Image by the amazing Stuntkid.
In this week’s column, I explore the (not so) brave new world of New York spa delivered “sperm facials.” It’s called The Skinny on Spermine: Not Exactly Snake Oil – Violet Blue: Straight guys getting sperm facials “for science.” It’s a wrong, wrong, wrong comedy of terrors. Here’s a snip:
I was typing “Spermine sperm facials San Francsico” into Google when I realized what I was doing.
Truthfully, I was trying to see if any local spas were offering Norwegian company Bioforskning’s facial treatment with their product, Spermine. It is touted in magazines and blogs as a revolutionary facial treatment that uses sperm and lasers to induce a more youthful appearance. I’d read journalist Marty Beckerman’s recent article “Spermboarded” where he — a straight male — goes to a New York spa for a sperm facial. When he announced his plans to his girlfriend, he claims she “offered to receive a Spermine facial beside me for emotional support.” His reaction? “No, I don’t want that on your face,” He screamed. “From anyone else, I mean.”
He’d apparently read the New York Magazine blip about the new beauty treatment. Okay, maybe it’s not so new. But two NYC spas offer the treatment (Townhouse Spa: $250 and Graceful Services: $125) and I wanted to know if Spermine had yet made a splash on the Barbary Coast.
Beckerman was unable to get his very entertaining article published. Maybe the inclusion of a YouTube video demonstrating the procedure hampered his offerings on an already-delicate subject. Though Beckerman was not naive about the outrageousness of his own situation, nor immune to the irony that it was self-induced. He wrote,
As promised Anna slathers Spermine all over my face; it doesn’t smell like semen, so that’s nice.
“My parents will be so proud of me when they see this,” I predict.
“Great!” Anna says sincerely. “Probably they would like to come here too!”
“Yeah,” I say, “I’ll buy them… uh… well… Father’s Day is coming up.” (…read more, sfgate.com)
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Ok, here’s the first question that popped into my head:
Where do they obtain donors?
I’m of course presuming these are HUMAN sperm.
Q: Will I ever mature to the point that the word “facial”, used in any context, does not engender a round of immature and offensive jokes?
A: Nope.
One would think, those tiny little wigglers would be able to get into and under
the skin to moisturize the skin, thus making wrinkles disappear.
Call it, The Fountain of Youth.
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