Thomas sends me hipsterotica, which is brilliant, snip:

“You take off your silk screen Bansky tee and leave it on the vintage arne jacobsen chair. You turn up brooklyn vegans sirius radio set-Cloud Cult is on. We sprawl out on the rug we bought at the Renegade Craft Fair a while back–it was my favorite part of our apartment until Urban Outfitters started making rugs exaclty like it 6 months later for their “urban” home furnishings section. The TV is on mute, but MythBusters is on the discovery channel– flickering light into the apartment. It still smells like vegan BBQ in here from the food you made last night. I love your vegan non-dairy organic style cooking. You are like the Sufjan of the culinary world–but you never give yourself any credit. I walk over to the window to try and feel a breeze because the heat in the city is unbearable. You come up behind me and trace your finger up my leg–Disco Sheets by Wolf Parade comes on. You finger fuck me as people pass by on the street below. I turn around to kiss you. I take off your diesel jeans and you bend me over, my tits hitting the window screen–we fuck while Talking Heads “Heaven” starts to play on the radio. I close my eyes and wonder if anyone is watching us..”

Substitute Renegade Craft Fair for Maker Faire and suddenly I feel skewered…

My pals at YesButNoButYes email to tell me about “a new piece we have up - part gonzo journalism, part erotic fiction, as we go undercover in the online world of Second Life, and discover the pleasures of the virtual ladies of the night. The piece is called ‘The Best Little Whorehouses in Second Life‘. With graphic pictures…”

Well, except for the annoying black censor bars on the important bits… Still — awesome! I’m so glad someone finally did this. Update: Jonno reminds me there was a similar writeup specifically about SL escorts early this year.

Wow, the response to my Chronicle news* is overwhelming and humbling! For instance…

The blogs: Xeni at Boing Boing posts Meet the SF Chron’s new sex columnist: blogger Violet Blue * Scott Beale at Laughing Squid posts Violet Blue, The New Sex Columnist For The SF Chronicle * Jonno at Fleshbot pings me softly in the Morning Wood * Poor Mojo Newswire posts Violet Blue now writing a sex column at the Chron! * Mark Pritchard at Metroblogging San Francisco posts Metroblogger cracks MSM: Violet Blue to Chronicle * SFist: mad props in the Bay Area Blog Round-Up * Blogebrity Violet Blue Joins Phil Bronstein’s Team * Starked San Francisco says nice things in Talk of the Town: Hump Day (these are all positive: please send me negative links if you find them ’cause I’ll post those, too)

My inbox is flooded with all kinds of wet sticky bloggy love! Dig a sampling of the hotties who hit ’send’ and made me blush:

* Sean Bonner “YEA!!! congrats on the official announcement. w00t!!!!”
* Clayton James Cubitt “Congrats on your new column — Pervette…”
* sex podcastress Melissa Gira “OMG, congrats on the Chron gig, that’s so fabulous! Do us proud!”
* Chris Gimelli from the Chronicle and SFGate “in the immortal and cliched words of the intertubes “I for one, welcome our new hyper-sexy sex columnist sex overlady”(…) I’ll dispense with the usual ‘welcome aboard’ BS and just say that I think it’s smashing that Phil had the brains and balls to woo you into the job and that he’s giving you free rein. So what if you *do* offend 88% of the staff? Rest assured that the remaining 12% (of which I am squarely, firmly and proudly a member of) are rooting for you. (…) So yeah, bring the sexy.”
* Cyrus Farivar from Engadget “Congrats! You’re totally awesome and I definitely will be reading your columns in the future. :)”
* Bre Pettis from Make Magazine “Congrats on your chronicle gig going public!”
* LeE from NPR “Super Duper Congratulations on your new gig… that’s fucking Crazy!!!! You now move from “favorite local celebrity” status to “hero” status with this move..at least for me. I will be sending you a super hero cape post haste.”
* Charles Russo, SF Bay Guardian “Congrats on the new job at the Chronicle. Pretty impressive. I can’t quite shake this high idealism for both the city of San Francisco and the field of Journalism, so its nice to see things fall into their right place. Thursdays then….”
* Eve from SFist “They are so lucky to have you! Looking forward to seeing how you shake things up over there.”
* Rachel Kramer Bussel of Lusty Lady and Village Voice “Violet! Congratulations! That is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME news about the Chronicle. I’m so so happy for you and can’t wait to read the first one. I shall buy you a celebratory cupcake for sure.”
* Regina Lynn “Wooo hooooo! Congratulations on the new gig! That’s awesome. Looking forward to reading it. :)”
* from France, Olivier Mevel from Nabaztag “Congratulations from the french rabbit! … for your new job at SF Chronicle!”
* my friend Adam, from London “Congrats on the new job and finally being able to go public. Fuck, old media is slow eh?”
* evil bunny “I am wearing black satin panties, red sparkle nail polish, and nothing else, in your honor. You. Rock.”
* Sabrina Morgan “I just wanted to say congrats on the Chronicle gig - and especially for doing it “your way.” I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.
* Diary of An Unrepentant Sex Addict “OMG!! WTF!! (My luck, the net-n00b-ish subject line will trigger a spam filter :-) CONGRADULATIONS! This is so amazingly cool!”
* Richard Kadrey “Congratulations! I saw the mention of your new gig on boing-boing’s site. The only downside for people like me is having to look at the Chronicle again. The horror… The horror…”
* Tony Comstock of Comstock Films “Congrats on your new gig with The Chronicle. You’ll be a great addition to the paper. You’re worked very hard for a very long time and taken risks that would send most people running. What’s more you’ve made it work. Very few people can do that; very few even try.”
* Craig from Tangents “WOW, The SF Chronicle! Check you out!! You will totally rock their worlds.”
* Paul Sarkis “Many, many kudos on scoring the SF columnist gig! You can’t see it, but I’m totally lifting up my shirt and flashing my erect man-nipples at you!”
* Thomas Roche, being strangely sedate “Congrats on the Chronicle gig — I’m thrilled it came through!”
* Viviane’s Sex Carnival “The fucking SF Chronicle! That is the awesomenest!”
* Gram Ponante “I just read of your new columnisthood. That makes me very happy. Not only is traditional media deliciously retro, but it pays. I like people I like to get paid for what they do. Now go demand a raise.”
* Paul Joannides “I’m very proud of you! You’ve worked very hard and this is really, really good news.”

And there’s much, much more… If I could fill a room with all this email I’d swim around in it wearing nothing but 8″ black shiny fetish heels. Thank you!!!!

* Clarification: I will be writing for the Chronicle empire, but for now we have not agreed that it will be old-fashioned analog RSS, meaning this is a web-only column. For the Chronicle. Which is (online) the SFGate. Even though they have a Gate/Chronicle page… uh, confused? Don’t worry, all of you will read it online anyway and I’ll have a smoothly shaved RSS feed for your reading pleasure.

It’s official. I’m now the sex columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle.

Not just ‘plucked’ from the blogosphere to freelance for a 141-year-old mainstream media institution; Phil Bronstein hand-selected me to be their frontline sex writer, with a column and everything that comes with it. I just got home from the Chronicle building — today was the final meeting with the PR department, and to set the launch date (I wore my Laughing Squid shirt to the meeting). At one point David Wiegand said, “We’re just making sure it’s okay before we plaster your face on buses.” I don’t remember my reaction to this, though my memory tells me I shrieked like a little girl and ran in tight little circles with clenched fists tight against my sides in the middle of the circled chairs of Chron/SFGate staff. I think I actually said “yikes” in an extremely composed way. I’m pretty sure he was teasing. Ulp.

My column launches on September 21, the day before my birthday. It will be every thursday, and I’ll have an RSS feed for you to subscribe to. The Chronicle is planning all kinds of crazy publicity for the launch, and the column is called “violet blue: open source sex”. Nothing else will change; my blogging, my work, my snarkiness torwad MSM and the Chron, none of it. Yay!

I am, in fact, totally freaking out right now. This was the big news I’ve been alluding to for the past few weeks. If you want to hear the whole story, what I’m up against, how important I feel this is for local sex culture and online media, how fierce my deal is with them and what I think about being a blogger writing for a paper I’m extremely critical of, it’s all after the jump.

Update: the response to this has been so overwhelming I’m putting comments and blog posts in a chorus of lethal machines sing congratulations.

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Yup, I brought it. Open Source Sex #44 has an audio and a video slideshow version, and both are textcasts! My first textcast (last episode) was great and got a lot of positive feedback.

I still don’t know if anyone else is doing this besides Slate; when listening to the podcast, click the center of your iPod’s trackwheel three times to read the story along with me. Listeners wrote in last time to tell me this works with their older iPods as well, yay!

