Sick of crappy porn? Me too. If I have to sit through another body-by-Barbie production where the chicks’ boobs look like those Alien face-huggers about to burst out and kill me, going through the same old boring sex positions and jackass sex acts, I’m going to drive the V1 to Silicone Valley and reduce it to an oozing melted glop of unsafe sex toys and cheap stripper shoes.

Which is why I feel it’s my civic duty to tell you about two things: the deadline for submissions to HUMP! and erotic photographer Samantha Wolov’s call for couples. I want you to make love to the camera for me.

HUMP! is Seattle-based The Stranger’s amateur porn contest, and it’s become quite a phenomenon. Last year they screened to totally sold-out shows and got tons of press — and really put the popularity of independent, DIY porn on the map. You see, everyone knows that most porn sucks, and not in the way we like sucking. It doesn’t look like sex — when we watch stuff that turns us on in mainstream porn, it’s because our brains are parsing out the bits we like and editing out the bits we don’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if we liked *all* of what we saw? Well, mainstream porn distributors dictate what comprises the content of commercially available porn. These guys have set formulas of what they think should be in every porn movie — definitions, and mindset, that is deeply flawed due to their antiquated ideas about what’s sexy and how sex *should* be. They’re totally out of touch with what consumers really want to see, and how the rest of the world is having hot sex. That’s why HUMP! is important — and why, if you have a camera with video function and something like iDVD or even QuickTime Pro, you should do your part in tossing Barbie on the bonfire.

The deadline for video submissions is August 21. Read their guidelines; the videos only need be a few minutes long. Yes, there are prizes — a trip to Vegas for the AVN Awards (and if I go this year, I want to have cocktails with the winners), and $2000 cash! w00t!

And for couples, there’s more. My very first video podcast — way back in November ‘05, ulp — featured the erotic photography of the sublimely talented Samantha Wolov. Now she’s moved from DC to San Francisco and her work is being used on book covers (including my upcoming Best Women’s Erotica 2007 and another as-yet unannounced book of mine). Samantha emailed me today looking for couples who love sex and would enjoy having that captured on camera.

She tells me, “i’m absolutely open to any and all types of people and sex acts, but my only requests are that a.) everyone be over 18, b.) nothing be illegal (no sheep, for example), and c.) they be comfortable having their identities shown (i.e. faces). gay, straight, bi, pansexual, heteroflexible, two people, 10 people, it’s all fine by me. people can email me and ask as many questions as they’d like, and i’ll try to be as open and helpful as i can. the photos are about the couple, so i don’t have any specific requests for what kind of shots i take, i just want to capture people who obviously love sex and are very into their partner(s).”

Samantha’s email is samantha@his.com — check out her hothothot galleries at samantha wolov; new work can be seen on her blog Nekkid with a Camera. Photo via Samantha Wolov.