August 2007

Published with permission, names changed to protect the defilers of the sacred phone innocent. (Image via; get more here and here.) More after the jump — they really get it on. As it happened:

SW: kt: lets have iphone secks
SW: yours has a female condom on already
kt: ok
kt: no
kt: I took it off
SW: oh
SW: shit
kt: I want to live on the edge
SW: well
SW: we can go barescreen
kt: mmm
kt: well, I have a screen protector on
SW: warming lube?
kt: i guess that’s like a dental dam or something
SW: heh
SW: only 94% effective like VCF
SW: its been on for at least 15 mins right?
kt: yea yea
SW: kk
SW: lets do it baby yeah
SW: show me your ipod app
SW: oh yes
SW: coverflow me!
SW: let me put in my contacts list
kt: uhhh
kt: jammm
kt: that “uhhh” was supposed to be a “sexy” uhh , not a “uhhh, what the fuck are you doing to my cat and why are your pants off?” uhhh
kt: sorry if that was unclear.
SW: ok
SW: mmm
SW: what next baby
kt: baby, let’s put this hot shit on youtube
SW: oh yeah
kt: it’s against the TOS, but it’s so fuckin’ hot, I want the whole world to see
SW: oh baby i’m transcoding! i’m all the way in h.264
kt: fuck ya, that’s hot
SW: oh yeah
kt: HD doesn’t only stand for high-def
SW: we’re on wifi
SW: so we can use that big rock hard pipeline
SW: stream all that data deep inside your buffers
kt: oooh, I hope someone sniffs my packets
* SW licks packets

[SATISFY your CURIOSITY and CONTINUE READING…]

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It has all the right keywords… except this Violet disagrees about the blowjob part.

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Image: Macworld (nee Moscone) is not on the list. You all know how I feel about Macworld.

I’m getting sweet *and* unflinchingly mean email about this one. Whatever. I was just having fun. In the SFO stall. By myself. Really. Anyway, here’s a snip from the middle of my Chron/SF Gate column this week, The Ten Worst Places to Have Sex in San Francisco:

6. Any street not on Google Street View (yet)

Go to Google Street View for San Francisco. Go to Streetviewr, which collects “interesting” Street View moments. If it’s not on Street View yet, it will be at any moment, so unless you want to become a Street View porn star, stick to streets already mapped. Think about it.

5. Capp and 17th

When I park my car there, the girls run up, see I’m also a girl, then wave and smile before moving on about their business. And I don’t think they’re collecting for the Stop AIDS Dining Out for Life fund. They know it’s smarter to conduct their business elsewhere, and you should, too. Oh, the ambiance!

4. Sir Francis Drake Hotel rooms

Even if you’re so out of your mind with lust that you’re ready to hand over your plastic at the Drake for a tumble between their fugtastical sheets, know that you can replicate the experience you’re about to have thusly: Get really aroused. Take 10 hits of acid and watch a Cirque Du Soleil video for five hours straight while trying to masturbate wrapped in a pirate-themed Bed Bath and Beyond Bed in a Bag. Throw up on the walls. Cry. Pass out. Wake up wearing the outfit of a footman for a horse-drawn carriage and swear on your life that you are going to shrink-wrap your genitals A.S.A.P.

3. The sidewalk in front of my apartment during Folsom Weekend

Or Pink Saturday. Or Halloween. (Thankfully, this year will be spooge- and spent-shell-casing-free.) Yes, I live in the Castro, but just because we have a rep for sexual tolerance does not mean we want you to use our lovely, topiary-festooned, clean doorways as your personal, one-stop, grope’n'poke. And yes, that also means you hets, whom I’ve seen doing this way more than the boys. Get a room. A tasteful one.

2. IKEA

OK, so it’s technically not in The City, but if trips to Emeryville, the scent of Swedish meatballs and being surrounded by furniture thrust together with all those little wooden pegs in holes gets your motor going, IKEA’s your fetish fantasyland. But honestly, when a warehouse contains an acre of hidey-holes that virtually scream Scandinavian bordello theme rooms, it’s tough not to want to try out a little bouncy-bouncy on the Bedktig — or in the Showeraaaaang. However, you will most certainly get tossed by security by the time you set up your Love Swing in the Fjelldal.

Link.

Coincidental side note: I helped a friend assemble a Fjelldal bed last night. It’s totally sturdy enough for a sex sling.

