I have no problem admitting to having sexual fantasies about RealDolls — you know, those freakily realistic sex dolls made of silicone on a metal skeleton, custom-made from templates of eye color, pussy hair styles… etc., etc. They’re strange and otherworldly, and yet, growing up reading Omni magazine and all the sci-fi and horror books I could get my hands on, I know I had many a fantasy involving android life forms. I think I still do. Going to AVN last year and being in the booth across form the RealDoll people peaked my imagination, and I often drifted over to the bizarre booth of limbless torsos, eerily life-like severed heads and boobs-without-a-body. I chatted up the Real Doll folks while absentmindedly squeezing boobies and fingering orifices — but hey, everyone was doing it. Really.
Regular readers will remember my RealDoll fantasy orgy, where I discovered that RealDoll had created a stiff and lifeless male doll — I could only imagine the many strange combinations I could get myself into with a male and female doll, lubricants, inebriants, accelerants and total lack-of-pants. There were offers to fund my delightful fantasy, but sadly, no true offers came to pass.
Then around December of last year, I joined one of those Friendster-like services. I resisted for a long time; my pal Thomas Roche did everything he could to get me over to the dark side. Finally, when I was invited to the SRL "tribe" on tribe.net, I caved in to the conformity, made a profile, joined tribes, and began enjoying various kinds of mischief. I never expected to meet a RealDoll.
One day, in my inbox was a message from a woman named "Charlie" wanting to be my friend. I know a few men named Charlie, but no women. Curious, I clicked on her personal profile — and there I found some very strange pictures. Pictures of a blonde RealDoll making food in a kitchen. At a desk writing a letter. In different themed outfits; one as a cowgirl labeled, "playing with my shiny gun." Pictures of other RealDolls dressed in various outfits, a male doll dressed in a Superman costume, labeled "my friend John as a superhero!" "My friend Sidore!"
Her profile was complete. Occupation: model. Industry: entertainment. Specialties: lingerie, motorcycles, cars. Skills: I can hold any pose for as long as you require! Past Positions: all of ‘em!
It got better. Favorite Music: Dolly Parton, New York Dolls, Goo Goo Dolls. Favorite Movies/TV: Westworld, Stepford Wives, A Doll’s House, Valley of the Dolls, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, The Devil Doll, Trilogy of Terror. Here for: to find someone who can see the real me beneath my superficial beauty!
Intrigued beyond reproach, I wondered if someone had read my Fantasy RealDoll Orgy blog entry, and now it was my turn to be at the (by now, well deserved) receiving end of a well-thought-out prank. I peered closely at the pictures and found a faint watermark of… a website. "charliejoanne.com" Turns out, this is the real, living breathing site of a Real Doll. What? Check it out — Charlie writes letters, has sexy photo shoots with her friends… Truth be told, while the thought of someone doing all this seems like an episode from Tales From the Darkside (and I think it is, for me at least), I actually see little difference between Charlie Joanne’s site and the newest issue of Playboy that happens to be sitting next to me on the desk as I type this, with a very freaky looking airbrushed and digitally manipulated Jaime Pressly on the cover (and whose pictoral looks exactly, shot-for-shot like ones from about twenty years ago).
So out of curiosity, Charlie Joanne is my friend. She wrote, "Let’s be friends! I’ll introduce you to some of my maledoll boyfriends!"
I was game — even if it’s some 55-year-old guy with a comb-over that lives in a trailer and smokes menthols, it’s a pretty brilliant prank, impersonating a RealDoll who has "her" own site. I wrote back, "Hey Hotpants, I’d love to meet one of your rubberboys — and Charlie, you are one sexy silicone seductress. Good thing silicone only melts at very high temperatures! I especially love your website!"
Sadly, no male dolls were shipped to Good Vibrations with my name on them. Charlie Joanne sent me: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/male_realdoll/
And now — Charlie Joanne has disappeared into the ether. Gone from Tribe.net, and gone from my dreams, but at least I can still visit her website and watch her frolic with friends who never grow old, never get sad, and never die. They also never seem to get laid.
Next, I got an email today that is very typical of the type of letters I get (see, they’re not all marriage proposals from oversized Elvis impersonators). I get piles of well-written and articulate letters from oodles of couples (and singles) who are just regular folks that watch porn for lusty recreation — and wish that more attention was *really* being paid to female pleasure, because like duh, it’s the other half of the equation for all of us nice straight and bi people, and anyone who loves having sex with women wants to see them (us) enjoying it. Sorry Jenna, we can all tell you’re faking it. Well, since it’s AVN awards/convention week, I figured I’d cut and paste this letter, so you can see the kinds of letters I relish receiving, and that I answer every week:
