editor of over 40 award-winning books.

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{ 4 comments }

1 Lilo December 5, 2009 at 7:05 am

She could always take of her clothes, get in bed, spread her legs and start tocuching, Where it feels nice you keep touching ;) That’s how I discovered orgasms at age 13. It takes time to lear your positions, like when I started having sex the only way I came was if was on top, now I manage if he is on top or I on my side :)

2 Lorra December 5, 2009 at 12:45 am

Interesting – I was 22 when I first had an orgasm, and it was after I read Sex For One :)

Now I just have to be able to get one from someone else….any suggestions? I’ve had some people get close, but no real success. I think maybe I am unable to relax or something.

3 violet November 27, 2009 at 1:21 pm

hi Jayme! no, I don’t have a copy of your book, and I’d love to read it. as you can tell, I don’t recommend books unless they’ve been read and vetted either by me or the staff at SFSI.org (or both) — we would be delighted to check out your book. I’m certain you still have my email address, which I think would be a more direct method of personal communication. happy holidays to you, too!

4 Jamye Waxman November 27, 2009 at 12:30 pm

Hey Violet. Not sure if you’ve ever received a copy of my book, “Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation” but I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 21, and wrote a pretty beginner book on the subject as well. Would love to send you a copy if you’d like. Happy Holidays!

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