I just registered to attend the Podcast and Portable Media Expo at the end of the month. It looks like The Learning Annex Donald Trump Real Estate Wealth Expo, but for podcasting. But, like, omigawd, all my friends are going! Well, okay, all my friends I never met in person. And I am not ‘invited’ to go or anything like that. I just registered as — Occupation: ‘wetware hacker’; Kind of podcaster: ‘iTunes’ redheaded stepchild’; Reason to attend expo: ‘to crash it’; Heard about it from: ‘inebriated videobloggers’. And I just got my reg number — starting with 666. This is so perfect. I’m going to bring another troublemaker with me, and we’ll podcast/videoblog the whole thing. I will call this person my lawyer. I am also going to bring roofies to use on the Blip.tv guys, a very expensive and delicious inebriant, federally prohibited fuel injected lubricant, and a piece of toast that looks a little like Adam Curry. I mean, one look at the website and it’s definitely a bring-your-own-party party. Seriously. Learning. Annex.

My schedule at the PME:
* show up, huff Lemon Pledge from a thigh-high stocking, begin recording audio
* heckle Leo Laporte
* slap a Laughing Squid sticker on his back when he turns around in an angry huff
* meander aimlessly telling anyone who will listen that I have “7 Proven Strategies to Monetize Your Podcast in 30 Days or Less” in my pants
* find beercasters
* use knowledge gleaned from the ‘godcasters’ PME forum and find their meetup; begin the praise jesus barf bonanza from fuel attained in beercasters’ private coolers, videoblog entire scene from start to finish while explaining I bring the immortal gift of vomit to godcasting
* wander back to expo while vicodin kicks in; display buttocks to Microsoft/AMD Blogger Lounge and passing conference attendees while bragging about being a judge for the Vloggies
* find beers stashed earlier in the day
* heckle Andrew Michael Baron about quality of porn on Rocketboom; demand to hump his wooden leg
* wonder loudly where all the hot babes are
* ask if I can take a nap at the Libsyn booth; when denied, realize that by expo standards I am a “hobbyist”, weep openly
* commence after party

Update: I now have a lawyer who instructs me, “as your lawyer, i advise you to add some sort of rubber microphone protector to your arsenal. and look out for hitchhikers. with irivers. ok, i am now officially attending in order to ‘represent’ and i heard about this shindig from ‘wasted podshow staffers last year.’

it promised me ‘attendee tools.’ i believe we’ll have those in abundance.”