Apparently they fired her while I was there, but I didn’t know it. And it’s still really impossible to resist making fun of Michele Zipp right now. Who doesn’t love a nice, hot piece of Republican ass? (Seacrest: OUT!) Well, okay, I met her for one second when I was in NY last week, and she seemed nice enough. But I’ll admit I was a bit cold toward her. It’s only because she violated me mentally with that awful essay, using Vaseline with sand for lube.

I don’t really like dems or ‘pubs; my dislike for what’s going on in the US is equal opportunity. But mixing sex and politics always kills my woody. Even worse when the visuals are cruel and unusual punishment (not to mention the grammar), as in what Zipp wrote in her bizarre little piece, the one that set me off before my trip. I can heal by sharing:

“Think about the George Bush/Dick Cheney camp’s phrase for the Iraq war: Shock and Awe. I don’t know about you, but I love to be shocked and awed nightly. And let’s just take a moment to look back at the two ‘dirtiest’ words I’ve used: Bush and Dick. Now that’s hot and it’s in the White House.”

“Look at Senator Kerry. After he lost to Bush in ‘04, do you think Theresa gave him some sympathy sex? I’d venture to say that I doubt it.”

“… And for some reason I think that, yes, Tipper gave Al some bush after George defeated him.”

“…please don’t hold me responsible for just putting forth my opinion.”

“Lest we forget that Arnold married into the most famous blue party family: Democrat wife Maria Shriver is part of the Kennedy clan. I imagine their sex life to be rigorous, sweaty, and non-stop-until-she-comes kind of sex.”

“Red, the Republican color, is the color of lust, romance, passion, the devil, and Valentine’s Day. Democratic blue is cool, detached, icy, blue balls.”

“The Democrats of the Sixties were all about making love and not war while a war-loving Republican is a man who would fight, bleed, sacrifice and die for his country. Could you imagine what that very same man would do for his wife in the bedroom? He’d go down on her trying to get her to achieve the ultimate victory: orgasm.”

“Maybe Laura [Bush] gives really good head.”

“If you are a Democrat then maybe these stats (and highly-informed, albeit biased opinions) will make you want to bed a GOP supporter.”

Like, war is *so* hot. Um, is a female Republican pornographer the same as a Jew for Jesus? Needless to say, caption contest winners are going up tomorrow, with a few runner-ups.

So much to make fun of! That is, unless the visuals have you ready to pound finish nails into your gums. Now you have an idea as to why I was reluctant about my trip to meet with Playgirl. What does this editorial have to do with a women’s wank magazine, exactly — and why do I care? I care because there aren’t any women’s wank magazines, and we desperately need one, and we don’t need one that runs pieces that might belong in a high school newspaper if they didn’t have sex in them, or visual imagery that makes me want to rinse my eyes out with lye. This, and Sweet Action, are *it* for the multitudes of girls like me who want to see explicit male sex marketed to us — and I totally will pick up gay mag Inches to get turned on before I’ll grab a watered-down glossy.

I think Zipp had an inherent distaste for the material, gleaned in her AVN quote, “I’m very proud of the redesign I did for 2005. It’s more women friendly, more erotic, rather than straight-out, X-rated and explicit.” C’mon — we can do much, much better than that. What is “women-friendly” porn, exactly, when you’re talking about women who are buying a magazine to look at porn? Porn does not need to be made “safe” for women; watering it down is insulting. The problem was that Zipp’s idea about marketing the magazine toward women, as opposed to gay men, meant that it had to be made safe, not all nasty and gross like homos or what men would want to see. (Hey, this guy’s a virulently straight, self-professed, pro-porn right-winger.) Maybe Republican women want Zipp’s idea of “erotic,” though I doubt it — especially the women in the White House. But now I can skewer her as Republican and I can say that Playgirl *used* to be Republican porn for women. When you think about it, that explains everything.

And the whole situation explains exactly why I’d never read or bought it. I can’t talk about what I did in NY, but I can say that I didn’t hold back my opinion about women and porn and sex, at all. And you know what? Now I want to work with Playgirl.

I got back from NY having seen none of NY at all. I saw the ugly unwashed butthole known as JFK for a long, long time, rode in a limo for the first time in my life (coke and whores not provided) and walked a few blocks, but that’s it. Oh, I had a de-lish Brooklyn IPA before I passed out from exhaustion. I didn’t get to see Rachel who wanted to make me cupcakes, or Paul who wanted to photograph me, or anyone. Then my flight was delayed for mechanical engine failures, which was totally fucking scary and made me decide I am not traveling ever again unless I am sedated. And I want all families to know that if you have a litter of three or more squalling infants, and no consideration for other human beings, DO NOT TRAVEL. Ever. I got back from NY, had the world’s worst jet lag, then went immediately to SRL and floated around the machine shop like Mr. Mackie on South Park when his head is all big and he floats away. I spent the rest of the weekend doing SRL stuff, making parts for a machine that shoots huge flames, and feel pretty good about the world. Except for having to erase the still-fresh images of narcotized mannequin Maria Shriver having sex with the Gropenator, but then again, I’ve seen the inside of a slaughterhouse before…