It’s been a long time since I’ve full-on reviewed a porn film, but I’ve watched Eon McKai’s Debbie Loves Dallas more than once now — alone, and with Hacker Boy — and I’m still thinking about the snark, laughing about the fucking relevant and hilarious jokes, and kinda way too turned on by Dana DeArmond. For her brains. She’s a star to reckon with. And the guys are hot. OMG — they’re not hot hacker boys (my flava), but *damn*…

First off, I was so excited when I heard that Debbie Loves Dallas (Vivid link + trailer; HD, all region codes) wasn’t going to be yet another porn remake of the same old theme (I was worried because it’s from mainstream Vivid, and my friend Eon directed it but I still wasn’t sure it would be for *me* and mine, if you know what I mean. But — in the trailer, “We’ve kind of fallen off that path. Okay?”) It turned out to be a funny, hot, and carefully layered porn film. And now, any chance I can get to watch uber-hot Dana DeArmond licking the nearest available object while she’s being fucked deliciously hard, is just a chance I must take. I do it for you. Below is a full review.

Debbie Loves Dallas is all about porn starlet Debbie and her sexy porn girlfriends having a race to see who can “get to” and fuck MC frontman “Punky” (of the band Dallas), a dorky (though big-dicked) Napoleon Dynamite of a dude. But while the story takes place in “Porn Valley”, the film itself — and the chemistry-laden sex, snarkily-subtle acting, and hot natural bodies of the girls *and guys* is far, far and away from typical Porn Valley offerings.

The film continually mocks itself, porn, and celebrity, and manages to be laugh-out-loud-funny and a hyooge turn-on all at once. The first sex scene sets the tone for the intensity of the fucking for the rest of the film — which is intense — and cracks us up at the same time. The girls have gone from yawning their way through a porn shoot for “Smells Like Teen Pussy” to hitting up the local “mr.hookup” (”The Deez”, played perfectly by Tommy Pistol) for access to Dallas. (Incidentally, “The Deez” is a term used by a number of rappers referring to police, feds, dea, and other law enforcement agencies. “Yo, toss the joint the deez is coming!”) The Deez sells everything, and subtle commentary about even our current attitudes about file sharing seeps throughout the film as evidenced in one of Deez’s lesser lines where he brags about all the stuff and drugs he can get and sell, but “music — I give music for free.”

The scene holds no pretense when DeArmond stays behind for a screw with The Deez. But like all the other sex scens in DLD, we’re fully engaged; between their insanely hot fuck and moments where The Deez smacks Dana’s gorgeous little tits with his fat cock saying, “The Deez is very angry with your titties” — and DeArmond replies, somehow sweet and nasty all at once with a giggle, “The Deez is *so* not angry at my titties right now…” It made me laugh and want mimic the hot onscreen action.

The edits are clever and narrate the internal and external worlds of the characters, even when they’re playing sport fucking games — whether the sweaty and delicious two girls on three guys at the recording studio, the two-girl blowjob competition to get past a security guard or the cute and slippery three-girl scene that nearly ends when one girl tries to playfully flee and turns into a laughing, tit-slapping game of “make her come”.

The viewer is never bored, or disappointed with what’s onscreen, and the performers are — for once — almost all totally fuckable. It’s not altporn, and it’s not going to fit in any category, porn or otherwise. It’s *awesome*, fun, brilliantly ironic, original, nasty-hot sex, Dana is unbelievably amazing with fucking and irreverent line delivery, one of the (hot) male porn stars (and for once, again this film has hothothot guys) has an Aqua Teen Hunger Force tattoo on his *hip*. That kind of says it all… It’s formula without the formula, and goddamn the girls are *getting off*. I haven’t been this excited by a porn film in a long time. It’s porn as porn, no bullshit about “now we have sex” yet funny when it happens, and makes fun of porn without being stupid; it’s crazy-smart. the editing is tight and really interesting. (Compelling, actually; the editing is fantastic narrative for the sex, which is off the charts hot. Thigh-clenching, for this reviewer). And what’s great is that it’s beyond alt; the performers look like that hot guy or girl at the free wifi cafe but sans the current sellout version of “altporn” current tropes, if you know what I mean.

Wow. It’s just been a long time since I’ve been excited about (non-online) porn again. I don’t know where to send you to buy or rent it yet because it just came out, but look for it. I’ll post if any reliable carriers I know pick it up.

Blame the rant/review/self-disclosure on the fact that yes, DLD led to hot sex at least once, and it’s been a late night with Campari and a good friend on the phone for a few hours, one who lives way too far from me. I’m so glad Eon slipped me a copy of his new film. It feels like we’re all doing good work we believe in, and it shows.