May 2005

I’m not sure which kept me awake more last night — the fact that I’m on the Derek and Romaine show tonight reviewing porn (5:15 PST), or the fact that I got to test drive The Thrillhammer for an hour in prep for my Dorkbot SF presentation June 1. Either way, I woke up to discover that I’d been sexblo.gs’d and slashdong’d. Yay!

Now here’s where I show my true geek colors — for me, testing the machines and connections is always the really fun part. Last night I wasn’t actually having sex with anyone in New York (though I got a few emails because the rumors were flying about what, exactly, I was testing). But I was thrilled to be sitting in my San Francisco office on the phone with the inventor in Seattle, and operating the machine via my laptop — able to see through ond operate the webcams planted in the Museum of Sex in New York (warning: overdone Flash site, groan). Granted, the museum was closed so it was a bit dark (the museum lights were off), but working the bizarre, Geiger-esque gyno-sex-throne was a lot of fun. I ran it through several sequences, could see it vibrate, rotate and played with the cameras… it sure will be different when there’s a real live girl sitting in the machine!

I haven’t done an official announcement about it yet on my site because I’m not sure who our girl will be yet (I’m not doing the hiring), and I’ll want to put her URLs and stuff in the promo info. I think the museum might make an event out of it in New York; it will likely be after hours in the museum, and well, it’s sex. I think it will be very strange to have sex with a girl I don’t know (especially in front of a lot of people)! I’m also going to try and arrange a demo with The Sinulator. It should be a lot of fun.

But for now, check out my newest podcast, which I did yesterday morning live in Dolores Park here in San Francisco — Open Source Sex 12 (MP3). And if you’re around later, tune in to the Derek and Romaine show tonight on Sirius (also free on the web with registration). Right now, I need to go watch a few porn videos that I want to talk about tonight.

Isn’t that Paul Sarkis photo hot? Rachel’s boob looks so yummy. Read her deliciously dirty and rather excellent) article on sex and food, Eating for Arousal.

* A lot of readers wrote in about the last post wanting to know what was going to happen. A cease and desist from the text’s original authors was being discussed when the blog printed an apology and gave proper credit. Again, no permalinks so I can’t link to the retraction post, but the blogger did take a few amusing sideways swipes at me and continues to do so in subsequent posts. One person wrote, “You fired a shot across his bow and he came about quickly enough. He is trying to make it sound like he was in a hurry, didn’t mean to do it, etc. I doubt that story. I think he never expected to get caught. I spend a lot of time every week re-writing news stories for a censorship update bulletin. Following fair use doctrine, I use quotes and facts freely from news stories but I never use someone’s clever words without attribution. It is not the sort of thing one accidentally does. Thanks again.”

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At minumium, I read 65 sex news blogs a day as Assistant Editor at Fleshbot, several times a day — and that’s not counting the (over) 150 I skim twice a week for the Sex Blog Roundup. One of the main components of my new day job is to track links to sex stories and unusual sex items throughout the day (and night, as I am an insomniac). I watch the breadcrumb trails as links get picked up by different sites. I see who gets the links first, where they come from, and who gives credit where credit is due.

Today, I visited a site in my regular rotation. A post said, “Introducing Roy Stuart.” (sorry, no permalinks but post is screencapped on right) Not new news, but I love Stuart’s work so I can appreciate the idea, and so I read on. The text seemed very, very familiar. It was an eerie feeling. I wondered if maybe I had written this text before, as I have written about Stuart’s work many times over the past 5+ years for Good Vibes and my own site.

On a whim, I Googled a few sentences at the bottom of the post. For some strange reason I’ve never thought to Google multiple sentences, but imagine my surprise when the search yielded pay dirt in the form of the decsription on Taschen’s site. Okay, but why was the rest so familiar, I thought?

I grabbed an entire paragraph from the top, and came up with the source for the contents of almost the entire post (save for the paragraph from Taschen): an article reviewing Roy Stuart’s book Roy Stuart II by Layne Winklebleck, on Spectator. Not my writing, but someone else’s (someone whose writing I’ve read quite often) — and not the owner of the porn gossip blog, either, though you’d never know.

There’s a word for this folks… brilliant! Now pass the crack pipe.

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Eleven pm on a rainy wednesday night, and it finally got to me: reading everyone else’s blogs to cull tomorrow’s Sex Blog Roundup made me want to make a post. However, my thoughts are all random, I haven’t had an orgasm in a few days (!), so I am unfocused as ever. I know, it’s just bad for anyone’s mental, physical and emotional health not to have at least had a wet dream. (Mmmm, my last wet dream: Rachel Kramer Bussel and a can of frosting…) But I’m seriously stressed and feeling overworked. Makes me want to do crazy things; I’m helping at a friend’s wedding this weekend and I keep having fantasies of eating the entire wedding cake without my hands, on the lawn on my hands and knees, when no one’s around. Weddings are strange and they make me feel strange. I don’t know a living person related to me by blood, so I totally understand how to make family out of thin air and wishes and trust, but family gathering things make me feel like a ghost. At least it’s an SRL wedding and lots of my “real” family will be there.

It’s mostly Best Women’s Erotica that’s stressing me; the manuscript is due June 1. Of course, I’m doing a big speaking gig on the same day — a presentation on Teledildonics (with live demonstration) for Dorkbot SF. But it’s the book that’s making me crazy. This may sound odd, but my dilemma is that I have about 25 final selections of really, really incredible, nasty, wicked, sublime erotica from women all over the world — and I need to cut it down to around 20. I keep thinking I need to walk away and come back, I have printouts arranged all over my floor (the cat rolls in them, sigh), I have excel spreadsheets with all the important features of each story (double penetration, gang-bang, exhibitionism, hardcore romance, bisexual hijinks, uniforms, goth girls menacing frat boys, older man office sex…). I want to petition my publisher to make the book longer, but I know they’ll make me make the hard (heh) decisions.

