March 2005

Here in this photo I present two of possibly the greatest computer deviants of our times, Karen and Macki, totally dorking out while making mud pies out of carcinogenic epoxy, on a collapsing paper plate, mixed by way of ruining a perfectly good screwdriver. We really shouldn’t let them off the computers…

I am beat, dead tired, covered in grease stains, bruises, have a nice new gash on my wrist from the hovercraft machine and I’m completely sore from pulling gears, cracking open linkages, assembling limit switches, metal fabrication — and I’m ready to drop. Yes, I’ve been working sunup to the wee hours of the morning at SRL; I have a week off from Fleshbot so I can fully devote myself to machines and mayhem, at least until next week. We’re getting ready for a show and I’ll be loading the trucks all day tomorrow, then I’ll hit the road with a few other crew members to race the trucks and hopefully make it earlier than others to a warehouse in the crappy neighborhood we’re invading; I’m hoping to get a decent corner of the floor to rest my head on for the next few nights. Work has been going on around the clock, but since I’m on the load crew I knocked off early so I won’t be tired while driving forklifts and rigging, starting at 8am.

This show will be insane. Even I’m like, whoah about a few things we have planned.

Side note: Those of you pseudo-famous personalities who keep bragging about knowing where and when the show is, we know who you are, and you are wrong. Think you’re tough? You’re no match for the conversation I had today with Mark about our shared love for would-be Valley of the Dolls entrant Britney Spears — I confessed to Mark (“I love how *anyone* can sing her songs!”), he confessed to me (“I don’t care what anyone thinks”) and he aptly continued, “Britney Research Laboratories. Have you seen her shows? There’s more fire than ours!” Then he hefted his rifle and blasted a round through a prop for the show (“because it really needs to look like a bullet hole”), and we went about our business.

I am a bit bummed that I can’t blog/liveblog this show, but it’s a stealth mission and I must remain down-low on the details; hopefully someday we’ll get another high profile show like Tokyo and I’ll be able to. But I will get fun pictures and video to share, and return with all my digits, I promise. Then my blog will go back to the usual sex, drugs and hornplay, as per usual, but most especially the sex. Oh, and here’s a new podcast (MP3) to keep you smiling and horny, a bend-over-boyfriend tale by Alison Tyler right in time for tax season, called The Last Deduction.

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This is really amazing, in a “I can’t believe how lame people can be” kind of way. A fan just wrote me to tell me that my podcast address has been hijacked, and the guy is saying really bad things about me:

“Hi Violet,
Something VERY strange just happened. I was sitting at my laptop, minding my own business, when some guy’s voice starts playing over the speakers.

I was going to cut it off when I heard your name, so I listened. His name is Mark Hopkins and he apparently has a podcast called rizWords. He was badmouthing you. He said you were hogging bandwidth at rizen and that you suck because you haven’t told your listeners that you were switching to a different service, so he’s taking it over. This fucker’s sent me two of his “broadcasts” which quite frankly suck. He actually begged to be listened to even though, as he put it, he’s “not a hot chick who talks about sex.” Pathetic. I just checked it and iPodder was downloading 52 of this idiots podcasts. I stopped it.

I just thought you should know what this guy’s doing, hijacking your subscribers and putting you down. I know you probably don’t give a flying fuck that some dick’s saying bad things about you, but it pissed me off….”

My new podcast address is http://violetblue.libsyn.com/rss which has been on my site for well over a month now. I just sent off emails to online listings to update and make changes, so now I guess I’ll re-boroadcast the old casts in the new service, as I think this guy will take them down… and I’ll get my podcast station running (I’ve been having technical difficulties with microphones, sound and Garageband). What a dick!

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This is just so cool, and safe for work: pop some bubblewrap now (via JohnandJohn).

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Well okay, I’m actually featured in a superlative piece on sexual frustration by Martin Downs; I really like the context Downs gave the topic and it covers pleasure, rather than health (read: no “take a pill” mentality). It even includes same-sex couples! Cool! Now I will run around my living room in tight little circles screaming like a little girl! But even if you’re not all cranky from pent-up sex stuff, Prescriptions for Sexual Frustrations has a lot of insightful info in it, including tips from one of my sex-ed sweethearts, Lou Paget.

Update: I’m in this month’s issue of Men’s Health, too (print and web), in an article shockingly titled “32 Ways to Jump Start Your Sex Life.” I’m #22, which is totally spooky because that’s the day of my birth. But #14 was mine too, though I didn’t get credit. But than again, #13 is pretty weird: “ethnic restaurant,” “new part of town,” “dopamine” (a precurson to adrenaline)… um, I guess this article is for Whitey McWhitington whose date gets all freaky when you take her to the soul food restaurant… Oh, and then there’s #30: “You know her dreams–children, a beach house, season tickets to the Steelers–so tell her your plans to give her that and more. You’re touching a primal desire and emphasizing your long-term commitment.” This article smells like ass, yo. Now I will bite the hand that feeds and be the first one to offer to bitch-slap the jounalist that interviewed me. Or tell him to suck my dick, anyway (I have a collection under my bed in various sizes, colors and sparkles). And doesn’t someone run an article with that title every month?

I already have superpowers anyway. Now I will create a weather machine.

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There were way too many funny entries, so enjoy the three excellent winning captions and indulge yourself with the runner-ups… The top three, in order:

“This was a gift to the President from Jeff Gannon.” –Noka, US

“You see, Mrs. Bush, the Exxxtreme 3000 dildo has a
flared base, which was the reason we were able to
extract it from Jenna’s loose, cavernous, ass.” –Chriso

“… no, Mrs Bush, in fact in this case ‘WMD’ stands for Weapon of Mass Dilation.” At which point Darren said “Oh, I’m sure you know a bigger prick, Mrs Bush,” and they all laughed heartily. –Randy Pan the Goat Boy, London

Laura Bush’s sloppy seconds:

“After we totally fuck the Earth, this is what we hope
to use to fuck Mars.” –Noka, US

“Ma’am, his head has been up there so long that I believe only our hunka-hunka burnin’ love size will give him any stimulation whatsoever.” –Spacekat

“So we figure that in order to accomplish his mission to fuck the whole
country, we’re going to have to have W wear this.” –Dan

“Why,” Laura mused, “does that thing remind me of Dick Cheney?” –Professor E, CA

“So that’s why W didn’t want me, Barbara and Jenna to help find those weapons of mass destruction…” –Jean Duke, Washington DC

Congratulations, winners! In tribute to the (Bush regieme’s) Attorney General’s new promise to crack down on porn, the winners will get mystery porn packages sent by me and will contain all the lubricious promises that a package packed with hours of masturbation can possibly provide, meaning some good porn and some lame porn. Special thanks to pjk for the pic!

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