This is an exciting podcast for many reasons; not only is it a textcast and there are audio and video versions, but I was inspired to go all multimedia crazy thanks to Ernest Greene (editor of Hustler’s Taboo Magazine and my fave S/M director) and Nina Hartley, whose upcoming film O: The Power of Submission looks to be an incredible, modern hardcore retelling of the Story of O — all about female submission. They sent me early cuts of the film so I could see if I liked it (I do, a lot), and a bunch of stills that I’ve used in my podcast’s video version as an ongoing slideshow during my reading of N.T. Morley’s story, The New Fiancee. Special thanks to Ernest for everything, and to N.T. Morley for the story sent at my request just for this fun episode. Text from my podcast page, and links to episodes, follow. Snip:

A very special female submission episode, thanks to an exclusive story from N.T. Morley *and* exclusive, just-for-us images from my friends Ernest Greene and Nina Hartley’s new movie, othepowerofsubmission.com. In Morley’s story The New Fiancee, a bride-to-be undergoes a very intense and decadent examination and a lesson in submission at the hands of a powerful dominant woman, and her husband-to-be joins in the activities. The first-time girl-girl theme is really fun here, especially in a dominant/submissive context. This story is a little more master-slave than the stories I usually read on Open Source Sex, but it’s a perfect fit for the very hot new Story of O movie “O The Power of Submission”, which Ernest worked really hard on and is so excited about he sent me rough cuts from the film (!); check out the trailer on their site.

Links: audio post * video post * m4v file direct download * MP3 file direct download * Open Source Sex on iTunes (get episodes on iTunes for full textcast versions)

A few sample stills after the jump!

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This is so exciting! Regular readers will remember a while back when I went to an all-male amateur strip night in Oakland, where hotties from the local art and music scenes stripped for an all-female audience, just for fun (”For The Ladies“). The clear highlight was my friend Mateo doing this incredibly sexy dance number; the other major highlight (for me) was the all-too-brief Harvey Birdman strip routine. I’m a big Birdman fan, so imagine my surprise when the Harvey Birdman (Adult Swim) people contacted me to ask if they could use my photos for an upcoming DVD they’re putting together! I jumped at the chance to see some hot Birdman action included in their new project and I agreed faster than Phil Ken Sebben can drop trou, ask to be called a pretty little girl, and fire Birdman (again). Last night I got a special delivery of a wonderful hand-written note of thanks and these two awesome gifts; I’m especially tickled because (as you may well know), many voices of this cartoon are done by Stephen Colbert, most especially the voice of dirty-hilarious Phil Ken Sebben. Le sigh.

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The images above belong to My Private Planet, which seems to be an unfinished site — I say that because some images have .com and .net, and I see there’s no .com for MPP in the tubes of the interweb. No matter, because I’ve spent a signifigant number of mental tangets on this site all weekend, lost in the images and wishing I was the subject in each and every one of them. Nicely done.

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And why not? Nothing to do on a friday night, and the Inchworm needed to have a hydraulic hose replaced. Actually, I made it there by 1pm, worked and did my Sirius radio interview from the back of the shop crouched in a quiet space next to a jet engine (live worldwide, from SRL!) — and then just kept working, even though I should have come home and worked on other stuff. I got home a little after midnight. For me, the machines are love, and love is what I needed. I hurt my hand, so typing is a little difficult; I might photoblog for a few days. I took photos of folly from my zenlike friday, seen after the jump.

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My pal Elvis sends me this link to a couple cool Flickr photosets of stripper Polaroids from what looks like the 1960s. These may not be the same Polaroids lost here in San Francisco recently, but the timing is certainly an interesting coincidence.

It seems I finally have a reason to start gaming again: new Xbox teledildonics. Kotaku tells us that the Xbox 360 now has cameras with video chat, and while chatting there is a command to make your chat-partner’s controller vibrate. Even though it takes holding down both triggers at once, making one-handed enjoyment complicated, it seems like this is just a few tiny hardware hacks away from being consumer-level teledildonics. It’s my theory that not being truly marketed as porn/sextoy/teledildonics will make it adapted by consumers quickly and easily.

And even though Kotaku is clearly squeamish about the Gawker rules of bloggy journalism and being publicly pervy (there is no line between the two; be loud, be proud; never talk about Gawker pervert journalist club) — and wanted to “do it” with a (koff, koff) Microsoft employee — you should really read the post. The comments are quite entertaining, too. Image via Slashdong, who has been working on this hack for a while now. Hello, MAKE: Dirty! I’m tellin’ ya. (Thanks, mojo!)