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It’s a classic: her profile said 18, in reality she was 14, he had sex with her and got caught and tried to blame the website for not policing its members. But a federal judge in Ohio ruled it’s not the website’s fault (in a 29-page ruling). A much more eloquent analysis is over at Ars Technica (though the author is sadly afraid of the word “sex”), snip:

Be careful when hooking up with other “adults” online – even if they say they’re 18, you’ll be the one in hot water if they turn out to be 14 instead. That’s the opinion of a federal judge in Ohio, who dismissed a suit last week against SexSearch.com, a web site that hosts personals ads by people who are looking for sex. The plaintiff, who went by John Doe due to the very personal nature of the suit, accused the site and its owners of negligent misrepresentation, fraud, and breach of warranty, but Judge Jack Zouhary ruled that the site and its alleged transgressions were protected under the 1996 Communications Decency Act.

It all goes back to 2005, when Doe became a paying member of SexSearch.com in order to find… well, you know. He eventually met another paying member on the site, a woman who is named in the court documents as Jane Roe. Roe had completed her profile on the site with a recent and authentic picture, a birth date that indicated that she was over 18, and a statement that she was looking for someone “who could last for a long time.” The two eventually decided to meet, with Doe going over to Roe’s abode in November of 2005 to engage in… well, you know.

Things were all well and good, and the two had even lost contact after a short period of time. Until one night a month later, that is, when Doe found his house surrounded by police—it turned out that Roe was merely 14. Doe was arrested and charged with three separate accounts of unlawful sexual conduct with a minor, and he currently faces up to 15 years in prison as well as a lifetime registration as a sexual offender. Doe was publicly named for engaging in sexual relations with a minor, which he said ruined his reputation as a law-abiding citizen and caused him to lose his job. All in all, Doe’s case sounds like the worst nightmare of almost anyone who has searched for a “casual” relationship with someone online.

Doe’s complaint places blame for the entire series of events on the shoulders of SexSearch.com, which he says misrepresented itself by displaying the phrase “all persons within this site are 18+.” Since SexSearch.com also reserved the right to modify member profiles that it believed to be misleading or underage, Doe said that it was negligent and deceptive since it allowed Roe’s profile and photo to remain on the site. Basically, if the site had discovered Roe’s real age and subsequently prevented her from posting on the site, none of this would have ever happened.

Link. (thanks, Praemedia!)

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I am about to shriek with laughter. Oh crap, now I’m crying with giggles. Nervous twitchers beware! I better run down to the Castro and tell the guys that semaphore is *so* last year’s airport restroom. Snip from ABC News’ Secret Signals: How Gay Men Cruise for Sex:

While many Americans may only be vaguely familiar with the idea of “cruising,” there is a secret world of sex between men that exists in public places across the country.

The police officer who arrested Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, in a men’s restroom at the Minneapolis airport for allegedly looking to engage in gay sex wrote in his June report that he “recognized a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.”

Craig tapped his foot up and down and swiped his hand underneath the bathroom stall in which the undercover cop was sitting, according to the police report.

Those actions led to Craig’s arrest by Detective Dave Karsnia and the senator’s guilty plea to a disorderly conduct charge. Craig told reporters today that he did nothing inappropriate and said his guilty plea was a mistake.

Public places like men’s restrooms, in airports and train stations, truck stops, university libraries and parks, have long been places where gay and bisexual men, particularly those in the closet, congregate in order to meet for anonymous sex.

Over time, people familiar with cruising told ABCNEWS.com, gay men began using a codified system of signals to indicate to others that they were interested in sex. In an effort to curb lewd acts in public – or as some gays argue, in an effort to persecute gay men – undercover police began sting operations in places known for sex soliciting and employed the same codes.

Link.

See also: Larry Craig Ruins Hot Public Sex For The Rest Of Us and ya know, I told ya so.

Update: my dear friend Lori Selke tells me, “(…) the actions Larry
Craig is described as taking follow almost *exactly* the procedure described
in Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask. Just
thought you might be amused to know…”.

That book was originally published in 1969! (Most recent printing, 2000.) Oh, and I’m sure you’ve seen it, but don’t miss the ABC Larry Craig ‘gay signals’ reenactment (video by local news team), with a woman carefully placed in the middle as the literal wall of heterosexual reinforcement. Or to fulfill my hot news anchor woman-gloryhole fantasies. Not sure which.

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