As seen on Fleshbot and other media outlets last week, the results of a study about sexual motivations started to hit the wires; the psychologists thankfully eschewed the typical “biological imperative” argument and really dug into people’s reasons for fucking. I have no idea how diverse their definitions of sex were, nor if they only sampled heterosexuals, but it was interesting nonetheless — and deserving of more comment. Justin Park at Men’s Health felt the same way, and came up with a nice response to the study (and media surrounding it) in Why Do You Have Sex? He interviewed me for the piece, and with his permission I’ve included the entire, original email interview after the jump. The article itself is mini, but the interview went into more than we’d thought, and it was a nice afternoon of sex nerdiness for both of us. Here’s the Men’s Health snip:
Why do you have sex?”
The question sounds a lot like, “Why are you breathing?”
But University of Texas researchers posed it to more than 400 people ages 17 to 52 in an effort to catalogue human motivations for doing the deed.
They got the mundane:
“I was attracted to the person.”
The metaphysical:
“I wanted to feel closer to God.”
The manipulative:
“I wanted to break up someone’s relationship.”
The titillating:
“I wanted to act out a fantasy.”
And the sad:
“I wanted to be popular.”
Plus over 200 more reasons that are alternately funny, pathetic, touching, and even criminal.
Link.
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(Justin Park)> The authors said that they conducted the study because previous researchers
> thought the reasons for having sex were obvious. As a sex writer, do you see
> this assumption (in the media or general public) that people’s motivations
> for having sex are simplistic and obvious?
(Violet Blue) Not just in sex writing but in media attitudes in general, I’ve found
the assumptions about people’s motivations for sex to be overly
simplistic, and by that token, very dated. It surprises me constantly
to come across journalists and pundits who believe that people have
sex exclusively for two basic reasons: biological imperative and love.
When in fact, the reasons for sex are complex — and one of the
biggest reasons, pleasure, isn’t ever part of their equation. And that
their definition of valid “sex” is always limited to male-female
vaginal intercourse.
I got in a long argument with the editor of Playboy a while back about
whether or not women actually like to watch porn for their own
pleasure (they do). He said he didn’t think they (we) did because it
wasn’t our biological imperative to do so. Which shows how entrenched
people’s ideas are about sex for pleasure, outside of romantic love or
procreation.
But after studying human sexuality and researching/writing about
everything from women’s porn habits to the fringiest of sexual
fetishes, I’ll state that for every primary reason a person has for
engaging in sex, you’ll find a couple more motivations in line right
behind that one.
> The study offers up this taxonomy of sex motivation factors to try to
> categorize them all. They suggest four main categories: Physical (pleasure,
> stress relief, etc.), Emotional (love, commitment, expression), Goals
> (status, revenge), Insecurity (self-esteem boost, duty). The authors admit
> that it’s probably incomplete or inadequate. I’m wondering if you see any
> room for improvement/expansion.
It’s certainly incomplete, but it’s refreshing to see a more complex
array than “making babies” or romantic love. I think the biggest thing
I see missing from their categories is “Intellectual”. Many, many
people have sex — or try new things sexually — out of curiosity. And
sport: competition, satisfaction, achievement. Porn performers have
sex for work, but on a personal level for most of them it’s a sport on
and off the clock. Also, for the significant number of people with
sexual fetishes (from mild to wild), it satisfies them intellectually
on many levels. And let’s add to the emotional list — comfort.
remember 9/11 sex? And don’t forget duty. People will have sex because
they think they should, or it’s part of their responsibilities.
> What are some counter-intuitive, non-obvious reasons that people have sex in
> your experience?
As an expression of grief. To look cool for their friends. To stay
with their partner (infidelity: getting it “out of their system”).
> The study also found that men and women share most of the common motivations
> for having sex such as “I was attracted to the person” and “I wanted to
> please my partner.” The researcher downplayed the differences (men cited
> more purely physical reasons). Do you think that there is more common ground
> than differences between the sexes when it comes to why we have sex?
Absolutely — sex feels good and makes us feel good about ourselves
(hopefully, when it’s good), which is why it can get us in so much
trouble. I’ve been working really hard to dispel myths about women
having lower sex drives than men, about women not responding to sexual
imagery the same as men do, about women not being physically driven
toward sexual pleasure.
It’s like all the notions of women not enjoying sex or being capable
of seeking pleasure for its own sake are still lingering. None of this
has been proven, and in my experience as an educator, forum moderator,
writer and researcher, women are on pretty equal ground when it comes
to physical sexual desire, and men by and large seem to seek sex for
emotional reasons just as much as women do. Men love to please their
partners and love to be loved, and sex is part of that for many men.
I think a lot of the assumptions about women’s sexuality — physical
desire and satisfaction, specifically — come from ignorance about
anatomy and female sexual function. Guys do it because everyone knows
it feels good for *them*, right? Girls do it because they have to, or
so it goes until we learn about sexual pleasure in female anatomy and
not just reproduction. But not so much anymore for us women; just see
what’s happening online with women discovering their sexuality — and
catching up to men in terms of porn consumption, which until the
Internet, was largely inaccessible to us as a gender. Let’s see if
media punditry will catch up with the rest of us in the next decade.
> Also curious what you think of people using sex to reach goals (revenge,
> mate poaching, gain status, keep a partner) rather than just fulfill
> physical or emotional needs and desires. Are there times when it’s okay to
> use sex as a tool or is it always manipulative/wrong?
Assigning “right” or “wrong” to sexual motivations when both parties
are consenting is tricky. However, misrepresentation, or behaving
fraudulently for the purpose of having sex, or achieving sexual goal,
is a pretty serious transgression. Having sex to hurt someone is also
quite lame; seems to me if you really get off hurting people you could
be a dominatrix or a bill collector, and turn that pathology into a
functional one. I certainly wouldn’t confuse using sex as a tool with,
say having sex to get closer to someone, or as part of a transaction
(like sex work, or to get a job).
But, you can’t exploit the willing, if you know what I mean — someone
having sex for status gain might be making their status tool very,
very happy. What’s important is that everyone’s consenting about the
motivations if it’s sex with a desired outcome.