Looks like it will be fascinating. Porn teaches our culture a lot of things, that’s for certain — which is why in my new porn book I label nearly all of porn’s standard sex acts “Jackass sex”. Check out this interesting article over at the Guardian, Sex education, where Larry Clark shares his feelings about his documentary film that illustrates how porn affects the way our culture is learning to think about sex; Destricted, due out September 8. (Thanks, Adam!) Snip:

“Impaled, Clark’s 38-minute contribution to portmanteau art-porn project Destricted, now goes the whole way and shows a young man - selected from various lustful, or merely curious, hopefuls - fulfilling his dream of copulating with a porn actress. It is a disturbing work. Not because of the awkward, funny and downright messy sex between spacey porn star wannabe Daniel and a flirty fortysomething; but because of what Clark reveals about the pornification of the young men he auditions. Raised in a world where hardcore pornography is available, 24/7, at the click of a mouse button it is as if they are living in their personal adult movies. This time, even Clark was shocked.

“‘I was shocked and amazed,’ exclaims the lean and bearded 63-year-old, nursing a coffee. ‘This was an educational film for me, because I had no idea this was going on.’ When he asks the male applicants to disrobe for the camera, he discovers that most of them have removed all their pubic hair, just like porn stars. ‘It’s so weird,’ he says bemused. ‘When you’re a kid, pubic hair is the greatest thing in the world. Everybody loves pubic hair. You can’t wait to get it. And these kids, very young kids, are shaving it off. It’s like, what?’”

I just got one of the two advance copies of my next book The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys from the printer, and it looks amazing! Sex toys, bend over boyfriend, the best vibes for coming together, teledildonics, cam sex, sex machines, DIY porn howto’s… it’s all in there and fully illustrated! It’s shipping this week and you can pre-order it on Amazon. In the meantime my blog has been too quiet — I’m swamped with all the stuff I put off for the past few weeks; did a big interview with the Sex Is Fun podcast, with Playboy (print), this week still have Men’s Health and the Derek and Romaine Show, and still have to schedule a time with Maxim. Holy crap! This is crazy. It’s all about The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn, too… I’ll be up for air soon. I also have another podcast evolution to do, combining textcasting with another exclusive, extra-special porn treat with goodies from Ernest Greene and Nina Hartley. Hopefully I’ll get to that friday, so we all have something hot to enjoy over the weekend. But right now, I’m feeling a porn-watching defecit. If you are too, check out my latest Video Playpen post at Fleshbot, Assgasm.

For the ladies, of course: HOARD magazine’s Antonio Riello’s Ladies Weapons from 2001 are a-mazing…. and not just guns but bejeweled grenades! Bling my bomb, indeed. (Thanks pt!)

Update: the episode is up in iTunes and here is the direct episode link to launch iTunes and get your iPod suitably lubricated with the very first sextextcast!

I did it — a textcast! I think I might be the second podcast empire to do this; Slate did it in May and I wanted to copy them (and no, I’m not counting Make/Craft’s off da hook RSS-fu audio/video/PDF sewing pattern podcasting, it’s just sick). This is different. Basically, what I figured out is that a textcast is a podcast with an easter egg in the “information” field that allows people with newer iPods to scroll through a transcript of the podcast (or any other text I might want to put in the podcast). It took me a minute to figure out how Slate did it and tweak the RSS 2.0 nipples of my Libsyn interface to get it to work — but I did it!

So, Open Source Sex #43 is also a textcast. It’s still a petite MP3 audio file that features a super-hot story by Emilie Paris — Cast of Three, read from my first book Sweet Life: Erotic Fantasies For Couples. It is cute and hot and not too kinky, with a sly but slurpy-yummy blowjob, tense anal sex and a sweet three-way. *But* — if you have a newer iPod, while you listen to me read the story you can click on the center of your trackwheel three times until you get to the “information field” and read along with me. What’s great about this is that you’ll also basically have mobile, readable erotica in the palm of your hand. Imagine how much fun this is going to be; I plan on textcasting book excerpts, sex howto’s, and more. It’ll be like having sex book chapters in your pocket. Yay!

