I just read this itsy-bitsy Wired article about gaming controls and sex toys. It’s funny to me that the writer states these “game-related toys” are “teledildonics“. Um, *wrong*. “Teledildonics” refers to sexual encounters via a web interface with a virtual partner. My pal qDot is quoted in it, and it all reminds me of an email exchage him and I had a few days ago. Our shared goal is to open source teledildonics; the sad fact is that all efforts are blocked by a huge, 11-page patent (PDF) that I feel is in fact a classic case of patent abuse. Listen to my teledildonics podcast (MP3) if you want the details.

Anyway, the thing that (still) has mine and qDot’s panties in bunches are so-called USB sex toys.

Guess what: these toys are USB power only — meaning they are an unintelligent USB gadget. In other words, it doesn’t actually function as a peripheral that can be controlled by the computer — but that’s what the marketing and sales text alludes to. (”The ideal computer accessory–the Laptop vibe plugs conveniently into any USB port- imagine the possibilities for cybersex or erotic surfing!”) It uses the USB connection for power only, but the consumer has no way of knowing that.

qDot’s email:

> You could just as easily slice up a USB extension cable, hook a vibrating egg to the red and black wires, and you’ve have an exact equivilent of what you have there.

> Of course, the advertising isn’t helping, at ALL. The whole “use this for cybersex!” thing is totally fucking misleading. What they’re saying is “You can power this from your computer WHILE having cybersex”, but it’s worded well enough to sound like it has computer control, even though they don’t explicitly state that. Take this toy, it’s the EXACT same idea.

> All that is, is a Doc Johnson’s iVibe with the USB power wires leading to the battery pack. All of the function generation (fancy name for what makes it vibrate in patterns) happens in the control stick. There’s probably a little PIC microcontroller in there (only reason I don’t know is because Doc Johnson scratches the name off all their chips on their boards, believe me, I’ve looked) that’s handling speed control. All the USB does is suck power.

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It’s just time all this was exposed and debunked; sex toys and their intersections with technology get all kinds of publicity because they’re about *sex*, the writers don’t bother to do their homework, and the marketing materials get away with murder. But writers, bloggers, and editors don’t bother to look past that gimmick and see that the devices are poorly conceived and executed, and don’t work for the stated (or suggested) purpose at all.

* Image: me in the Air Launcher’s telerobotic headset, a machine I’ve operated successfully, repaired, and destroyed random things with since the 1999 Tokyo SRL show.