But overall, what’s been so interesting for me has been observing the common themes among the (hundreds of) submissions. For instance, I got an overwhelming amount of erotica whose central themes were sex with clergy (priests), and soldier/officer/wartime erotica. Almost all of them had sad or negative twists or endings. I got a lot of breakup erotica. I got erotica from men trying to pretend they were female writers (never underestimate an editor whose web search skills are worthy of a job at Fleshbot). I think the worst faker was one I read whose tip off was classic bad-porn metaphors for female body parts, such as “my perfect jugs” for breasts and “my greasy flaps” for labia. I am so not making this up. Flaps. Greasy. Amazing.

Well, I hope I make it to Dorkbot; in the meantime I’m also going to be on the Derek and Romaine show (Sirius) again on the 25th reviewing porn, and right now I’m quoted extensively in a very interesting Wired News article by former Reverse Cowgirl Susannah Breslin, Porn Valley Goes Blogging — read it, it’s got a lot of food for thought. I survived the Writers With Drinks, but only with support from two hot horn players and two cute boys I met that night: Diary of a Sex Addict and Stephen Elliott. One of my very favorite things is when I meet bloggers in person, and meeting both of them really made my night. And fuck, I’ve never been so nervous reading anything in my life: I was glad to find out afterward that no one could see my legs shaking! I read something I wrote, which I seldom do — I like to read other people’s writing that I *know* is good; a convenient foil for a girl who likes to dress sexy but hide near the snack table at parties. A girl who then leisurely takes the time to sniff her own panties when there’s a line for the bathroom.

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BoingBoing’s *other* simmering sexpot David Pescovitz pointed me at a post he made today about the NY Times article re: the crazy lady who wrote a book about female orgasm: Secret purpose of the female orgasm.

My reply: > Oooh! She’s way off. Male nipples *totally* serve a purpose. ;)

> This part is sad: “Since so few women do…”
> Worse, she seems to think that fun is not linked to evolution (how
else would the cannabis plant have evolved?) and she seems to be
operating on that tired old “default sex” theory in embryonic
development. Quelle dinosaur. This is the attitude that since embryos
start out female until they get the “it’s a boy” chemical cocktails,
that female is the “default” sex, that the clitoris is some sort of
inferior vestigal penis. Default, like what you’re stuck with until
you change your settings. Hardly. We are clearly the superior machine.
We do not have an erectile tissue shutoff valve, allowing us to get as
many hard-ons, and have as many orgasms, as we can handle. Seems like
a prime evolutionary tool to me…

> I’m also guessing (wildly!) that she excluded lesbian sexual contact
and intersex people from her data. I’d like to take her to task. Fuzzy handcuffs not included. Thank you for sending me this…

So I’m calling “shennanigans!” on Dr. Elizabeth A. Lloyd. I wonder, did she study women who *don’t* come from clitoral stimulation, and did she explore the female anal orgasm? What about these women, are they evolutionary retards, left for the wolves of natural selection? Of course, I’m thinking of Chloe. Were sexually empowered women in her study, or women who have discovered radically hot sex after childbirth? Of course the female orgasm “is for fun.” But suggesting this, in this context, is like saying female orgasms are frivolous, like all “female” things. And that our sexual nerve pathways are just penile sloppy seconds.

So here’s my theory for the good doctor: You better fucking believe the female orgasm is evolutionarily necessary. Because if we have sex and I don’t have one, I’ll kill you.

Things almost as yummy and good as the wine I’m drinking right now: David Lynch daily weather report, cool dolls I found for my Fleshbot day job today, Tentacle Eye, tie me up with this, DIY sex doll with towels and porn (agh! I hope I go blind!), welcome back Daze, Cult of Mac nominated me as their poster girl, Cuddlefish: rollergirl obsessed, hey — I have a Honda motorcycle and a gun, too!

Holy crap. I just opened an envelope containing six book contracts. I’m going to go get more wine.

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This event is on the main page, but in case you’re the kind of person that likes to fast-forward to the good parts, sniff their own panties and just go straight for the blog, here’s the really cool thing I’m doing this Saturday night:

This weekend if you’re in San Francisco, put this on your naughty to-do list: On Saturday I’m reading in a benefit for Other Magazine, “Writers With Drinks.” I think it’s going to be a hell of a show, especially since it’s brought to us by the naughty girl who masterminded the ballerina pie fight. The lineup includes: “fancy East Coast writer Alicia Erian, author of Towelhead; Tad Williams, author of Shadowmarch and The War of the Flowers; Ken Goffman (RU Sirius — WTF is up with his out of date website?), the former Mondo 2000 ringleader; Liz Henry (Cuts From The Barbershop, Slut Utopia); comic Bill Santiago,” and me! So if you’re in town, come to The Make Out Room, 3225 22nd. St. between Mission and Valencia (San Francisco). Admission is $3 to $5 sliding scale, Saturday, May 14, 2005, 7:30 to 9:30 PM, doors open at 7:00 PM.

I’m the first reader up, which is actually my preference; I request to be first whenever I read because then I don’t spend the whole night nervous and twitchy, not able to relax and enjoy the other readers. Plus, then I can drink more. Other magazine is really, really fucking cool and I’m totally flattered they asked me to read for this fund-raiser. I’m gleefully compelled to support indy publishing and genderfuck every chance I get!

Random: I *heart* Landscapes With A Corpse (photo)

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