Image by friend, Richard Kadrey/Kaos Beauty Klinik.
A day ago, on my overly customized Google News page I caught a headline that read, “Therapists Say Kinky Sex On The Rise” from ABC News. Naturally, pre-click, I was already laughing at the double-entendre and eagerly awaiting to see how, given the indication in the title, how cautionary — or hilariously ignorant — ABC would handle kinky sex, not to mention wondering what they think ‘kinky sex’ might be. Teased by the subhead snip about women having sex with electric squid for kicks (not joking!), I clicked through and the article was a 404. This is my morning coffee entertainment, my friends. This is how I get ready for the day. This was a letdown.
I screencapped it and posted it to my Flickr; today someone replied to my image post with the link. And wow — if there is a Razzies award ceremony for bad movies that take themselves seriously but actually embarrass everyone involved, there should certainly be an equivalent at this point in our sex-enlightened Internet history for articles so far off the mark with their misspellings, assumptions and broad hysterical statements about sex. I nominate ABC’s “Therapists Say Kinky Sex On The Rise.” Shall we call the award a “Dingleberry”?
Laughter through tears, gentle readers. In the amazingly outrageous mainstream media piece about “kinky sex” in 2009 we learn — and here’s where you’re going to think I’m joking, spoiler alert:
* In Japan women have sex with electrified squid for kicks. Bzzt. That is so 2004.
* BDSM fantasy play is not fantasy: a dominatrix who created a “barbecue” scene actually roasted a client over a spit of hot coals. This scenario never clarified or explained, and it is repeated throughout the article along with cannibalism warnings, so it kinda sounds like murder.
* A fetish (paraphilia) is defined as a “socially unacceptable sexual practice.” Um, like America’s paraphilia for big breasts and penises?
* Kinky sex is a new revolution and it’s because of the Internet. Said a guy who made a film about sex in 2001.
* “Weird, sick and kinky” are the opposite of “normal.”
* There is a new word, “sex-perts”. Anyone know what a “pert” is?
* This is all the Internet’s fault.
* “Couples should have special words, should they become uncomfortable (…)” Anyone have a term we can invent for this? Clearly one is needed.
* Swinging leads to cannibalism. (See below excerpt.)
* One (or any) example of sexual interest means it’s a widespread (or real) practice. This is all the Internet’s fault.
* Therapists know that fetishes come from childhood fears.
* Once you step over the boundaries of “normal sex”, you will never come back. Just how like people who love hot sauce will never be satisfied until they set their tongues on fire with gasoline.
Read it and weep, a snip (ahem) from page 3:
Dangers of ‘Swinging’
As for swinging, there’s always the danger that one partner will fall in love someone other than their mate in a menage a trios.
She also warns, “Be careful, very careful if have a fantasy and you’re putting it in to reality. It often disappoints.”
“It has to be safe, sane and consensual,” she said.
And, according to Quilliam, it’s a slippery slope when it comes to what is consensual, especially in one of the fastest growing paraphilias on the Internet — cannibalism.
“You slice off a piece of somebody and together you fry it and cook it and eat it,” she said. “There’s a Web site for almost anything.”
In 2003, a computer technician advertised on the Internet for a well-built male prepared to be slaughtered and then consumed. His willing victim agreed to have his penis cut off, which was flambéed and served up to eat together before the victim died, according to the BBC. The courts debated whether the act constituted murder, because the victim had solicited the act. (…don’t stop enjoying the misinformation and sexual hysteria, read more, abcnews.go.com)
Nice work, ABC. Keep up the accurate, relevant, quality journalism. Just keep telling yourself this is all the Internet’s fault.