The caveats: this is the first one, and I’m totally doing this without a map so there are a few minor things I’ll have cleaned up by the next textcast. One, I grabbed the text from the author’s raw Word file and it has smartquotes — and then I was all like, someone get these motherfucking smartquotes off my motherfucking textcast! I fixed it in an update, so depending on how iTunes updates its files, you may or may not get the cleaned up version or the version with messy formatting. I’m a dork, and I’m sorry. The other caveat is that for now, the front page of my Libsyn podcast blog is clogged with a big chunk of text; Libsyn tells me they’re working on this for me, so it won’t be like this every time. And lastly, iTunes is a slug with new episodes, so unless you are already an Open Source Sex subscriber through iTunes, to get this as a textcast you’ll need to subscribe to my podcast via iTunes to have the new episode delivered (you can always unsubscribe right after; I’m not a subscriber ho and don’t make money off my podcast so I advocate cherry-picking episodes as you like. plus, I’m afraid of commitment in relationships, so I *understand* subscription-phobia).

So, here’s a link to launch iTunes: Open Source Sex. Here’s a link to the big, unweildy post with the transcript, and a direct link to the MP3 if you just want to grab it and go… And since I like late nights seeing how I can lube up and fluff my RSS 2.0, please do leave me comments and suggestions about this on my Libsyn podcast page. Image: from a birthday party I went to yesterday afternoon where I indulged my (increasingly sexual) cupcake fetish. Update: Scott Beale caught me mid-cupcakegasm.

Snakes on a Plane opens today (friday) — I shall now brag that I am going to a private screening in a rented movie theater with an open bar to see it. w00t! I have no date for this event — I have a date with the motherfucking snakes! I will take photos until alcohol impairs my motor functions, and then I will take video. Why? Because it is *the* gift that keeps on giving. Bad movies on contrived premises, heckling, whiskey and beer and possible weeping/model plane glue huffing will be the order of the day. It will be friday night and I will film anyone who gives me a titty flash. Chances are high that the crazy tit flasher will be myself, in which case I will film it, upload it in a reckless drunken stupor while screaming “snaaakes” at my Apple cinema display until my gay downstairs neighbors flee for the ‘quiet’ neighborhood leather bars, and then I’ll feel betrayed and hurt and angry at myself in the morning (AGAIN), at which point I will email the link to all my friends who are so tired of seeing my boobies they could probably draw them in their sleep. That’s my big friday night plan. If any readers have hot snakey URL action, send it to me and I’ll update this post. Now, about those mthfknsnakes…

* Photo via Iguana Art where there are MORE snakes on tits, ass, in mouths and … not planes.
* It’s all about Zhora from Blade Runner.
* These days you’d never get a snake dildo on a plane. Or a motherfucking snake vibrator.
* Vintage: Carlotta Tattooed by Serpentina Queen of the Snake Girls in the Snake Girl Cage.
* For hire: dances with snakes.
* Trouser snake from hell, of the hilarious kind. Oh, it gets worse.
* Sexy fleshy bellydancers and snakes in Snake Kin’s Gallery.
* Don’t forget Owen Wilson’s epic motherfucking sea serpent in a hot tub, earning him the nickname “Butterscotch Stallion”.
* You’ll find all kinds of inky snakes that Sam Jackson can’t get off in the InkyGirls gallery.
* Fetish model Paige is just fucking sexy and charmed by snakes, no plane necessary.
* And everyone loves Voltaire’s snake vertebrae tattoo (onaplane).

Update: Thomas Roche, editor from Eros Zine, sends me “Motherfucking snake on a motherfucking redhead (WDR Fetish Photography)”

OMFGGGG Update: Jonno taps that snake ass at Fleshbot with Snakes on a Playmate, including this salacious quote: “For a special bonus, don’t miss our own herpetological hottie Violet Blue as she rounds up some of the most salacious snake-related video moments on YouTube and elsewhere.”

Ow, hangover update: Snakes on a Plane album from last night’s SoaP debauchery. Ow. Loud noises frighten and hurt me right now. Ow.

Motherfucking snakes on hot babes videos after the jump.

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I think I missed a week of online sex reads — no matter, as Boing Boing had my back (door) covered. And no, they’re not *all* authored by futuristic sexbot-of-my-dreams Xeni Jardin. A wrapup of essential Boing Boing sex posts:

* What’s nice about doing this recap was that I got to see all the posts in related context and comments from readers that I’d missed. Check out Foodgasm v Porngasm: Can you tell the Difference?; Funny 1965 anti-pornography educational film (dig the remix Come Join the Fun: fantastic cutup version of “Perversion for Profit”); Spam for weird bottle opener (love this!); must-read: LAT’s damning profile of Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis; amazing, photo via: Photos: Shanghai “Adult Toys and Reproductive Health” Expo.; New TSA restrictions and sex toys: whither the lube? (great comment in this post from my pal and fellow sex educator Cory Silverberg); chilling: UK man faces jail over ‘made-up’ child porn images — essential follow-up with lotsa comments: More on the legalities of “made-up” child porn; TSA: “no butt plugs” airport screening graphic.

