The good, the bad and the fugly, L to R from the top…

1. Club Satan: Witches Sabbath. I don’t want to be utterly rude but this title fucking SUCKS. And not in the way we like, oh no. I’m having a hard time not taking the total failure of this schoolgirls-meet-Satan porn film personally. Mostly because with a theme like that, it shouldn’t be difficult to have a wonderfully bad schlockfest. It should be like Hammer, but where you get to see everything, right? Wrong. There are no hot rituals performed here on quivering virginal girlflesh, unless you count the time-honored ritual of people making extremely bad porn for the sake of shock value — *and* that because after I watched this film my pussy recoiled so much in anorgasmic fright that I actually became a virgin again. I think right now it’s up somewhere around my liver, hiding, or maybe getting drunk by proximity and trying to forget. But: if you think fake-blood spattered cooters goes well with the season, or the drapes, ignore my rocking and crying in the corner while clutching my well-worn House of 1000 Corpses DVD, and you can have my copy of Club Satan. Except you can’t, because it’s Thomas‘. Surprised?

2. Four Finger Club #23 I can’t review this one because it’s still stuck in my… laptop. This series is just good damn porn. Girls who like girls, they don’t look terribly porny (okay sometimes they do but their orgasms are so intense I’m not looking at their *manicures* to pass the time for a change), big things go in places that really like… big things, and frightfully real orgasms.

3. Four Finger Club #22 Same as above, but this has a nice strap-on female ejaculation scene. Intense.

4. Laughing Squid Slide Show Banned in 23 states, hunted by the DoJ, and coveted by Doggie Diner pervs worldwide. Squids gone wild! Too hot for TV. But not teh internets.

5. Naughty or Nice: Christmas Erotica edited by Alison Tyler Cute, hot and sweet collection by one of the most prolific women in the erotica biz. Totally worth it if you want to have some naughty erotica to read over the holidays: it also has a couple of nice New Years’ stories, all explicit and well-written. Lots of excellent writers I’ve published in Best Women’s Erotica, too. I can totally see myself reading “Dangerous Fruitcake” under the covers to my own dangerous fruitcake (Hacker Boy) when we escape the holiday party madness, hide out, and consume vegan spiked eggnogs, and each other, in turn.

6. The Skin Trade I really like Joe Gallant, and I think Sasha Gray is super-hot. But this film is just damn depressing, which is pretty much the opposite of what I want my porn to be. Brittle blondes with hard boobs, and plotlines where women are desperate so they perform lackluster sex work when their lives are totally failing. This is for people who romanticize gritty sex work. Just put down the vibrator and cry already. It’s well shot, but unless you wank to Requiem for a Dream, it’s free for the first person who comes through my door and doesn’t notice me slipping it in their web-trendy, annoyingly attractive Timbuk2 bag.

7. Intimate Moments: More Real Orgasms Damn Abby Winters to hell with Club Satan. Now, I know that’s going to get me a spate of mail from rabid Abby Winters subscribers, but yes, Aussie girls are hot and real, and it’s different and neat and everyone’s having fun. Pubic hair is like, wow! Awww, koala bears. I forgot what it looked like. And hey — at least I’m not making fun of the fonts anymore! See! Nice Violet! But… the cute girl on the cover is not in the film. HUGE faux pas. I want the girl and the scene on the cover. Gimme! And — bad lighting overall, long solo masturbation scenes that had me leave to go play my two favorite seasons of Buffy and then come back before a single scene was over, and… rinse, repeat. Maybe I’m all jaded and just can’t watch a girl jack off anymore. Maybe I should just pack up my pussy and go home. Except I’m already here, begging my pussy not to leave me after watching More Real Orgasms and Club Satan. Please stay, pussy!

8. Triple Ecstasy The best porn film of the year. I’m almost speechless on this one. Still can’t get past the first scene without having to go buy batteries. The girl-girl scene melted a hole in my iBook’s screen, the cinematography and editing are fucking fantastic, the chemistry is off the scale and the sex is real, real, real. The music is great, too (Chemical People!) Hotties include Kimberly Kane, Audrey Hollander, Charlotte Stokely, Princess Donna, Mr. Marcus. And my crush of the year, Pixie Pearl. (O noes! I see on her stats page that Pixie and I can never be. She is also a Virgo. It’ll never work out. Sigh.)

9. Born in a Barn The director of this documentary sent me a copy, and it’s a pretty amazing doc on human animal pony play — the real stuff, not just the glammy girls in rubber bridles and hooves that populate the internet ponyverse. I just made that phrase up. I can haz sugarcube?

10. Sex Mannequin One of my all-time favorite directors of fetish noir, Maria Beatty, made this really sexy fetish video, where a femme domme kisses and licks a sexy mannequin to life, and they play, play, play. There is a lot of panty action; much through-the-cotton pussylicking, and the rope bondage is light, clever and picturesque. My pal Michelle Aston assistant directed (yay!). I’ll admit that I didn’t totally get into this one because one of the performers looks so much like a former lover of mine as to be distracting — but the fisting scene is well worth the price of admission if you like fisting and ejaculation. It’s the most intense — yet tender — fisting scene I’ve ever seen, and now I understand how this scene made it into a recent human sexuality class.