I have threesome anxiety. I wish I had a blog like DeeGee Girl, where a sexy vixen writes totally anonymously about her secret sexual adventures and no one knows who she is at all. You see, I am a sex writer, sex educator, and therein lies this giant subtextual assumption that I have done and seen all things sex. Not true. In fact, compared to my coworkers and cohorts, I still have much left to experience. And I plan to take my time about it. Yet though I have much knowledge through some experience, countless interviews, polls, anonymous postings and responses, querying professionals in the field, and other ways of gathering information, I try my very best to make conscious decisions about new sexual experiences and how they shape me and my relationships.
I recently had a friend ask me how I can still enjoy sex after all the porn, the sex toy testing, the writing about sex all the time. It seemed rude at first, but it is really a valid question — and the answer is that first and foremost, I make a very strong distinction between sexual fantasy and reality. The second is that I refuse to try anything until I am mentally ready, physically turned on, and know it’s cool for everyone involved.
Well, "everyone" is a new concept. I’ve been "a couple" all my relationship life. I mean, I’ve fantasized about sex with more than one person at a time, like A LOT, in every combination. Two girls, or a guy and girl, or two guys (who are into each other as much as they are into me — no boring homophobic porn BS). And it’s come kinda close I think, with Hornboy and Minx. Maybe not very close, as we are all totally nervous, but last weekend the three of us had a date where Hornboy played a gig with the Marching Band, and the three of us did some very sexy dancing and flirting. You have to understand — he is hot, hot hot, and she is so fucking sexy — glasses, short hair, tattoos, lithe fetish model body, young boys’ superman underwear (dear god she *flashed* and humped me)… and we all three have a date this Saturday to go to the Kinky Salon superhero party, which I have been excited about for about a month. I have a rubber Batgirl outfit, courtesy of Stormy Leather, and a fantasy I think I want to make reality. A guy, a girl, a rubber Batgirl, and bizarre, odd, crazy, delicious, lathery, slippery, foamy, pornographic and fantastic sex acts coated in I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, with armloads of heavy silicone dildos, two leather harnesses, a gallon of Astroglide, three pairs of latex gloves (and lube-slicked forearms), a pair of bunny slippers, two pairs of drenched cotton panties, and a very soiled Harvey Birdman lawyer suit. Oh please, call the Superfriends and give me 40 feet of rope!
I’ve been courting the two for some time — so what’s the problem, you’re asking? Well, it’s strange to be the monogamous type and want to fuck two people at once. How do I be jealous? At first I was jealous of Hornboy, getting two girls at once, then I reminded myself that I’m doing this for me. However, right now I’m gearing up for three events — the Kinky Salon, my big book release party, and the GV Holiday Ball. And I found out that Minx has *another* date for the Ball. I got jealous, I admit. Have I been going too slow? In fact, I thought about placing an ad to find a girl to be my date with Hornboy for the Ball, especially since I’m a VIP and will be hanging out in the lounge with Nina Hartley — though last year I was unceremoniously thrown out by the staff, along with the Extra Action Marching Band and Extreme Elvis. Let me tell you — drinks, watching sex in the bathroom, ripping a girl’s rubber skirt onstage, the Marching Band being lascivious and lubricious — it was a very good time. And no girl-date this year? Hmmm.
I guess we’ll see what happens tomorrow night. I’ll do my best to get pictures.
