Comments on: married, with sex

By: AgileCyborg

AgileCyborg — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:34:17 +0000

Marriage mostly sucks- as does the pervasive and ironclad conventionality it is designed to dispense with feverish and ferocious delight.

Problem is, I am very good at staying and being married.

I am also very good at smiling cheerfully when I would much prefer punching a fucking hole in the wall.

By: Brian

Brian — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 18:37:13 +0000

Thanks, Liberty Vini, I do appreciate the comments, both your first & second suggestions were missed, very true… my wife and I had been great friends and it just felt natural that it developed into romantic love, but sex was not discussed in any detail, it just kinda happened. I wanted to discuss it more, but she never had anything to add. I figured back then that I would just give her time, but this of course didn’t change anything.

And yep, certainly a 3rd party intervention would help… we tried that, she hated it, never will try couples counseling again, so I’m on my own!

By: LibertyVini

LibertyVini — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 13:44:40 +0000

I realized too late that my previous post may have been a bit flippant, unhelpful or even hurtful to Brian in his situation described above.

Nevertheless, point #2 above applies. You need to talk to your wife about what’s bothering you. You need to stress that you belive physical intimacy is an essential part of marriage as you understand it, and that you are hurt and confused by her seeming not to understand. Ultimately the libido, particularly the female libido is profoundly influenced by her non-sexual feelings about you, which means that her perceived lack of interest may be underlain by other problematic thoughts an feelings that have little to do with sex directly. Relationships with such profound communication problems usually require neutral, 3rd-party intervention to resolve.

By: LibertyVini

LibertyVini — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 02:37:59 +0000

I have a few suggestions for hot, long-term relationship sex;

1) Before you commit, make SURE you are sexually compatible as well as in all other aspects. I mean REALLY compatible.

2) This requires TALKING.

3) If you end up in a sexless relationship, see #s 1 and 2. If you haven’t done them, then I can’t help you.

4) Undisclosed sexual peccadilloes can be deal-breakers if discovered after a commitment is made. See # 1 and 2.

By: Brian

Brian — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:37:22 +0000

The article has good ideas and good intentions, I just feel like it’s too late for me and my sexless marriage, something my wife and I seem to be acknowledging. It’s been more than a year since the last time we had sex. She has some ongoing physical issues that often prevent her from sex, but even on good days she doesn’t really make time, reciprocate or initiate. What do you do if you did reveal your fantasies & turn-ons to your wife and she finds them all perverted? What if, in turn, she admits she has no fantasies or turn-ons of her own? What if she admits she has not masturbated in 10 years and simply has no interest? What if you buy the books to help couples’ sex life and it actually angers her? What if even bringing home small vibrators to help with her orgasms cause the same anger, that she thinks I am trying to change her into someone she is not? What if she takes herself off birth control for what she says are physical reasons, but then does not like sex with condoms, effectively ending it all right there? Sometimes I don’t think communication leads to better sex, it simply highlights the vast, sad differences, even when the two people in the relationship match up in other areas of life… ugh!

By: libby

libby — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:39:52 +0000

the chron comments = middle school. you are brave, violet.