I have decided that we need to sort the wheat from the chaff, the weak from the strong, and the pussies from the pussy-know-it-alls. A sex educator Fear Factor.

Casting will begin immediately — actually, there will be no casting, there will be a mandatory draft. If you wrote a book telling people what to do with human genitals, your participation in the show is required to continue your "sexpert" status. Uncut. Live. Gory stunts. Tales of fear. Novelty shopping will never be the same — for anyone.
Contestants to win the title of Ultra Fabulous Sexpert Know It All of All Time will have to:

* Eat handfuls of gooey gummy boobs and gummy peckers out of a fish tank filled with Strawberry Astroglide until everyone else barfs or faints
* Win a race with their hands behind their back in furry handcuffs, licking their way up a Slip ‘N Slide slathered in Good Head Gel
* Make a raft out of Paris Hilton Love Dolls and Bondage Tape, and paddle their way across Lake Merritt using a Sean Michaels Dildo
* Another race: A helpless puppy is locked in an acrylic box filled with waterproof vibrating cyber snatches and cyber peckers ("cyberskin" is a repugnant, life-like material that smells like wet pavement) and Astroglide. Educators must suck snatches and peckers into their mouths until they reach a key for the lock.
* Educators must race to put condoms on John Holmes Love Doll phallus with their mouths.
* Lap dance frat boys at a bachelor party.
* Play Pin the Macho on the Man until someone breaks down into heaving sobs.
* Contestants must identify sex toy materials by taste only.
* Educators must use their face to burrow into pies made of coochie cream, unrolled condoms, cherry almond warming oil, anal ease, titty taffy, dicky mints, a layer of edible undies, anal beads and jelly rubber cock rings, all inside a cyber snatch with "realistic" pubic hair. At the bottom, they will find a book contract.

Okay, I’ve been spending too much time writing about sex toys. I’ve been writing for 8-10 hours a day trying to catch up on work after the evil flu. Immersed in sex writing, I’ve even been taking research books to bed at night and getting even less sleep than usual. But I’m making progress… I even managed to squeeze in reading a non-sex book, Stormy Weather, right as the hurricane hit Florida, which gave me a funny perspective on the disaster. Highly recommended, it’s a great pulp novel.

I played hooky from my mountain of writing last night to go see one of my favorite films of all time, Fellini’s La Dolce Vita. It was the last night playing at the old SF theater, The Castro, which is absolutely beautiful all on its own, in gilt and gold, complete with a working pipe organ that is played by a real human up until the movie begins. La Dolce Vita is one of the most beautiful films of all time; I smiled throughout the entire film, almost cried at the beauty of each scene, and went home wishing someone, anyone, would make a film like that these days.

Okay, back to work! Entertain yourself with this personal ad, complete with flow chart, and this great video hot off the SRL wires (mega geeks only).

I’m alive again! I had what is now being called at Good Vibes "The Evil" – a flu of devastating proportions. Like a hurricane eats trailer homes, it’s now wending its way though the Mail Order department. I survived on well wishes from you, dear readers, (Thank you! Sniff!), Hornboy’s loving ministrations of barley soup (my favorite), Ricola tea, some antibiotics, the Daily Show, and my gigantic cat’s gift of an enormous live bird. Maybe he thought I needed some protein and that catching it myself would do me some good. Regardless, I caught it (quickly — on the spot I removed my shirt and threw it on the bird) and let it go. I ran to the door as the bird wiggled out, tried to peck me, and made it to the back porch as it tweeted and flew away. Leaving me half-naked in front of the neighbors, probably wondering if I was doing some weird animal sacrifice that had gone wrong. Except, that I then yelled, "bad kitty!"

All my neighbors are gay men, so my porn reviewing lifestyle is just a comedy show to them anyway. But I’m pleased to return to Fthe Vote, a wonderful campaign to exchange primitive instincts with — primitive politics. And someone wanting to make sure I got my daily dose of healthy veg sent me Veg Porn, showcasing the sexiest vegans I’ve ever seen.

I had the strangest flu dreams. They were related to the top three selections in my top ten porn picks for this month. I’ve been having anxiety because I wanted to write reviews for them — they’re really really good porn films, the best I’ve seen in a long time. So not being able to write (or breathe, or think clearly enough to leave the house) gave me anxiety that made me have porn dreams. I had dreams with Seymore Butts in them, though I can’t remember much, just that I loaded my gun (a .45) and shot the engine in his SUV (through the hood) because he was stealing my precious porn art book collection. I’ve never even met the man and here I am ruining his vehicle. The only time I ever really hurt someone’s car was when I was working on an SRL show and accidentally backed a forklift into a side panel (we surreptitiously removed the panel, tapped it flat again and put it back on the car). I’ve moved parked cars with a forklift, too, but the cars were fine.

The other dream was about Suze Randall’s Dark Side, which is now one of my all-time favorite pornos. But I had these crazy dreams about Victoria Zdrok’s clit — really! In my dreams her clitoris was like some strange William Burroughs or Cronenberg’s Naked Lunch plant creature. It was articulated, on a stalk, and it was growing out of her legs and had its own consciousness. It was seriously wacked, but I was freaked out yet not scared. I think I had the dream because in real life she really does have a hugemongous clit. In a bonus scene for Dark Side, she masturbates and it grows very large — astoundingly large. I mean, I thought I had a big clit, though I know from looking at porn my clit isn’t so huge. But hers is like a thumb, but like a small penis thumb with a foreskin hood over it, and the hood slides up and down her erect glans as she masturbates. I learn so much about female anatomy from porn — seeing her clit reminded me of the first time I saw a real female ejaculation close up (Screaming Orgasms) where I saw the whole business pulsing with orgasm and the urethral sponge pushing the come out. Porn is often like a PBS Nature show.

At any rate, I had some really weird dreams, but I guess they come from a rich enough palette.

I have the flu and promise I’ll be back to blog sexily when the fever breaks. Hopefully I’ll have some weird dreams, like when you eat pizza before going to bed. Meanwhile, these are neat because you can watch all three at once.