* Rachel Kramer Bussel is quite happy with the cleavage situation. With all those lickable pictures, I am too.

* My pal Girl With a One-Track Mind had her much-anticipated book come out, only to have her true identity outed by the press. When I went on a wild drinking night with her last summer in London, her privacy was so important that she wouldn’t tell me her name, and I understood. She’s quite upset. But it’s a good object lesson in the world of sex blogging and sex and blogging — if you really want it to be anonymous *don’t tell anyone about your blog*. Ironically, “anonynous sex blogger author” Belle de Jour has something to say about all this. But the days of mystery erotic manuscripts are over. She’s more famous for it now, and that sells books and gets traffic, right? Still, I’m glad she didn’t delete her truly enjoyable blog, as many sex bloggers do when faced with upheaval.

* Lastly, I’m quoted lots in today’s MSNBC article about teledildonics, future sex and sex tech — though I come across as quite cranky about the current state of teledildonics. Mind you, I did the interview at SRL in between machine loads while squatting on the floor leaning against the Williams jet engine because it was ther quietest place I could find — and Bob made faces at me the whole time I was trying to be serious talking about jacking off with electrode-laden leotards on. Read Will technology revolutionize boinking? Computers and chemicals spark creative ideas in dirty minds and truly marvel that people still actually use the word “boinking” in a non-ironic context. So retro.

His new galleries at New Nude City look great. Don’t buy anything, but dig my free access to these mini galleries: goth girl, stockings, panties. I still love New York Girls, but after that he had (what I felt was) a boring lull, and now he’s getting interesting again. A bit, anyway.

In an email from Ernest Greene and Nina Hartley, about The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn:

“First, Nina and I both want you to know how much we enjoyed TSGGTP. We’re recommending it like mad to everybody. It’s amazing how little otherwise smart people, male or female, actually know about porn and how to find any kind they’ll actually enjoy. I think you really did us all a big favor. Now, if only we could get all the producers to read it … ”

Yay! I’m floating…. Wow.

Sick of crappy porn? Me too. If I have to sit through another body-by-Barbie production where the chicks’ boobs look like those Alien face-huggers about to burst out and kill me, going through the same old boring sex positions and jackass sex acts, I’m going to drive the V1 to Silicone Valley and reduce it to an oozing melted glop of unsafe sex toys and cheap stripper shoes.

Which is why I feel it’s my civic duty to tell you about two things: the deadline for submissions to HUMP! and erotic photographer Samantha Wolov’s call for couples. I want you to make love to the camera for me.

HUMP! is Seattle-based The Stranger’s amateur porn contest, and it’s become quite a phenomenon. Last year they screened to totally sold-out shows and got tons of press — and really put the popularity of independent, DIY porn on the map. You see, everyone knows that most porn sucks, and not in the way we like sucking. It doesn’t look like sex — when we watch stuff that turns us on in mainstream porn, it’s because our brains are parsing out the bits we like and editing out the bits we don’t. Wouldn’t it be nice if we liked *all* of what we saw? Well, mainstream porn distributors dictate what comprises the content of commercially available porn. These guys have set formulas of what they think should be in every porn movie — definitions, and mindset, that is deeply flawed due to their antiquated ideas about what’s sexy and how sex *should* be. They’re totally out of touch with what consumers really want to see, and how the rest of the world is having hot sex. That’s why HUMP! is important — and why, if you have a camera with video function and something like iDVD or even QuickTime Pro, you should do your part in tossing Barbie on the bonfire.

The deadline for video submissions is August 21. Read their guidelines; the videos only need be a few minutes long. Yes, there are prizes — a trip to Vegas for the AVN Awards (and if I go this year, I want to have cocktails with the winners), and $2000 cash! w00t!

And for couples, there’s more. My very first video podcast — way back in November ‘05, ulp — featured the erotic photography of the sublimely talented Samantha Wolov. Now she’s moved from DC to San Francisco and her work is being used on book covers (including my upcoming Best Women’s Erotica 2007 and another as-yet unannounced book of mine). Samantha emailed me today looking for couples who love sex and would enjoy having that captured on camera.

