I’ll confess that I’ve been writing about pegging all the ding-dong day and am absolutely, totally punchy — but Scott just sent me this post (via Digg) about christian sex toy site, My Beloved’s Garden. Set apart because it’s marketed specifically toward sexed-up christians and claims to be devoid of “pornographic pictures or language”, it also has a WWJD (WWJF?) sex advice section. And while comments on other blogs are all like, how sex-negative and saying how this keeps christians sexually shamed by candy-coating the realities of sexual material (they are right) — I simply cannot stop laughing. And what’s more, I am indeed devouring the hee-larry-ous text as though it were — yes, pornography. I can’t stop reading and laughing. Dig the photoshopped bathing suits on the packages! Pure comedy!

I mean, you have to love sections like “IS SEXUALLY EXSPLICIT MATERIAL O.K?” (no, and neither is spell check) and their biblical bottom lines about “good” and “bad” sex acts boggles and elicits giggles: so, god is totally down with oral sex, anal sex (they say it’s okay even if homos do it but they think it’s still really dangerous and you’ll need surgery if you do it too much), masturbation isn’t really all that okay, but adult nursing (!?) is just fine. God will smite your lusciously lubed ass for: having a fetish, trying S/M (don’t smite each other! don’t smite yourself!), porn, and all the usual things like enjoying anything on the “okay” list a little too much.

Oh, but it’s totally cool to buy sex toys. It’s basically your garden-variety, sell-the-worst-kind-of-toys online sex shop. They actually sell Thunder Balls, but contrary to my overactive imagination, there’s no bearded guy extending a finger from the clouds depicted on the packaging. Bummer. Actually, the bummer here is that they sell almost every unsafe sex product on the market. Anal numb-ers, dick desensitizers, vaginal shrink creams. And the advice for women about sex is damning, if not just damn depressing.

A little nonjudgmental sex information goes a long way — and with some of the products, it’s the short way to the ER. Christians should have hot sex, that much is sure, as everyone should; but they should also have safe sex.

Image via Fetish by Anna