All the sex in space (and zero gravity) chat is very titillating; everywhere in the articles and blog posts are hints at what we all want to know about the most — the *actual* sex. We’ll never get an explicit taste of space sex from these outlets of conjecture. Not to mention that sex in space, as a topic, will always be bookended by marriage, reproduction and evolutionary urges. *Yawn.*

So I present to you: a guide to good, old-fashioned fuckin’ and suckin’ in the future. In space.

How it works:

Perhaps what’s so mind-boggling to space sex pundits is that we are no longer talking about “missionary position with the lights off” sex. For this, I think the future cannot arrive fast enough. Sex in zero (or reduced) gravity is going to change the way we fuck for many reasons — primarily because while floating in zero G you need to use stationary objects to move, period. Getting cock into pussy, into mouth, into ass — getitng pussy into face, or getting the strap-on into his ass — is all going to be a coordinated effort, Your partner’s body will wander no matter how hard they try to keep still. And you better bet you’ll need to tether that bottle of lube (and its cap). In fact, all your sex toys will need wrist straps.

(Please) tie me to the console and fuck my brains out:

This is the natural next step for space sex: bondage. No, you won’t need to know which pocket to flag your synthetic space hanky in, or need to know BDSM scenester lingo to get laid in the spacepod, but a little forethought about restraint is going to be the name of the game. Rope and knot knowledge will help; what would be even better of course would be some lightweight, easy-on/off NASA-manufactured tethers. And the shuttle will need to be slightly redesigned with eyebolt-style tie down points — all over the ship. Oh yes.

What to wear:

That’s the problem. I saw the outfits for Vanna Bonta’s concept for the “2suit” garment and wept openly. This burlap-sack-with-velcro anti-lingerie would be fine if I jacked off while watching people fly at each other wearing outfits made of dinner napkins. Not my fetish. First of all, everyone will need the proper footwear, so you better design me a rig to fuck in that compliments my black 6″ stilettoes and looks good against the leather underbust corset and rubber crotchless panties I plan on wearing while I bang Captain Kirk (circa 1969). Sex in space does not need to be unsexy to work — or to be simply contemplated. Clearly the best solution is to get fetish and BDSM makers on the job. There already exist a delightful array of fuck slings, body harnesses, bondage outfits and all other manner of joining hot wet and deliciouly swollen space bits together. And do make it rubber or elastic; it’ll be lightweight, vegan, and give enough push/pull/springback to get a nice rythym going. Because hello — rythym is key to coming, and difficult to get when you’ve got no gravity.

The Kama Sutra of intergalactic cocksucking:

Now’s the time to perfect your technique of putting a condom on with your mouth. And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but facial comeshots will have to be saved for when you get back on the planet (so sad, I know). The fact is, come is going to get *everywhere* if allowed to shoot off into the atmosphere, and while I’m giggling thinking of trying to catch it all in your mouth as it floats around the cabin, it’s just nonconsensual to let that stuff fly free if you’re in orbit with others. Not to mention how hard come is to get out of hair already. Think about getting it out of your best spacesuit. Enough said.

Photo via 1970 British series UFO tribute site.