She tells me, “i’m absolutely open to any and all types of people and sex acts, but my only requests are that a.) everyone be over 18, b.) nothing be illegal (no sheep, for example), and c.) they be comfortable having their identities shown (i.e. faces). gay, straight, bi, pansexual, heteroflexible, two people, 10 people, it’s all fine by me. people can email me and ask as many questions as they’d like, and i’ll try to be as open and helpful as i can. the photos are about the couple, so i don’t have any specific requests for what kind of shots i take, i just want to capture people who obviously love sex and are very into their partner(s).”

Samantha’s email is samantha@his.com — check out her hothothot galleries at samantha wolov; new work can be seen on her blog Nekkid with a Camera. Photo via Samantha Wolov.

A hot girl sent me this link to GirlFuck, an awesome online comic howto on good, old-fashioned girl-girl fucking. I love “Can girls have sex without men? But without a penis, how is it possible?” How, indeed…

Unrelated: I just noticed that my pals at Adult DVD Talk are podcasting porn star interviews. I don’t know if it’s any good because I haven’t listened to any episodes yet, but I’m definitely going to check out the Savanna Samson interview where she talks about going into the wine making business, especially since her wine has gotten such rave reviews. It’s a beautiful world.

Image via NoThInG In CoNtRoL, who sent me her new site updates this morning. Yay!

Dear me, in that last post I forgot “delivery man”. I’ll make up for it with this hilarious sock puppet porn video, not new, but very funny. Embedded after the jump.

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My pal Thomas writes me,

> Never having had sex with men, I need to ask something.
> Do men having sex really do that thing where they say “Ooooh, yeah” — hissing intake of breath — “Oooh, yeah” — hissing intake of breath — “Ooooh, yeah” — hissing intake of breath….?
> Or is it something they only do in porn, like wearing socks?

After much consideration, my answers to this are yes, but only if:

* your first name is Kandye, Krystal, Jazzmin or Jenna
* your last name is Kleevage, Kupps, Lixxx or Jameson
* you have one name and it is Houston
* in your everyday writing and speech, you regularly substitute the words “meats” for “meets”, “cum ons” for “come-ons”, “asspirations” for “aspirations”, “cums” for “comes” (as in “Billy Cums Home”)
* your last feel-good film was Destinaiton Dirtpipe, Who Let the Whores Out #2, Swallow the Leader #3 or Black Pie for the White Guy (all real titles and recent releases)
* your male sex partners always wear sunglasses and your female sex partners sound like that time you accidentally stepped on the cat’s tail really hard in your stripper heels
* your exchange rate for cable service, plumbing repairs, building maintenance, rent, car service, office supplies, classrooom delinquency and pizza delivery, is a blowjob

Now I want to write The Ultimate Guide to Dirtpipe Milkshakes. I doubt Cleis would go for it.

The show was a success, in every way, even though things failed in all the wonderfully unexpected ways that things do. We almost got shut down by the fire department at the last minute — but we didn’t. Many machines died in rapid succession during the show — but they looked great as they expired and came to rest like obstinate housecats laying in the middle of right where you want to walk. After the show we got rowdy and drank beer and had fun with machines — until we were made to stop by fire trucks and a paddy wagon. No one got hurt. Unintentionally funny articles were written about us. Crew members hooked up, (with each other and outsiders, and a few machines even got kissed goodnight by drunken machine operators).

And me? After seven straight days of 10-14 hour work days with heavy machinery and a body now markedly a few sizes smaller covered with bruises, burns, scratches — and even a playful human bite or two — I feel like I’ve been taken apart and put back together again, whole. My feelings about everything couldn’t be clearer.

Final loadout day is documented beginning here; show day starts here; aftermath here. I didn’t take any pictures of the show but ever-sweet Scott Beale (photo via) did here, and the adorable Bre Pettis visited us the day of the show covering it for Make Magazine and documented his experience here. (Many of you will remember I did a walkthrough video tour of the SRL shop with Bre two months ago — watch it here. There will be a big feature on Mark Pauline in the next issue of Make, FYI.) Back to normal sex bloggery tomorrow; new video of the machine I ran for the show here; full writeup of the SRL show and *insanely contemplative* thoughts are after the jump.

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A few great photos from today (and more story) here. Also an enjoyable, short video of the Inchworm inching around SRL here.

