I did a 5 page resource list for the porn guide today, then blew off a little steam cruising for shoes online — and found these totally amazing S/M bodybag purses. Wow.
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From the monthly archives:
February 2006
I’m crawling to the finish with the book that’s due wednesday– I also have to write the intro to Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn by the 1st… I’ll be back as ultra ultra Violet after the 1st; sorry I can’t respond to emails or calls right now. But it looks really, really good. I’m really excited about this manuscript and it’s had me investigating everything from human hair whips (in blonde, redhead and brunette) to slave cage dinette sets and more. I *love* my job!
Now I must make sweet (and deeply concentrated) love to my keyboard for the next day or so. I’m almost done!
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I am a total dork and forgot to tell you that I was interviewed by Irene McGee on her podcast and radio show No One’s Listening, joining the ranks of Noam Chomsky, David Pescovitz and my dear friend Jack Napier. Oh, and uh, Jeff Gannon and Craig Newmark. Strange bedfellows indeed. Link to show post.
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I’ve been a porn reviewer for 8 years now, and I know a lot of other porn reviewers. Some are meanspirited idiots who hate their jobs and it shows in their writing; the rest are really smart, funny, extremely snarky people who completetly freak out and shoot beer out their nerdy noses when they (we) see a truly hot porn film. This being rare, we do our best to keep each other sane while watching some of the stupidest, most overhyped movies in existience.
Email exchange today with a good friend who is slaving away in the porn review pits of hell somewhere down south:
he: Have you seen “Control,” from Digital Playground? Gram Ponante gave it a lukewarm review on FBot and now I understand he was being way too kind.
me: no I never get screeners anymore unless sent from the directors or a porn marketer on a binge. I have to *rent* the titles I review. nor do I get AVN. not sure if it makes me sad or not.
mmmm, not. definitely not.
he: If you really want, I will fly to SF and bring Control over to your house and you can loan me your gun, I can hold you at gunpoint and make you watch it, then you will never, ever wonder again whether it makes you sad. Otherwise, 1) You are not going to watch more than 5 minutes of it, and 2) you will never know — I mean really, really know — how not-sad you are about the fact that you don’t get screeners from Digital Playground.
me: uh, hot.
he: My editor wants me to to write a fawning review of Control. I drew the line at Pirates, but maybe [other female porn reviewer name redacted] can find something insightful to say about that. Like “God, I wish I was a pirate girl. I would want to be gangbanged by every famous pirate from ancient times to 1723, when England enacted the Defense Against Piracy act and essentially ended the age of the freebooter, insofar as piracy was enacted along the Spanish Main as a tool of national defense policy. Speaking of national defense in the age of sail, I would love to have Long John Silver up my ass while Jean Lafitte throat-fucks me till I cry. Do you think Captain Kidd should shoot on my face or retain his cargo in favor of a more lucrative price in future ports?”
he: Also, I don’t really understand the Carmen Luvana hysteria…she’s very beautiful, but what’s with those knockers? What planet did those friggin’ things come from? She’s actually not that bad as far as porn actresses go (her NY accent in Pirates notwithstanding, I’m talking about the horizontal form of acting) but I just can’t get past those….those THINGS. They’re alive!!! They’re alive!!!!
Update — now we slag on other porn writers:
he: Meanwhile, in case you have not eaten lunch yet, I ask you: Have you ever read anything so disturbing in your entire life? [link]
me: my Firefox blocked the barf-inducing text — what’s it say?
he: “Double Decker Sandwich 6: Sloppy Hoes! Savor an old schoolyard favorite, minus the heartburn! Juicy slices of ripe teen twat, stacked tall and piled high, then dipped and soaked in our secret sloppy sauce. Mounds of moist breast meat, tantalizing your tastebuds and sandwiching your salami. Ripe teen pastrami lips, served hot and fresh with your choice of sides: Semen Soup or Ass Salad. It’s a double dosage of giant-cupped delicacies to satisfy your hunger for hardcore. Enjoy the tastiest treat on the menu and grab a napkin… It’s gonna get messy!”
he: That’s really what it says; such a composition is so far beyond my meager literary talents that there is no way I could improve on it, except possibly to cut and paste it 30 or 40 times so you can read it over and over again without having to take the time to move your eyes back up to the top. However, I will refrain from doing so because even THAT would be messing with perfection. I, for one, will be having the ripe teen pastrami lips, with the ass salad. No, wait, semen soup. No, no, wait a minute….I’ll get the ass salad, you get the semen soup and I’ll just have a taste of yours.
me: that is the grossest thing Jeffrey Dahmer ever wrote before they killed him in prison. no one knew about his briliant life as a porn copywriter. so sad.
he: Oh, all right, all right. I’ll have the semen soup!
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Tammy, Tammy, you’re the girl for me.
You don’t know me but you make me so happy.
Tammy, don’t change your number,
8-6-7-5-3-0-9 (8-6-7-5-3-0-9) *
Who’s Tammy? She’s only the hottest webstar on Technorati right now (front page; screencap image at right) — or at least it’s the name given to an alleged IT student who filmed her oral and anal adventures on her cell and then — as these things happen — it fell into the wrong hands. Or the right hands, depending on your POV. Unfortunately in Singapore oral and anal sex are a “crime against nature” that result in 10 years in jail. But jail shmail, and nevermind the Hiltons when some guy is selling off your info on eBay!? Or a CafePress shop (proudly made in the USA; privately fucked in the Golden Triangle). Even YouTube got Tammy’s number. Oh, and the irony of “kittens”. (thanks, Xeni)
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I stumbled across this listing in the (local) Castro Theater upcoming listings: The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things, March 24 to 30. Gawker‘s on it, and points me to A Bear in the City (great blog) who has photos of the posters at the Castro. Yes, they’re actually rushing distribution of this picture out to capitalize on the lies — and we all know how hurting Ms. Albert is for money to put her kid through expensive local private schools. Now, if there was only some way we could all think of to tell Laura Victoria Albert and Palm Pictures how we feel….
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