Sunday night Minx surprised me with a suite in an expensive downtown hotel after I’d worked 14 hours straight loading machines — I took the above pic at dawn this morning before heading to SRL for more machines. She was only in town for one night on business, and I was so beat I could hardly form sentences… but she didn’t seem to mind. She examined my bruises and burns, made me a bath, and told me I tasted like sugar and salt. Then, I slept about three hours before rushing to SRL to work for another 12 hours today (exactly) loading machines. A few images from my past two days are after the jump, and I’ll upload more pics and video in the morning…

Update: My story continues here. This morning I slept in (yay rest), and woke today to a delivery of 2 dozen long-stemmed roses from Minx, wishing me luck on the show. Wow. No one’s ever done something like that for me.

Also: I wanted to mention here that SRL is doing this show as the highlight end event for Zero One/ISEA — and *no SRL crew are allowed in any parts of the festival* outside of our area in the parking lot. Nice, eh? It’s too bad, as I have friends with exhibits/talks in the festival, but it’s like “my kind” isn’t allowed in the nice big tents… Hope my friends come to visit me.

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I participated in some incredible, seriously non-OSHA approved forklift ballet today. In the image above, Johnny and I are running forklifts in synch to lift the Big Arm up off the flatbed, then Dan drove the flatbed out from under the machine, and we set it down simultaneously. We did this several times today with a couple of machines — in one instance with the Pitching Machine in the dark at ten tonight; it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Album begins here; two new videos here, more after the jump.

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Tired, all day at SRL. Photos + narrative begin here; a few really dumb (but fun) new movies here. Not terribly exciting, but if you’re following along at home… Now, off to bed with an early loading call tomorrow. Image: out forklift rental, which really *sucks* because it slips its gears and I hate driving it! Bleh.

Since I seem to like taking self-portraits before going out, I went ahead and made an album here. I’m taking a great beating in this post; I organized trucks, forklift deliveries, assessed all the SRL machines, made a machine load list, a machine completion/work list, organized dozens of volunteers in shifts for loading over the next 2 days, and worked on machines in the extra minutes for the past few days — and the real work begins tomorrow, so I don’t even have time to respond to the slugfest at Metblogs.

Tonight I’ll pretend I don’t exist. I close my eyes and wish.

I’m going out with the Marching Band tonight.

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I’m at home today working on Fleshbot Video Playpen posts, and just hit a mainline of really hot vintage burlesque and stripping videos on douchetube. Embed is after the jump; meanwhile, SRL show tickets are now sold out.

Update: one person emails to tell me he got tix through ticketmaster an hour ago (no, the irony is *not* lost on us anti-corporate SRL types). Official word is still that we’re sold out, so give it a try if you still need a ticket. Also, about the show — if you’re coming I recommend a disposable dust mask, glasses and hearing protection. It will be loud and the Hovercraft kicks up plumes of dust and dirt…

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Us SRL crew are big MAKE fans; this should come as no surprise since we’re all the kind of technopervs that have to lubricate, poke, prod and open up everything we get our hands on. We’re also all pretty pervy, and we talk about sex (and relationships) just as much as we talk about the machines we work on. I think hardcore sex nerds are much the same (geeking out on sex and fetishizing tech: at SFSI drinkfests we chat about playing with hot gadgets as much as cocksucking and fisting).

Maybe I’m in the minority of people who read the MAKE blog and get hot under the ruffle-butt panties. I’m just saying that us sex-positive, orgasm-seeking makers have been busy getting off better by modding our toys and our sex lives for a while now. We should have our own magazine or something. Take for instance the wonderful books Tricks: To Please a Woman, Tricks: To Please a Man and the much-celebrated Kinky Crafts. The Fetish Information Exchange has a great page on DIY Kinky Crafts, including a bubblewrap dildo and a golfball gag. The Frugal Domme has site design that I wish she’d spent more money on, but has quite a page of resource links to tutorials on BDSM toys you can find in most kitchens and toys you can find in hotel rooms.

But not every MAKE: dirty project is going to be explicitly about making teledildonic sex toys and hardware hacking vibrators to get more mileage out of your wetware. My favorite new DIY-naughty ideas have been running along the lines of things like Sexy Little Knits, which I found on Rachel’s blog (and even though I don’t knit, it’s dirtyfun to imagine wearing a pair of fuzzy pink knit keyhole panties for a crafty lover). Recently I modded my ruffle-butt panties to make my bootyshake more tasty-looking. And a while back I ripped up a tattered store display copy of The Complete Reprint of John Willie’s Bizarre Magazine that was in crap shape but I’d gotten out of the free bin at Good Vibes — and I took an ugly wooden IKEA office supply drawer set and made it tres sexy. I’ve been wanting to share it with you for a while, and the finished result is in photos after the jump.

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